Aureus Ductor
by FutureTrunksFan94
Summary: BEING COMPLETELY REVAMPED. STICK AROUND FOR UPDATES. Masaomi Kida is a regular kid, he just...swings between odd periods of feeling like himself and then feeling like someone else. Why in the world is he so weird and what is happening to cause this? Reworking of AD, new chapters being added as they come.
1. Chapter 1 partings and awakenings

"Suddenly you're ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you're alive and it's spectacular." Joseph Campbell

"If you take my right hand, you can start over. You will be reborn as a different character; your personality will develop along a different path. Your story will be irretrievably altered. And this time, there will be no mistakes. You will live, love, and die, blissfully unaware."

― Dylan Randall Wong En Lai, this is how you walk on the moon: an anthology of anti-realist fiction

Chapter One: Ending and Beginning again (The Golden Shogun awakens)

* * *

Hey.

You really, honestly want to know something?

Life is overrated.

Rather, life is nothing like what we think it will be. We all think we will live forever, be immortal, be with our families forever.

The truth is, life just _isn't_ that simple. If it were, trust me, I'd be dancing with ponies and probably not be here, in this situation, living this kind of life.

I leaned backwards on the chair, letting my gaze drift up to the ceiling, then my hands brushed across the thread of the golden scarf that hung from my neck, idly. Whoa, I'm awfully young to be so serious, aren't I? Trust me, some teenagers are dead serious-and others are downright goofy, maybe I'm a mixture of both.

Lemme just say something here before I begin my story; it's not necessarily the most pleasant tale around. It involves death.

Death is really the last thing we want to think about-we'd rather just ignore it and parade around, acting like we're always going to be alive.

My classmates definitely didn't think about that, and neither did my cousin, who was a reckless driver who wound up getting killed in a car accident because she couldn't stop her goddamned texting, and at the age of only 21.

I remember thinking to myself when I attended her funeral: 'I definitely want to live to a ripe old age.'

Life's a bitch-little did I know, that several months later, I'd be dead, at only age sixteen.

You might be wondering, if I'm dead, how I can talk to you, I understand the feeling of being dead, but I'm still alive, impossible, right?

What I mean is-yeah, I have died before.

But I came back, you see, as an entirely different person.

It's just the way in which I met my end that is both ironic and cruel.

I was just an ordinary girl, and then I got cancer and died-cut down at the prime of my life, like I said, when I was only sixteen flipping years old.

But then, I was given a second chance-a chance to live again.

I blinked as I flipped open my cell phone, in time to see a message: "Hi, Masaomi! Can we hang out?'-R. Mikado.

Yep, that's Mikado Ryuugamine texting me.

Second chances don't turn out fair, you know.

The person who gave me this chance didn't tell me, but I would have more than just a chance to live again-that there would be other consequences thrown in with this so-called easy life.

First, I would suddenly be in the world of anime, in the world of Durarara, to be more specific.

Second, that my sex would be changed and that I would have to live the rest of my life out as a boy. Now let me tell you, it's hard enough being a girl, but to remember being a chick and then suddenly, bam, you're a dude, enjoy it, that shit's hard to cope with, especially when you never had any male siblings or role models.

Yeah, fate hates me.

Not just any boy, however, nope, I was reborn as an anime character-I was reborn as one Kida Masaomi. Yep, the gang leader kid who has a lot of issues.

There's only one of him, or should I say, one of me now. Things are...complicated, however I'm used to this life now, though shit was weird when I first got here.

I never dreamed this would ever happen to me.

You might be wondering-how the hell can I go from being in the real world to suddenly being thrown into fantasy land? That doesn't just happen, you tell yourselves!

This must just be some story I'm making up, some insane rambling!

Well, the second you're diagnosed with cancer, everything becomes believable, from my viewpoint, anyway.

I swear I'll explain everything.

Anyways, back to the main topic.

* * *

I was an ordinary kid before anime, gang leaders, and Izaya ruined my life, I swear I was.

Before all of this madness, I was a girl named Marisa; a girl with brown hair and brown eyes. I was born in a pretty ordinary family, with one older sister, and a younger sister. We sisters were all very close, given that we had no brothers, this meant that I had no clue how boys acted.

Makes the whole being a boy thing ten thousand times more complicated, doesn't it?

You know, we were just like your regular, every day suburban family, middle-class, American, and Christian.

And yes, of course, I was into anime, however, I was not a weeb like some of my friends. You know, the kinds that walk around with cat ears on their heads and speak bad Japanese. That wasn't me.

My favorites were Durarara, Attack on Titan, and Owari No Seraph.

My father died of cancer when I was only five years old, so I suppose my being diagnosed with cancer was something my mom saw coming, but chose to ignore.

It's true, however, that I was born with something else first that made my life hell: I was born with chronic asthma.

That made it pretty difficult for me to exercise, to participate in school events, and of course that attracted bullies to me like ants come to sweet things. Bullies loved to pick on "The Gasper", as they called me. I tried my best to ignore them, but sometimes I would try to start fights with them. That wound up in me going to the principal's office a lot. School can be shitty sometimes at helping you.

You can imagine how hard it was for me to go running without breaking into a coughing fit.

My mom once told me she was always scared from hearing my coughing at night that I would die from an asthma attack. That was why she always kept my Eppie pen near me when I needed it. I was a pretty healthy kid, aside from getting sick a lot-contradictory, I know. But I never showed any signs of cancer until that day. Cancer is sneaky like that-it sneaks up on you and then steals everything from you, your life, your happiness, even yourself.

I can still remember those words that changed my life forever, when I was only fifteen years old, a few months short of my sixteenth birthday.

"Marisa, honey," My older sister said, "You have odd wounds on your arms."

Yeah, so what if some odd wounds had appeared on my body? That meant nothing.

"I'm fine." I said, certain that what was going on was nothing out of the ordinary.

However, I started complaining about having pounding headaches and how my head literally hurt so bad that I couldn't sleep at night. Then, I started having problems seeing, and it was suddenly difficult for me to walk, because my head hurt too much.

Mom took me to the doctor-and what they said froze me to the core.

"I'm sorry, but your daughter has brain cancer and it's terminal-it's called glioma. She also has tumors behind her heart and a tumor-"

I couldn't breathe all of a sudden.

Terminal cancer, at only fifteen.

I knew what terminal meant. It meant death.

I was going to _die_. Lovely.

What had I done wrong to deserve this?

I was a good kid who did her best in school, with good grades, a good home life-everything typical of an ordinary kid.

Why would this happen to me?

That changed our lives, and not for the better.

I couldn't stand to go to school and have to deal with the looks of pity my teachers cast me, and all the questions my classmates sent me. It was just irritating to get so much attention. I was an introvert, for god's sake, I didn't like getting constant attention!

My siblings were very protective of me after they learned this.

"I can't afford to pay for chemotherapy." My mother said, after I'd practically begged her to keep me alive, what with all my pounding headaches that were making it hard for me to even sleep at night, and making it even harder for me to complete my homework and keep my grades consistent. Too much on my plate.

"I don't want to die!" I cried.

I had gotten quite vehement in my outburst to protest that I was going to die from a stupid disease. I've always been impulsive, short-tempered and easily incensed. Perhaps that's why I am who I am today. Personalities match up, I guess.

The doctor's words rang in my head as I stood there, determined to make Mom see reason.

"We give your daughter around four months left to live."

"Mom, put me on those drugs. I want to survive." I repeated.

There had to be some slim chance that I could live. No way in hell could I just die now.

"We can't afford it." She repeated. Her eyes were rimmed red from crying.

It had affected my mom as much as it affected me, obviously.

"There's no time for that!" I snapped at her.

Eventually, she started me on chemotherapy because of it.

So began the long, long journey of me on chemotherapy.

It did not go over well.

I lost my hair, I was so sick that I couldn't go to school or do homework, I wasted away in a bed and had to wear wigs, and I could barely walk without support.

It really sucks losing all your mobility and being sick all the time.

Hospitals are really gloomy, boring places and being stuck there sucked.

I guess the worst part was how hard it was on my little sister.

Being only seven meant that her understanding of what was happening was not as good as someone who was much older like my older sister.

"Marisa, why are you bald?" She asked.

"I have something called cancer."

"What's that?" She asked, looking at me with wide eyes.

Why did I have to explain this to a child? Why do I have to be the one to tell my sibling that I'm going to die?

"It means...I'm going to heaven soon."

"Why? Why, big sister?!" She moaned. "I don't want you to die!"

"I don't want to die, either!" I cried, and we held each other as we sobbed.

Four or five months passed by, and then the doctors called to say that my cancer was receding, and I could go home again.

A miracle had happened to us-a cliche phrase to use, I know. But nothing else described the elation I felt.

For a while, all was good.

I was so happy.

I was naive, I celebrated.

I'd forgotten how to live while being cooped up in that stupid hospital.

It had been only a few months since the cancer had receded, I'd taken a simple walk when it acted up again.

That's all it takes, a split second-and then your life is over.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud, I guess, in an ironic reversal of the cliched saying.

I had been able to live until my birthday.

Just one more year of school and then I could go to college.

"This is all so wonderful," My mother said.

"I know. I'm so glad I'm going to live." I said, while we were eating dinner.

However, suddenly, a sharp pain tore through my head. It felt as though my head was literally trying to tear itself apart.

I fell to my knees, unable to control the spasms of pain going through me, dropping my fork on the floor.

"Marisa!" My mom cried as I fell to the ground, and of course, I passed out.

They rushed me to the hospital, and I remember waking up to hear the doctors saying that my tumors had returned, especially the one in my brain, which had metastasized and was now much bigger.

"Can't you do surgery?" My mom's voice drifted into my ears as I lay there.

"I'm afraid as it is now, it's too big. If we try to remove it, the complications from surgery would most likely lead to internal bleeding, and that would be fatal as well. It's best if we just let her die like this. You can say your goodbyes."

I felt my heart break upon hearing those words. What a joke.

I'd fought cancer for several months, and then it was all gonna end like this.

They were just going to give up on me like this.

It was gonna end with me dying.

When I was in the hospital again, my mom let me binge watch anime. I also watched some of Durarara, which had been one of my favorite anime, that and devour some Owari no Seraph novels, with all the MikaYuu yaoi imaginable. Seeing two people happy helped me deal with it better, even if it was fiction.

"Sweetheart, you'll be all right." My mom said.

I was so pale and weak now that I think just seeing me smile made my mom feel better about what was coming, even if it hurt.

I could barely even lift my head or walk and I had barely any stamina anymore.

"I'm feeling just fine," I said, but suddenly it was harder to see my mom.

The book I was holding fell to the ground, out of my grasp.

The world was becoming a blur.

"She's going to pass soon." The doctor's voice said, seeming to float above me.

What? No!

I don't want to leave so soon!

"Mom, I don't want to leave you!" I cried out, but my voice felt strained, weakened.

"I don't want you to leave, either!" My sisters cried, sobbing.

My father had died long ago and now I was going to join him.

"Take care of Sammy for me." I whispered to my older sister, who nodded determinedly.

"Big sister, please don't go!" My little sister said.

"I don't want to go, either!" I cried, feeling tears fall down my face.

I didn't want to leave them.

But I knew I couldn't control it.

Death had taken me and wasn't going to leave without me.

I could feel my hand turning cold.

I could feel the beating of my heart slowing to a halt.

I wanted to keep my eyes open, but they felt so heavy and I just wanted to rest-yes, get some rest and the light was bothering my eyes, so maybe I should just close them-

My eyes slowly closed.

Death was calling out to me.

And then, I flat lined.

The last thing I remember hearing is that of my mom screaming my name as I heard the beeping of the monitor.

"MARISA!"

And then all my senses faded out to black.

Just like that, I died.

Really pathetic, isn't it?

I'd been a mere kid, only sixteen.

I couldn't accomplish anything now.

I'd been unable to graduate from school.

I'd died before even being able to go to med school, I'd been hospitalized instead of getting to treat hospitalized patients.

Not like I could go to school now-I'm dead.

I couldn't do it now.

It's not like a dead person can apply for a job, right?

The least that would do is give a person a heart attack-and then someone else would be haunting along with me.

* * *

I don't know where I was at that exact moment, all I know was that I was in darkness.

All I knew was that I just really, really, wanted to go back to them. I wanted to be alive again.

'That's all I want,' I thought desperately, 'All I want is to live again...just be myself again. Please, if anyone can hear me...'

As I drifted through the blackness, I thought I could hear a voice answering my vain thoughts.

'Your wish has been heard,' An oddly familiar voice called-and then all was blackness.

Perhaps at this point, I should be called the person who faints a lot.

I awoke to find myself in a very strange place.

It was a place in complete darkness, covered with odd golden shards floating everywhere, their lights illuminating the place I was in. It kind of reminded me of some sort of mosaic. The shards were golden in color but there was something odd-I could see myself in these shards, my family and I, my friends...how odd.

I could see my life replaying in these little shards. This reminded me of something I'd watched a while ago. The crystals were very pretty but there was something eerie about watching my life play out in something like someone videotaping my every moment of my life.

Was this my judgment day or something? My own personal purgatory?

I reached out to touch the shards, but found that I had no hands.

I blinked, or it was more like I sensed the movement and found myself watching the whole activity.

I was literally an orb of some sort, 'Is there really another way I can live...?' I asked no one in particular, "After all, it's gonna be a bitch if I'm stuck without a body for the rest of my life."

Life? Afterlife? I don't know. If this is the part where Flowey shows up and I'm in Undertale, I will be ticked.

"I'm glad you asked, there is indeed another way you can live again, however, there is a price." A new voice said from behind me.

"If it means I'll never suffer from cancer again, then so be it!" I snapped, apparently still able to talk while being formless. I moved slightly, floating upward in time to see the figure appear before me.

The figure was a girl with long blue hair and purple eyes.

The figure resembled Rika from Higurashi.

"Rika?" I asked.

She chuckled. "Some call me that. I'm sure you weren't aware that your life is a shard. And your life just ended. However, you can cheat the rules. Barely any people get to do this. All of us live out our existences in our own worlds. Most die and then start over. But you, you are special." She grinned. I didn't like the way she was grinning, it seemed...weird. But I was more curious than afraid at this point.

"How am I...special?" I asked, feeling a bit weirded out.

"Oh, nothing particular, it's just odd that you're here with me. You're the first person to be here in a long time. Most of the time, people die without ever meeting other universes or realms. They never are supposed to intersect, yet here you are, interacting with me. You know me well, don't you?" She grinned.

"Bernkastel?" I asked.

She nodded. "That I am."

"A-Anime is real?" I stammered. "But I thought-"

She nodded. " Yes, we are real, however, we exist in different universes besides your own. But our lives are just as real as your own was. So, every time you grieved and mourned for a fictional character, that gives them more energy and strength to continue on. We thank you for that." She said. "I can tell you are unnerved by this information, I do not blame you."

How creepy was this person?

"Very creepy, I assure you. I can read all your thoughts right now, it's like an echo chamber." She said, "Let's see, your name is Marisa. Average home, average family, average life. You had two sisters and no brothers and a dog and cat."

I sighed. "I want to know how you know all this information about me!"

"I exist outside reality, so I can watch over all the worlds. Not just this one. Some might be ones you're familiar with. How about this one?" She held out a glowing orb which showed a group of five girls in fancy outfits fighting creatures.

"Madoka?" I asked.

She nodded, before holding out another shard, which showed a boy with blond hair and a girl with brown hair, dressed in red, hugging a black-haired man near a gravestone.

"Pandora Hearts?"

"One of many. Let's see...how did you die? Oh, I see...cancer. Cruel, but it happens to many souls. They're reborn, though, so what's better than that?" She said flippantly, "Only sixteen, hm? How tragic, but what makes you any different? You're utterly ordinary."

"Hey, stop insulting me!" I cried. "If I'm supposed to be dead, why do you have me here to begin with?"

She made a familiar, condescending gesture, a finger over her lips.

"Shhhh," She said, lightly, "This is only an offer from me. Refuse and you will simply be thrown into heaven, no second chance at life. So keep your mouth shut and listen, child. As impatient as you are, you can be reincarnated if you just listen to me."

"Second chance? I can be reincarnated?" I said, moving around eagerly, if I had feet right now, I'd be scampering around.

"You've caught on, I see. Yes, like I said, I watch over numerous realities, not just yours. If you'd like, I can take you to another world altogether-one where you will live. I can give you a second chance at life, a second chance to continue where your existence ended."

If I had a mouth, I would be smiling. All I knew was that I was happy.

I could live again!

"Are you sure you cannot put me with my family?" I asked.

"Not possible," She said, "This is just one offer, take it or leave it."

"Okay, then, take me there already! I don't care about the details!"

She silenced me with a finger to her lips. "My, my, Marisa, you've shown me a great deal of your personality already. Let's see, you're very naive, spontaneous or rash, intelligent yet reckless, impatient and quite headstrong. Rude, too. I think I already know where to place you."

"Wait a second, don't I get to choose where I go?" I demanded.

"Marisa, this is not something you choose. I choose where you go." She said dismissively.

"Where? Where am I going?" I said.

"Well, where would the fun be in letting you know where you go? Besides, it's against the rules for me to tell you where you go," She said simply, "Besides, you haven't heard my end of the bargain yet."

"What is it?"

"Well, first, it's not quite like rebirth. Oh, and you won't remember anything of this conversation and your memories of your other life will slowly vanish. It will be up to you to decide what to do in this new life with your fate. Of course, eventually, you will forget your existence in your other world altogether. But that is ultimately your decision. Linger in the past, or seek the future?" She said.

"I don't give a damn what it is! I want to live!" I snapped, "And stop being so vague, and tell me what the cost is!"

"Very well then. Ah, your hair is brown...your personality is like sunlight, hm?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" I inquired.

"You will see once you wake up. Oh, and another thing, you can't choose who you are. But you can influence what you become. Being yellow doesn't mean you're a coward, also." She looked like she was smiling sadistically. Had she tricked me into something?

"What is that supposed to-" I began, but then noticed she had a fragment in her hands, and suddenly felt weaker.

I felt a powerful feeling pulling me towards the fragment in her hands, which was now glowing brightly.

If I looked closely, I almost swore I saw a familiar black-haired figure running inside the shard before I blacked out.

I almost didn't catch her last words, whispered as they were.

"Good luck in your new life, and have fun, Marisa...or should I say, _Masaomi?_ "

And then everything faded to blackness, rinse and repeat.

* * *

I was falling.

That was the first sensation I registered.

I was falling down through the blackness that seemed to be all there was.

As I did, I thought over the things that had just taken place.

I had died.

Then Rika Furude appears before me and tells me I get to live again and now I'm stuck in darkness.

Real nice.

If I was going to come sailing out of this as an infant, I'm gonna kick something, throw a temper tantrum and then scream.

I don't want to grow up all over again.

I was definitely dreaming all of this.

* * *

(Durararaverse: Not Kida-ing around here)

If you remember the saying curiosity killed the cat, I would like to correct you and say a better term would be that curiosity skinned the cat alive and threw it outside to be hit by a freaking car.

In other words, don't trust anything your mind tells you.

The darkness continued until I felt it falling toward me, no, rather I was, falling toward a bright light.

And then, the darkness receded and I hit the ground...the light.

The light was swallowing me up. Everything was so bright that I was just racing toward that light, I wanted to be free from this darkness.

The first sensation I registered was that of something soft around me, covering me up.

I snuggled closer to whatever it was for comfort, feeling safe. It felt fluffy, like it was a cloud.

I felt safe, warm and protected here.

Is this what heaven feels like?

Then I realized-I had a body.

Of course.

Why wouldn't I have a body?

Surely, me dying of cancer was nothing but a bad dream-it had to be, right?

As I slowly became more conscious, I let out a groan and rolled over, trying to find a more comfortable position on my bed-my bed normally wasn't so foamy.

I was content. My hands curled around my pillow. I was happy and satisfied here. I just wanted to go back to sleep and keep on dreaming.

Then, I felt something warm hit me.

Ah, curse the sunlight.

It was clearly morning. I could also hear birds chirping outside, very annoying.

I let out a yawn and stretched my body.

My fingers moved, as did my toes.

I could feel every joint in my body moving.

So I am still alive, then, I reasoned.

What am I even _saying_? I'm supposed to be alive.

And then I heard a horrifying, raucous sound that woke me up. Imagine it being like a horrible sounding car alarm, now imagine that's being blasted into your ears.

I knew that sound well, as I held my hands over my ears.

For a second, my hands brushed across something cold on my ears.

I shook it off as hallucinations.

It was an alarm clock.

I groaned, in annoyance. The last time I checked, I was not a heavy sleeper, I didn't need alarm clocks, so who the fuck put an alarm clock in my room?

That was so stupid I wanted to hit something.

My eyes flew open, just so I could find that goddamned annoying alarm clock-and silence it.

Silence it permanently.

For a few moments, I couldn't see it. Then my foggy vision cleared, in time to show a clearly visible clock sitting on a desk, acting like it was having a heart attack, making an unthinkable racket.

There it is, the enemy that disturbed my sleep.

I whacked it to shut it up, switching it to off mode.

'Perfect,' I thought to myself, before slinking back under the covers, flopping over and closing my eyes, a smirk on my face.

Now I could sleep without any more annoying attempts to wake me up.

However, it came to my mind that while I was trying to go back to sleep, that I really had died. It'd been too real to be a mere dream. (But then again, a lot of dreams feel real, but actually aren't, right?)

Much like that movie about the dog who dies and then comes back to Earth for more time to complete what it is he needs to do, I was in that boat, or at least I thought I was.

I really had died. It all had felt too real.

I recalled my mom's screams, my hand turning cold, the blurring vision...

So, why wasn't I dead?

I wasn't Jesus, last I checked, people don't just get resurrected.

Last I checked, dead people definitely don't dream or wake up.

Puzzled, I scratched my head, until I realized: holy crap, I have hair. It wasn't just a wig.

I could clearly feel my hair on my head.

Before, my head was shaved and I had worn wigs.

So did I practically dream the past year of my life away or what? Did I get in a car crash and experience a dream inside a coma?

These thoughts, along with my growing annoyance with the situation, led me to open my eyes again, chasing away any hopes of future sleep.

I opened them slowly and was met with white covers. Hospital covers?

Slowly, I groggily pushed my covers back, letting out another loud yawn before rubbing my eyes.

Then I sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

As I did so, I glanced around and immediately some odd things stood out.

My bed looked a lot different than before.

First, I don't sleep with two pillows, that's just odd. I sleep with one pillow like everyone else.

Second, holy crap, I was on a _futon_.

I don't remember owning any futons, what even was this?

How did I get on a futon, to begin with?

Was this a goddamned anime?

I felt the futon with my fingers. The texture felt squishy.

As I sat up some more, looking around, I realized that this was not my bedroom-not even a hospital room.

Definitely not.

The bedroom I was in was smaller than my own, like way smaller. Try and picture a bedroom for a Hobbit. That was this bedroom.

The walls and ceiling were completely barren of color, instead being that ugly shade of off-white you find in hospitals. Ew. Despite this, it didn't even look or feel like a hospital.

A small closet was on my left, along with a desk right near the bed I'd woken up on, which was crammed with paraphernalia of all kinds. There was an old t-shirt, thrown recklessly on over the chair near my bed, and some other things I didn't remember owning before, such as the comic books stacked up on a random shelf above my bed, along with some rather dusty books and some dusty photographs, and some video games.

And a laptop on the other side.

Also, there was a backpack slung over the back of the chair as well.

It looked more like an...apartment?

Well, this was weird and irrevocably bizarre.

Did I teleport into someone's house, or was I kidnapped?

I couldn't just teleport into someone's house-unless I've been comatose for centuries and Star Trek has become part of this dimension. In which case, I'm screwed.

I scratched my head, as I once again yawned and stretched my body.

I hadn't felt this well-rested or healthy in ages.

Blinking, I opened my mouth to speak, feeling quite irritated.

The fact that there was no one else around to take my irritation out on just made it worse.

"What kind of joke is this?" I snapped, but then I paused.

Was that _...my voice_ I'd heard just now?

If so, then something was off, because my voice sounded...well, different.

Our voice is probably the thing we humans know best, because, well, while other people see our faces every day, we can't see our faces unless we look in the mirror. It's really our voices that help distinguish us from each other, so you know your high-pitched, slightly effeminate voice is that of you, whereas your friend who smokes a lot has a deep, gravelly, scratchy voice. It's how we know what actor acts in what, because they all have different voices.

Regardless of how sci-fi that seems, it is the truth.

Anyway, philosophical ramblings aside, I knew what my voice sounded like better than anyone-my voice wasn't so high-pitched that I sounded like a chipmunk, nor was it particularly low. It was just in-between, though by the time I was near death from cancer, I sounded like your old grandma that smokes too much. Real pleasant. Nothing quite like scaring your little sister when you talk because you sound like Darth Vader.

Apparently, my voice was now a lot higher than I recalled it being, but at the same time, it was also raspier, scratchier, and a bit deeper.

"W-What the fuck?" I spat, then did a double take, my hand clapping over my mouth.

Once again, my voice was too low, and raspy.

Way too deep for a woman.

If I didn't know better, I would almost say that I sounded like a _guy._

Whoa, what?

I blinked again, my eyebrow twitching.

I must be losing my mind to think like this.

"I must still be dreaming." I sighed, again sounding like a guy.

I coughed. "Stop it, voice!" I snapped.

No use, I still sounded like a guy.

Help, how do I get rid of this "sounding like a guy" thing?

In pure confusion, I raised my hand and put it on my neck.

But I noticed a subtle difference as I did so-my hands brushed across something.

Something was there that hadn't been there before.

Whatever this something was, it felt like a lump on my neck. As I rubbed the object, it suddenly dawned on me.

At first, the paranoid part of me thought I had a tumor, but I figured out what it was right away.

I had an Adam's apple.

What the hell, females don't have that!

Well, trans women do, but that's a story for another day.

I jumped back in alarm upon realizing this hair-raising fact.

"W-What the fuck is this shit?" I stammered. Once again, I was Bro-risa.

Can I stop sounding like a boy? This is so much cringe.

I had to be dreaming this.

I quickly shut my eyes, then opened them.

No use.

I was still here, still in the strange room, still with the irritatingly loud birds outside, and still completely alone.

I called out the names of my little sister, older sister and mom, but no one answered me.

Apparently, I was alone.

Now I felt a surge of fear go through me, as I sat up, pushing my covers away.

"Fuck is going on here?" I cried, springing from the bed, only to realize I'd made a horrible mistake in doing that.

First, I lost my balance on my bed, so I tumbled off the bed, only to get ensnared in my own bed covers and then, epic fail, my face met the floor, which was not carpeted, but hardwood floor. Who the heck thought it was smart to not put carpet on a wooden floor?

Either way, it hurt like hell.

Ouch.

"Fuck!" I cried, rubbing my head, trying to ignore the enormous headache I now had and struggling to get untangled from the sheets that were now wrapped around my legs.

I flipped off the floor.

"That hurt! What's with my balance?" I grumbled. My balance wasn't usually this wonky. But on the other hand, I noticed as I sat up, it didn't really hurt at all to sit up. No more aches and pains. What...? No pain, at all?

The fact that I wasn't in any pain at all only confused me further.

"Will someone _please_ explain to me what this means?" I grumbled, ignoring the goose egg on my head as I pushed my hair out of my face. When were my bangs so long, anyway?

On top of that, I needed my glasses.

But then it dawned on me, as I sat there, on my floor, that my vision was fine. I'd been looking at things and hadn't squinted once.

I closed one eye, my bad eye. Then I did the other eye. Everything was fine.

"Okay, I am definitely dreaming." I muttered.

I had horrible eyesight-I could easily think the letters on a stop sign spelled out "S-T-O-O-P" or "S-T-E-P" if I didn't wear my frames.

Apparently, now I have zero vision problems, and now my vision is 20/20?

Freaking hit me.

No vision problems, no pain, and I sounded like I'd started smoking.

I was at a total loss to explain the utterly perplexing situation I was in now.

' _What is going on_?' I thought, for like the fifteenth time today.

Then I noticed something else. Was it just me, or was the ceiling higher than it used to be?

I mean, like, the ceiling shouldn't look so high up and yet it did.

The door looked totally huge and so did the bed.

I glanced back at it, wide-eyed, wondering why that was.

Shakily, I stood up, noticing that something was wrong. A lot of somethings. Something just didn't feel right today.

I glanced down at myself.

Nope. I didn't recognize the t-shirt I was wearing; a strange-looking shirt that had an unfamiliar symbol of some kind on it.

I guess I just need to find where my bra is to change out of this shirt.

My strap should be on my shoulders, and...

My hands didn't feel any strap as I felt for one.

I couldn't find my bra.

What the hell.

Bewildered as all hell, I pulled my shirt up and placed one hand on my chest, where I should definitely feel my breasts.

I then realized something, something very alarming, as I retracted my hand from my chest.

My chest was now flat. Too flat, in fact.

My boobs were gone.

Apparently.

I looked down again, trembling slightly, looking at the impossible sight. Let's face it, a woman waking up and seeing her "friends" are gone is about as likely as waking up to find that you are now a giant insect.

'Where the hell are they?'

I whimpered slightly.

Something scary was happening here.

Though I'd never liked my boobs much, for them to just vanish like this was not a good sign, not at all.

Instead, my chest was too flat for my liking, and now more muscular.

On top of that, I noticed that I was also a lot...shorter than I remembered being. From where I'd been a good five six, now I was five three. That explained why my bed had felt higher up than usual and also why the ceiling looked so freaking huge.

What the fuck is this?

I gulped, distinctly uncomfortable now, as I got back to my feet. My legs were smaller than I remembered, and...hairier? The fuck. When did I have so much hair on my arms?

My skin was a lot tanner than I remembered it being.

"Did I enter a tanning bed?" I muttered. My voice sounded familiar, I just couldn't place it.

"I do not like where this is going," I stammered. My voice sounded like a prepubescent teenager's.

Pre-pubescent? How...?

I had to be dreaming this.

I pinched myself. It hurt.

Frowning, I examined my hands.

My hands were smaller than I remembered, and again, tanner. And they were more muscular, and...hairier?

Whoa...

What the hell.

Then I realized that I really had to pee, for some random reason.

"Crap!" I cried, bolting to the bathroom, and somehow managing to find it. It was like I knew where it was, but wasn't sure how I knew that I actually knew. Anime logic.

For some reason...when I sat down, it hurt.

"Ow! Shit!" I growled. This was one hell of a weird day.

Groaning in frustration, I stood back up, and then when I pulled down my underwear again-actually, I had boxers on-and when I actually looked, I almost had a panic attack.

The last thing I knew was that I was a young woman who was sixteen years old.

Born female and definitely knew I was one, with lady parts.

There is no moment where you question your sanity more than discovering that somehow, you now have the wrong parts downstairs. It's like waking up to find that your room is upside down and you're walking on the walls.

I whimpered slightly, before holding back a scream. "W-What the fuck is this?! This can't be happening! No way!"

I swallowed, and then looked down again.

The sight before me was still the same.

I still had a...a...dick. And...and..

My face was a bright red as I didn't dare finish those thoughts.

I closed my eyes and then finished, not looking again, having bitten my lip to prevent myself from screaming.

I finally let out that scream in the form of a particularly loud gasp.

"The hell? I need brain bleach!" I yelped, "Why do I have a penis? When did this happen?"

This had to be a nightmare. I couldn't just wake up and find that I had grown a penis overnight.

Unfortunately, the penis had not gone away. It was still very much there the next time I looked.

My face was burning as I went to the sink, very much wishing I could unsee what I had just seen.

Oh, great, now I'm quoting that movie called the Hot Chick or something. It's the one where the girl got body-switched with the guy, right?

As I washed my hands and stalked back to the room, my hands brushed up against my ears and I felt that I had piercings of some kind. They felt different from usual, though.

I need to figure out where the fuck I am and-who the hell has seemingly changed my sex overnight.

Changed sex or not, I was still a chick. My identity is the same!

Though I'm pretty sure I'm not transgender. I was pretty confident in my own shoes. And last I checked, I did not identify as trans.

Which was what made this whole weird thing even weirder than how weird it already was.

I looked around the room I was in.

It was full of shit that wasn't mine, yet it felt familiar, as I looked around. Yet another contradiction.

Can't one thing make sense today?

That's when I spotted one thing that was comforting.

There was a laptop that had been left on.

Maybe I could find out if I'd been kidnapped! I hopped into the chair and brought the main screen back up, showing an icon of an anime girl in a rather revealing outfit. Apparently, that was the background on this computer. Blushing, I moved the mouse and brought the main window back up, showing a website that highly resembled Facebook, only everything was in Japanese, and the name was something like Mickey or something.

Oddly, I could read Japanese. I could understand what the little symbols said.

What the shit.

I really was a weeb. To have a dream this vivid about being in Japan and then suddenly understand Japanese, yep, I'd transgressed. This was all a dream, including the "possessing a penis" part. But...it felt real. All of it did. I could touch things, I could move around and the pain from my now bruised head still ached.

All right, very terrifyingly real lucid dream, then. You can feel pain in those, right?

I often had the horrifying nightmare of my teeth falling out, but that's completely unrelated.

As I did so, suddenly a loud noise made me jump. It sounded like a cell phone buzz.

"Relax, Marisa," I commanded myself, taking a deep breath.

Grimacing slightly, I searched my pockets and found a cell phone tucked away in there, which was buzzing.

Oh, I'd received a text? This was familiar. But again, this phone was not mine.

I flipped it open, in time to see the typical white space you send texts in, only everything was again, in Japanese, and there was a yellow bubble from someone else (I presume from the owner of this phone), and now a new text had arrived from a blue bubble.

The text read, " _H-Hey, are you still there? You suddenly went offline and didn't say anything. Did something come up? Are you all right, K-Kida-kun?_ _I just wanted to double-check, that's all-_ _"_

 _Kida?_

I blinked. The fuck would he call me that for? I didn't know anyone by that name, nobody real, of course...but I ignored that and instead my eyes were drawn to the person's text handle: TaroTanaka.

Wait, TaroTanaka?

Wasn't that Mikado Ryuugamine's username?

Maybe this person was merely a Durarara roleplayer.

Cold sweat dripped down my back as unpleasant pieces of the puzzle were now making themselves fit together.

I quickly texted back, in Japanese lettering, amazing, "What do you mean? I-er, fell asleep. And, uh, what are you talking about? My name's not Kida!?"

The chat bubble popped up again. 'TaroTanaka is typing...'

A few more messages popped back up, mostly expressing concern for "me" or whoever's cell phone this was. What was this person going to do if they found me in their apartment, anyway?

Then, my eyes happened to lock onto the name the "roleplayer" kept calling me by.

 _"...E-Eh? W-What do you mean by that, Kida-kun? Don't just joke around like that with me, Masaomi! A-Are you all right, Masaomi? You're not..you're not sick or something, are you? You're acting weird."_

"Are you cosplaying or something? Because this joke really isn't funny," I texted back, convinced that this had to be cosplay.

No. Freaking. Way.

"M-Masaomi, now's not the time for jokes! Why would I be cosplaying when that's your name, Kida-kun? Did you hit your head?"

I then noticed the name at the top said: Mikado's number.

My heart pounded faster, if that was even possible.

"M-Masaomi?" I breathed, letting the name drift off my tongue. 'Like...like...?'

I suddenly sucked in a breath and then let it out again. I looked over at the closet door that was wide open.

A _yellow scarf_ was hanging on the knob of the door.

I fell off the chair, trying not to hyperventilate.

Did I stumble into some crazy Kida cosplayer's room?

I mean, I had some friends who were weebs, but never took it this far-as far as calling me by some fictitious character's name and all. I had to literally be insane.

As I started to sit back up, my hair flew in my face, obscuring my vision.

Cursing, I pushed my blond bangs back with my fingers-wait, blond?

I quickly pulled my bangs down before my eyes, sure I was hallucinating.

Yep, it was real.

Blond hair.

My hair was _blond._

I had been a brunette most of my life, now, apparently, I was a blond. A blond who had pierced ears and apparently talked like a guy and-oh, shit.

This all pointed to one terrible truth-and I reacted horribly to it, shooting up like a rocket, closing the phone, despite the increased buzzing coming from it.

Holy freaking moly. If this is some kind of dream the weebs had set up for me, I was going to hit them.

"For Eren's sake!" I cried as I rushed back into the bathroom, toward the mirror-only then and there did I stop, my eyes widening in shock as I gazed in.

I backed away for a second, closed my eyes for a few moments, and then opened them again. The sight in the mirror was still the same.

There was a stranger in the mirror. At first, I thought someone had broken in.

A boy with messy blond hair and golden eyes peered out of the mirror. The boy's face was pulled into a shocked expression, his clothes were all disheveled from sleep, and he looked quite surprised at seeing me there.

Was this the owner of the house or an intruder?

"S-sorry!" I cried, but he didn't answer. He was still staring at me.

I turned back around, waiting for a classic horror jumpscare-but no sign of anyone behind me. I whirled back around and the same blond kid was back, staring at me. Wait a second...I recognized the boy before me.

Brushing my hand against my ears again, I felt the cold, hard metal of a piercing and immediately realized who that was. That was not my reflection, but rather the reflection of someone who should not exist: a fictional character.

I knew who it was instantly: my mind told me that the person before me was no one other than one Kida Masaomi, from the anime series of Durarara. Specifically, this Masaomi looked like he was around thirteen years old.

It took a few moments for that to sink into my head, before my mind quickly connected this: if I saw Kida Masaomi looking back at me, that meant that... _I was Masaomi Kida_. Somehow.

My hair was blond, my eyes were definitely gold, and I was definitely Kida. Mirrors don't lie.

I reacted very fast, instantly punching myself in the face.

Nothing much changed except that Masaomi now had a red mark on his face.

I stuck out my tongue. Kida imitated me.

No matter what I did, I still looked like, sounded like, and probably smelled like Masaomi Kida.

"What the hell is this?" I cried, then flinched upon hearing Masaomi's voice come out of my mouth.

So, how the hell had I turned into Masaomi?

How had I gotten here?

I bit my lip as I paced back and forth, until I paused.

Wait a second.

I was dead, wasn't I?

I was one hundred percent sure that I had been dead. I clearly recalled being dead, with Xs on my eyes and my tongue hanging out.

Now I was here, alive, as Masaomi Kida.

I placed my hand on my chest-my heart was definitely beating.

I could even hear the buzzing of the light above me. Everything was way too real. I was breathing and my heart was beating.

How? How was this possible?

Memories filtered through my head, (Masaomi's, not mine.)

' _I'd been talking with Mikado until I'd gotten sleepy and then taken a nap, and now I lose it, thinking I'm someone else-hey, I can't just suddenly believe I've always been a fictional character_!' I yelled at myself.

What I didn't understand is why I wasn't a freaking baby.

"Would've been easier," I grumbled, "Less of a hassle. Isn't that how these stories play out, anyway?"

It was then that I noticed that I was even speaking in Japanese, and had been this whole time, apparently.

I tried talking in English. I could, but it felt stilted and weird.

Talking in Japanese just felt more natural.

Still, it could be worse. I could've been Saki-wait holy guacamole, Batman!

Saki?!

Kida's girlfriend-er, mine now, I guess? How do I explain this whole situation to all of them?

Try to sit Saki, Mikado and Izaya down and try to explain how I'm not Masaomi flipping Kida.

None of them would believe me.

As I entered my room again, and flipped open the phone, I noticed that Mikado had sent up even more messages: "Masaomi, what's wrong? Hey, Masaomi, answer me! Did you hit your head?"

Mikado Ryuugamine is still typing to me.

Maybe I'd done some crazy drugs or something.

This felt too real, though.

My hair was definitely not a wig, I'd yanked at it too much.

I could tell that my roots were definitely still brown.

This is definitely a dream-

I kicked the door in frustration, and yelped at the pain that went through it, holding my foot as I jumped backwards comically.

"Ow, ow, ow, not gonna do that again, not gonna do that again!" I whined, "Okay! This is real!"

"Okay, Marisa-er, Ma-Masaomi, you have to figure out what caused this to happen!" I cried.

I stared out the window. This was definitely Ikebukuro.

I'd always wanted to come here, but not as one of the characters.

I flipped off whatever god had sent me here.

"Masaomi? Are you all right?" Mikado typed, the sound of the text made me jump one hundred feet out of my chair, but I managed to calm myself enough to type out the following sentence:

"I'm just fine! I was just joking, that's all, playing a practical joke! Trying to pretend I wasn't me, you caught me, Mikado, hahahaha!"

"You're obviously joking. What is it you're doing right now?"

I frowned. Obviously, Kida-er, (me?), had decided to nap before all of this stuff happened, "I was napping and woke up just now. And I'm studying...and flirting with chicks."

Wait. I did not mean to say that, or even type that.

'Are you telling me,' I screamed in my mind, 'That if I become Masaomi, I start talking like him, too? Great!'

'Get used to it,' A voice in my head said.

'Oh, great, I'm talking to myself now, lovely.' I thought, 'Won't be too long until I'm carted off to the insane asylum!'

'This is as real as it can possibly be. When you died, you were thrown here, now shut up and stop whining.' The voice sounded like a guy's, but irritated.

"Oh great, my other self hates me."

'You're not a chick anymore, you're a dude, stop bitching and get over it.'

"Shut up!" I cried.

I'd accidentally written shut up on the message I sent to Mikado. Crap.

"Masaomi, what's wrong?"

"Nothing! Just playing a video game online."

I closed my eyes and opened them. Still here, and still an anime character, oh and still Masaomi flipping Kida.

Doomed to have a hospitalized girlfriend, doomed to be the pawn of an evil (yet hot) troll, doomed to watch my friend try to kill himself, and doomed to be a gang leader.

 **'You did _not_ just call Izaya hot, did you?** ' The voice said.

It was then that I realized...that voice was the real Kida.

Shit, he's here, too?

' _Of course I am, you dumbass! Body stealer!_ '

I flinched. "I didn't mean it, I swear!"

' **All right, then. How and why are you here, in my body**?' The voice demanded.

I froze and shook my head. 'I don't know.'

' **Well, I'm stuck here with you. So deal with it.'** Real Kida said.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkk!" I cursed.

I imitated a certain video game guy.

I wished I'd had a beer to celebrate, except I was underage, so no.

"So, Masaomi, what are you doing?" Mikado asked.

"Just hanging out." I confessed.

'You know, before I was turned into an anime character.'

At that moment, my cell phone rang.

I answered.

Big mistake.

"Hello?" I muttered.

"Oh, Masaomi-kun."

Izaya, aw shit.

Oh great, a character I loved was now real.

And I was a teenage boy. Awkward as hell.

Can things get any worse?

"Come over to see me. We have things to discuss...about your gang."

Shit.

At this point in time, Masaomi is a gang leader.

I'm a gang leader.

Crap.

Why did I get a life covered with salami, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and a whole portion of crap served on top?

I grudgingly bade Mikado farewell and shut the computer off, stalking off to Izaya's apartment. For some reason, I knew where it was. It must've been Kida's memories guiding me, or some bullshit like that.

"Come on in, Masaomi-kun."

And holy shit, was Izaya freaking huge.

It dawned on me how short I was now and I felt self-conscious.

"Shut up and go away." I snapped, slamming the door.

"Such manners, Masaomi-kun." He said.

"Whatever," I growled, throwing myself into a chair,"So this is about the Yellow Scarabs?"

He looked at me funny. "The Yellow Scarves."

"Right, I was joking." I said, "Izaya-sannnn!"

How eerie, I was even joking like Kida.

"Right, well, anyway, Masaomi-kun. The Blue Squares have been causing trouble."

Uh-oh, Blue Squares.

This must be around the time Saki gets hurt and-holy shit, why was I here in this time of all times?

Someone kill me.

"So I kick their asses?" I said.

Izaya smirked. "Basically."

That I could try. Guys were more muscular than girls, after all.

But did I really have to be a guy?

I had to shudder at the image of a female Kida, though, and sighed.

So this is my life now.

I didn't ask for this.

Real nice.


	2. Chapter 2 gamblin man

**A/N: Okayyyy, time to redo chapter 2 of this story. It's such a problem child of mine but I love it anyway, nonetheless. I see it has some issues, but here we are!**

 **""You may not get it right the first time...life happens,people meddle,you frustrate each other and in those circumstances,you drift apart...**

 **When you get a second chance and the universe smiles at you,destiny lends a hand and fate brings you together again,**

 **Do not mess it up"**

― **Dru Edmund Kucherera**

 **"You keep asking what it means to be a man, and the truth is, there's not just one way. Every morning you get up there's a thousand chances to do the right thing, be a good man. Hopefully you get most of them right; you're not gonna get all of them right. ~The Middle, "The Man Hunt" [S7, E16, 2016], written by Roy Brown, spoken by the character Mike Heck to Brick Heck**

* * *

Chapter 2 The Reluctant Shogun (second chances suck)

Well, this was something else.

I mean, really, what could I say to make this situation more or less awkward than it already was? This was something very unbelievable.

Before I knew it, I had been dying of cancer one second, and then I'd died. Then I'd been transformed into Masaomi Kida, into a guy and then sent into a fictional world for a purpose I did not understand.

I was still stuck on the idea that all of this was _real._ I wasn't just on my couch watching Durarara, I was actually _in_ it. Everything in it felt and looked real, from the floor underneath my shoes to the television behind us blaring out the news, even to the feel of the scarf around my neck.

I just stared at everything, looking up and down at everything around me.

I actually felt a little lonely. I was just a kid and I'd been suddenly thrust into a new body, into a new world and a new life. What was I supposed to do? I was still too confused by all of this to really react or even say anything. All I could do was race through my thoughts and think about how I should be at home, alive, with my siblings, not here as Kida. Not here with the wrong sex and the wrong body.

I shut my eyes, then opened them. Still here. Still male. Still an anime character.

Drat.

I didn't know what I should-could do right now. Right now, I'm just a powerless fifteen-er, uh, _thirteen-year-old_ kid. The notion of being that young again scared me and made me feel very, very powerless.

It wasn't like I was unused to that idea, though. I'd been stuck in a hospital for quite some time.

I'm stuck as a kid in a precarious position right now.

As I sat on Izaya's sofa, swinging my legs, I glared up at Izaya, trying to play the act for all it was worth. His red eyes-it felt like they could see right through me. It was almost like he knew everything about me and could read me in an instant.

For a second, I wanted to tell him, but then the saner part of my mind reminded me that I would be laughed at and told to get out of his office. There were levels of insane even Izaya Orihara didn't cross. Reincarnation was one of them.

My thoughts were just whirling around in circles.

So this was my life now; stuck as a gang leader and a pawn in the hands of a madman.

I wished I had been born in something else.

But I'd been given a second chance, so I had to accept this.

I sort of remembered what had happened, though it was fuzzy. Some girl had thrown me here after I'd died and now I was here.

'Don't show any emotion, Izaya can see right through it!' I told myself.

' **No point in hiding your feelings, he can see everything!'** That same, irritating inner voice spoke up.

'Shut up! I'm just fine,' I snapped back.

' _ **Izaya's noticing, you know. He's not stupid.'**_

 _'You think I'm stupid?'_

Suddenly, Izaya flicked my forehead, causing me to stumble forward a little.

"-Kun. Masaomi-kunnnnn, are you paying attention?"

"Huh?" I said, blinking for a few moments.

Oh, that's right. I'm Kida Masaomi, physically thirteen, with a fifteen-year-old mind. Awkward. At least I wasn't thirtysome years old, otherwise that would be just plain creepy.

Still, I tried to ignore that sensation of just what was between my legs now, shuffling slightly. This whole body felt weird...and wrong.

"W-What is it, Izaya-san?" I said, shakily.

He sighed.

'Holy shit, he's huge! Stop thinking such dirty thoughts!'

Damn these hormones. They made me sound like a total pervert and I'm just thirteen. Creepy.

"Pay attention, Kida-kun. I said that you need to manage your gang more. The Blue Squares are getting restless. And Saki-chan is wondering why you haven't called her. I tried to call you a while ago today and you wouldn't answer. Did you pass out or something? You've been acting odd all day."

I raised my hands in the air in a conciliatory gesture, Kida made gestures a thing, right? Yeah, if I can master this gesturing thing, he'll leave me alone, right?

I got the feeling it wouldn't be so easy to get him off my back.

"I-I...I'm all right. I just got tired, napped, and then woke up and saw that you called, is all." I said, smiling nervously. "A guy needs his rest, doesn't he?"

"I see," Izaya said, though it didn't sound like he bought it.

He did something very uncharacteristic then: he ruffled my hair, something I frowned at.

I didn't like being treated like a child.

Fortunately, that was seen as something Kida-ish.

"That's more like you, Kida-kun. For a few moments, I wondered if you weren't some imposter."

I sweated slightly before noticing that there had been food placed in front of us and I hadn't noticed. I bit into a cake he had offered me.

"But that's impossible. Why don't you go see Saki-chan? She's been waiting for you." He said, handing me a cup of tea, which I accepted with a simple thank you.

"Say, Izaya-san?" I asked, with the cup halfway to my lips, trying hard not to shudder.

"Yes?" He paused, looking at me.

"Um...what would you do if you were told you had only a short time to live? I read a book where someone got cancer, you see." I muttered, "It was an interesting book."

"Since when do you read, Kida-kun? You normally avoid reading." He muttered, his eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

Aw, crud, I'd forgotten it was Mikado who was the intellectual nerd and not Kida.

"Ah, I happened to pick it up and glance through it?" I said, laughing slightly.

"That is an interesting question, Masaomi-kun. I suppose I'd live my life to the fullest. Humans die, after all. Whether or not reincarnation happens is not something I believe in. But perhaps it happens. Would you be a believer in it, Masaomi-kun?" His sharp eyes were right on me as he said the question.

I suddenly gagged on my tea. "Sorry, Izaya, that went down the wrong chute."

Izaya leaned forward and inspected me from head to toe, which caused me to shudder.

"Is there something you're hiding from me, Masaomi-kun? You seem just a little different today, more on edge and kinda jumpy. Are you worried about your gang?"

Dammit, Izaya, stop being so scary!

"Yeah," I mumbled, fidgeting slightly. This body would still take some getting used to.

I mean, it wasn't like I'd replaced Masaomi. I was Masaomi now and my thoughts were starting to be like his already, but I was still me, " _That's_ what I was worried about."

"No need to worry, Kida-kun. You're strong." He said, smirking.

I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, coming from a guy like him.

"Thank you," I muttered, looking away, a slight blush dusting my cheeks pink from embarrassment.

"Saki-chan is here now," He replied, looking up as a familiar brown-haired girl came in through the door and gave me a hug.

Oh god, she was cute.

Before I could even register anything...she yelled, "Masaomi!" and charged right at me and-boobs.

Suddenly, my face was in her boobs.

Oh my god.

Damn these hormones!

My face was cherry red and then-oh, god.

I looked down, and promptly wished I hadn't.

I had an...I didn't even want to say it, but my nose promptly started to bleed.

"Masaomi, are you all right?" Saki asked, "Your nose is bleeding!"

I was slightly dazed.

"A-Ah, nothing!" I muttered, wiping the blood off my nose, though I was still blushing.

"I see what happened, Masaomi-kun," Izaya said, enjoying himself way too much. Freaking bastard.

"What? What happened?" Saki asked.

"Masaomi-kun has a good appreciation of female anatomy, it seems."

Her face flushed. "Masaomi!" She scolded.

"I couldn't help it! You just did that all of a sudden...how am I supposed to react?" I whined, clamping my legs together.

Fuck, this was awkward.

Was I even straight anymore at this point?

I mean, she was a girl, I was a girl (or had been,) now I was a guy with guy hormones, but I wasn't anymore, so did this make me lesbian? Gay? Straight? I didn't know, my mind was thinking things that should be illegal for a thirteen year old kid to think.

But apparently males think about this stuff a lot, so this should be something I get used to. Greattttt.

Damn, the changes in hormones were hard.

"Hello, Saki," I said, fighting off the blush on my face, "Nice to see my lovely girl's here again!"

God, that felt corny to say.

She giggled. "Oh, Masaomi, you're so nice; Izaya-sama, I went shopping for dinner and got us some nice food. I'll cook it if you want some."

To my surprise, Izaya smiled at her. It seemed like he actually cared about her. This was news.

In all related news, the world has ended.

Fish around the world died.

Everyone died.

Him being nice was the equivalent of Seto Kaiba actually smiling and being friendly to Yugi.

"No problem, Saki-chan. Dinner will be ready soon, Masaomi-kun."

My stomach growled.

Oh god, how long had it been since I'd had actual food that wasn't hospital food and total mush?

I had distinct memories of eating something like ramen for lunch, but those were this Kida's memories, not mine.

"Thank you," I whispered, flushing slightly.

"Masaomi is being awfully shy today," Saki said as she handed me a plate of sushi and some fish on the side. I stared at the foreign-looking food and picked up the chopsticks, trying to balance them. I dropped a piece of food for a moment, but managed to pick up quickly enough, laughing it off as a joke (anime reflexes pay off, cheating, I know) while Izaya still cast me strange stares.

It seemed like Kida's memories could influence me to do this stuff, but I still was totally new to this whole being an anime character thing.

"Do you like it, Masaomi?" Saki asked.

The only response she got was the sound of me wolfing everything down.

"I guess that's a yes, then. Men and their appetites." She said with a laugh.

It was true.

I mean, on PMS girls need to eat so much, but as a guy, I really did need to eat more. It was a bizarre sensation, but since I'd had PMS before, I was used to it.

"Thanks for the meal!" I said, smiling as I finished the last bit of sushi.

"Masaomi, you've got some up here," Saki said, wiping my chin off.

"Thanks," I muttered.

Man, she reminded me of my old mom.

I still missed them badly.

But I couldn't cry in front of Izaya.

That was wrong, (it seems like Izaya would use that as blackmail later, so I decided not to).

"Masaomi, is something on your mind?" Saki asked.

"No, it's nothing." I said softly.

* * *

I swallowed my sadness and watched a tv program with Saki. This wasn't too bad, I guessed, from the way she was curling up against me-I supposed that maybe she actually did love me, in a way.

That love was for Masaomi, not me. I felt like I was stealing from her.

She thought I was her Masaomi.

In a way, I was now. But I still felt like I was stealing his life.

"Masaomi, is something wrong?" She asked, her arm wrapping around me.

"Nothing," I said, "I just had a bad dream last night. Where I died..." I muttered, shaking.

How I wished it had been nothing but a dream.

I still couldn't forget the image of my hand falling to the ground, of my little sister's screams.

"It's all right, Masaomi. It was nothing but a bad dream. You'll be all right. You're alive." She said softly, combing her hands through my hair. It felt good to have someone who cared.

"Is it all right if I...act a little childish?" I whispered, lowering my face.

"Of course. You're still thirteen, after all. You're my boyfriend anyway, Masaomi. You can cry in front of me and I won't care."

CHOMP. CHOMP.

I looked up in time to see that Izaya had made himself some popcorn and was sitting there, casually placing pieces of it in his mouth, while looking at us in amusement.

I shot him an annoyed stare.

"Do carry on, don't mind me." He purred.

"Izaya-sama, do you mind?" Saki asked in annoyance.

"Sorry, I just remembered that my little sisters get like that sometimes." He said, "It's kinda entertaining."

Why was Izaya acting so human?

Did I alter the fabric of space and time?

No, maybe this was how things always were, and because I hadn't been a part of this universe before, I'd never seen how human Izaya was, but it scared me.

I lowered my head into Saki's lap and let my emotions pour out.

"Masaomi?" She said in concern. "Are you... _crying?_ "

"...Scared me. That nightmare...it really scared me, it really did. I dreamed I died and left you behind. I'm glad you're really here. I really am." I whispered, feeling ashamed for crying.

But I just really missed my family. I really, really missed them.

"Masaomi, it's all right. You're right here and you're fine." Saki reassured, hugging me as I sobbed.

I missed my mom.

I missed my little sister.

I missed my older sister.

I missed my dog, Sadie.

I missed my cat.

I missed my friends.

I missed my teachers and neighbors.

I'd lost so much from cancer. It'd all been taken away from me in a heartbeat.

Was it bad that I didn't wish to go back?

'You made a deal, Masaomi. You can't go back on it. It's natural that you'll have regrets.' The Rika lookalike spoke to me in my mind. 'But you can't go back. Your family is mourning you, but they will move on. You cannot live in the past. You are someone else now.'

I looked at her. My eyes widened. I looked like Masaomi now. 'How come I don't appear as myself?' I asked, very, very curious about this.

'Your soul is changing to match your body. Sooner or later, you will become one with him. He still exists, it's not like you pushed him out. Enjoy your new life.'

With that, I came back to reality, and pushed my head out of Saki's lap, showing my puffy cheeks.

She gave me a few tissues and hugged me tightly.

"It's all right to cry, Masaomi. You miss your parents badly since they abandoned you, right?"

Wait, what?

 _What?_

"They abandoned you when you came here, right?" She repeated, as if she expected me to know this piece of information.

I nodded. "Yes. I miss them. I dreamed I lost everyone. I don't want that to happen."

Izaya was looking at me in concern.

"Being a gang leader is stressing you out _this_ much, Kida-kun?"

Dammit, he suspected me, didn't he? Or maybe he was just being a parental figure.

"No! I can handle it, I just need some rest, I guess." I said with a laugh.

I'd just gotten used to being here. Of course, I would miss my old life.

Suddenly, my hand brushed against something soft.

A loud meow startled me. I looked in time to see a black cat nuzzling up against my legs.

"Hello there, Iza!" Saki said cheerfully.

The cat purred and jumped in her lap.

"Don't you recognize him, Masaomi? This is Iza, Izaya's cat."

The cat meowed at me and sniffed me before purring.

I smiled and shakily petted him.

"He remembers you." She said.

Well, this wasn't too bad.

But Iza?

How egotistical did Izaya have to be to name it after himself?

Oh, wait, maybe Saki did that.

Iza curled up against me as we watched some television.

Saki was asleep.

I had to laugh a little at the sight.

I moved slightly and Iza hissed before leaping off me and going to Izaya.

"Don't you think you should be going home, Masaomi-kun?" Izaya asked.

"Yeah," I muttered, sitting up. "Thanks for the company. It was nice, Izaya. I still don't like you."

"You're thanking me, Kida-kun. Are you sick?" He asked.

"Tch, I can show gratitude, you know." I grumbled.

I hugged the sleeping Saki before I got up and Izaya paused.

"I'll drive you home," He said.

On the way there, he said, "Masaomi-kun, I know you're just going through puberty, so if you ever have any questions about your voice changing and your you know, fantasies, feel free to ask me."

My face flushed fifty shades of red. "Shut up!"

"I know, you know. If you get that way-"

"Just stop talking!" I snapped.

"Your voice will get higher and then deeper. I'll make sure to film it."

"How come your voice is always high, then?" I growled.

"You are so unfun, Kida-kun," He mumbled, "You're being a brat, so I had to take you home and all, and now you're not even thanking me."

"Who knew Izaya liked me?" I snarked.

"You're making me sound like a pedo, Masaomi-kun, so shut up before I ground you." He said.

"Quit acting like my parent."

"Your hormones are acting up, Masaomi-kun."

* * *

When he dropped me off, I entered my apartment-er the house I'd woken up in and sighed, locking everything up and going to sleep.

Izaya had been a little puzzled when I hadn't known where the key was, but he pointed it out to me before he left, muttering to himself about whether or not young people could become senile.

It had been a few hours, but I was eager to sleep.

Oh wait a second, today was a...Saturday.

Then tomorrow was...a Sunday.

Oh, crap, did I have any homework?

I was still in school.

Crap.

I'd forgotten.

Panicking slightly, I tried getting the new homework done before doing what I could and going to bed.

I flicked the lights out and rolled over in my new bed, looking up at the ceiling.

One thing was for sure.

I did not like the barren walls. I'd had too much of a look at hospital ceilings and looking at barren white walls just reminded me of that.

"So this is my new life, huh?" I muttered.

Sure as hell would miss all my manga...

Oh, wait a second...a smirk crossed my face.

If I ever wanted any manga, I could just ask Erika and Walker, but on the other hand, if Kida Masaomi acts like a nerd, it's the end of the world.

Mostly it was Mikado who was the nerd.

It wasn't too bad, but I wished I'd had a say in the matter.

* * *

The next day, my alarm clock rang loudly, causing me to jolt awake in bed, my hair sticking up in all directions. I looked like a Jolteon.

Bedhead was annoying.

"Damned anime gravity," I growled, scratching my blond hair in annoyance. Wait...then I remembered what had happened. I realized I'd been crying in my sleep] I must've dreamed of my family again.

"I've gotta stop that," I whispered, "This is my new life now and I can't give up. I've barely started."

I stared at my phone where there were messages from other gang members.

"I have to be brave," I said, recalling something my mom had told me once.

"Marisa, stand tall and fight. You can fight this cancer. Chemo hurts, but it's worth it."

Even if I no longer had cancer or asthma, I had been given a second chance and I ought to stop feeling sorry for myself.

"I'm going to do this right." I said, staring at my reflection in the mirror as I dried myself off from the shower. I cringed at my new organs, but then sighed. I was a guy now, I had to deal with it.

I smiled to myself as I ate my breakfast, some ramen.

Japanese food was still hard to get used to, but I had work to do.

I still missed my parents, but it stung less as I walked among the people of Ikebukuro.

There were so many new and exciting things here that I could experience, that my heart was just pounding so hard that it hurt.

Everything was so loud and colorful, that I found myself unable to contain the excitement bubbling up inside me. Despite the fact that I hated this, I also...couldn't help but be entranced by all of it. It's kind of like being a kid and being in an amusement park for the first time. There's a sense of childish wonder and fascination.

Then I heard it.

A horse neighing.

 _It was Celty._

My eyes widened as she sped by me, glancing in my direction briefly before speeding off.

"It's the Black Rider!" People whispered.

"Wow," I said, shaking in excitement. I never dreamed I'd meet Celty Sturluson face to face.

She was one of my favorite characters for a reason-er, people.

I walked around some more, and then I suddenly bumped into somebody.

"Sorry about that, kid." A familiar voice said.

I knew who that was.

Holy crapola.

I looked up into the face of _Shizuo Heiwajima._

"Nothing, Heiwajima-san. I'll be on my way now."

"Hey, what's a kid like you doing out by yourself?" He asked.

I still couldn't believe that _Shizuo_ was talking to me.

I pushed those thoughts down.

"I'm fine." I said, smiling back. "Thanks for worrying, though. I'm all right."

I heard him mumble something under his breath about what a weird kid I was as I ran off.

I was excited to see this place.

Part of me didn't mind this so much.

But things were going to get bad, right?

Saika, Dollars, Yellow Scarves, I thought, but at the moment I didn't care.

In this moment, I was happy to be alive.

At that very moment, I didn't care that I was Masaomi. I just wanted to live.


	3. Chapter 3 one heart two heads

_A/N: Okay, I'm editing this for coherency purposes, as some of it feels a little weird and tacked on funny, so let me redo this chapter in particular, it's the oddest of them all._

 _""Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."_

 _― Eleanor Roosevelt_

Chapter 3: Aureolus Regnum

* * *

I didn't know where I was.

I could hear sobbing.

Someone was _definitely_ crying.

I looked around, confused, for the source of the noise.

Then I spotted him; a small figure, a child who appeared to be around seven or eight years old, lying, crouched on the grass, sobbing quietly. He had brown hair and was cradling his injured knee gently.

He was sitting alone, with tears running down his face.

"It hurts..." He whined.

Who was this child?

I didn't know who he was, yet my mind felt like I should know who he was.

I walked towards him.

"Are you all right?" I called out.

My voice sounded different from how I remember it.

The young boy looked up at me before his eyes widened-golden eyes.

"Go away, you body snatcher!" He snapped.

"Body snatcher? What are you talking about?" I asked.

The young boy flinched when I tried to touch him, sniveling.

"G-Get away from me, you're stealing my body! It's not fair, just leave me alone!" He cried, whimpering.

I blinked for a few moments before I remembered. Yes, I had died and then I was someone else, and now apparently that person was still here. This was going to take some explaining.

I knelt down before the kid, noticing that I looked like my old self, only anime-ified. "Look, I'm sorry that I took your body. I never intended for that to happen, but I'm here now, so, um, we're one and the same now, so, uh, I, uh, really had no choice but to come here, and, uh..."

"What do you mean?" The boy protested, but then I noticed that the child was changing into a boy I recognized, a boy about my age physically, thirteen or fourteen.

"What are you saying? You think you can just take over my life like this?" He snapped.

"That's ironic," I said with a laugh, "That's what I said when I was diagnosed with cancer."

"You're a chick, right?" He stated, then paused, "C-Cancer? Seriously?"

"Yes, that's how I came here." I said, pushing my brown bangs back, "You see, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I couldn't stop crying because I felt so alone and I had no friends and I had to drop out of school because it hurt so much. It really hurt to have to go through surgery after surgery. After only being on chemotherapy for six months, I died anyway...and..."

He was silent, tilting his head, regarding me cautiously. I could tell he didn't believe me.

"And, I awoke here, in your body. How long has it been since I started being here?"

"A week or two weeks, at the least." He muttered.

"I...made a deal with someone, so I can't leave. I don't want you to be afraid of me because you're me, right? Can you please not be afraid of me? I didn't want to be here, either, but I had no choice."

Kida was silent, just staring at me.

I started to bite back tears.

Already, my own self was rejecting me.

"You see, all I ever wanted to do was live," I whispered, "Experience the world outside a hospital, learn to be someone else. I always wanted to live, exist and explore, but I was confined to a hospital, unable to do that. Now I'm finally in that sort of situation where I can do just that. Even if my body has the wrong sex and a different age, all I just wanted was to live...I'm stupid, aren't I? Confessing all this to you, when you don't even know the slightest thing about me."

I let the tears fall.

Still, Kida was silent, staring at me with a frown present on his face. "Don't cry," He muttered, "That's...that's terrible," He stated, "You shouldn't have had to go through all that, yet why...why are you still smiling? Who decided it was fair for you to die like that and not even get the chance to say goodbye!? That's horrible. But it's not like I trust you completely."

That, I could understand.

He paused, "I mean, you're just going to be here temporarily, right? I mean, you're not going to be here forever, right? Because I don't like the idea of sharing a mind, it's creepy, and it's bothered me already, and I don't want Mikado thinking I'm crazy."

He flushed slightly upon seeing my tears. "Um, what I mean is, I understand this whole thing is awkward for both of us, but I need some time to adjust to all this and stuff." His face screwed up. "I mean, just, I want time to think this over."

His voice gathered in strength.

"I mean, we are one in the same, but you just suddenly took over my life and poured out that sob story to me, so I have no idea how to react."

"Neither do I. I have no idea how to react after being put here. We're both in the same boat, we're both stranded and don't know what to do." I said, "You don't need to be alone. I accept you as you are."

"You do?" He said, looking at me with confusion.

"I know your future and what happens. But people aren't perfect and you're allowed to take as much time as you need to to accept me. There are really only two things I wished for: to live and that I could be happy. I'm just happy that I can do the first thing."

"You...really don't care if you're unhappy?" He stammered, "You're the oddest girl I've ever met. I only wish I could be as brave as you are."

He pulled out a dream tissue (anything goes in dreams) and handed it to me. "Don't cry. I don't like crying girls. I mean, you're me, right? So if I'm upset about something, you will be, too, right?"

"Exactly, we have to be here for each other." I said, "By the way, why were you crying?"

His face fell. "I was remembering my parents. They treated me badly."

"It's all right." I said, "I'm going to be here until the end, I guess."

"Well, I don't trust you, but I'll think about it. Wait, what's your name?"

"I'm Marisa."

"I'm Kida." He said, "Don't let any of this slip to Mikado, he wouldn't understand it."

"I got it." I said.

Then the dream warped.

I was chasing after something, a car of some sort, screaming someone's name. Then I was lost in a city, I couldn't find the person I was looking for. I ran into the wrong people.

"Get out of the way, stupid kid."

I glared at them in anger. Couldn't they see I was just a kid?

Were these.. _.Kida's memories?_

 _Everything felt very real._

 _"Mommy, Daddy!" I cried._

 _I sat on the street curb, crying._

 _Until a pair of red eyes met my own golden eyes...and then...darkness._

* * *

Just like that, I was awake.

I realized also that the sheets were tangled around my feet again.

"Stupid futon." I growled. I'd been here for a week, and this stupid futon was still giving me grief.

'It's really not that hard.' The same voice in my head growled.

'You're the original Kida, right?' I asked myself as I struggled with the covers.

'Yep. Try taking the covers and moving them around,' He encouraged.

Aha, that was much easier.

"I can't believe I have to air out this stupid mattress, what if bugs get on it?" I yelped.

'Bugs aren't as bad as cancer-oh my god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.'

'It's fine, I don't mind.' I said in my mind, grumpily.

How glad I was that it was the weekend.

One thing that sucked about this body was being so short.

'Hey, I can hear you, you know! Not my fault I'm short! I think it's my-er, our birthday today?' Kida said awkwardly, 'If that makes any sense at all.'

"So we are...Kidas Masaomis?" I said.

Upon hearing inner Kida let out a groan in my head, I just laughed.

"You know, this is a new form of self-torture. Just better make sure no one sees you talking to yourself.' Inner Kida warned.

"I'll be fine!" I chirped.

I sighed as I sat back down and helped myself to a cup of ramen.

This world was quite weird.

* * *

Besides the whole literal being Kida Masaomi thing, life was ordinary, I suppose-as ordinary as it can be when you're stuck being Orihara Izaya's plaything for his objectives. No one but him would ever think resurrecting a head and causing a massacre would be anything other than wanton and flat-out disgusting.

I grimaced at that thought before continuing to chat with my friend, thus trying to disengage myself more from this rather compromising situation I'd found myself in. So what do I do as Kida Masaomi, then? Do I sit back and change nothing?

Do I let Saki get injured and let the whole situation play out the same?

Though, seeing as now I was literally said character, it was becoming very hard for me to think of Saki as the useless girl I had seen her as before. She was strong, just not in ways you could see. Izaya just preyed on people's guilts, fears and what made them tick.

Saki was an easy victim in his game, as was I.

I tightened my fists, I definitely wasn't going to die again. I refused to let destiny win.

I was going to change my life for the better.

But how?

I was just a kid at this point, not exactly someone with a lot of say or power. Saki definitely would do anything Izaya told her to do, even if it meant die. That thought scared me. Would I become like that?

No way. I'd already died once.

Never again.

"Masaomi, are you all right? You've been awfully quiet." Mikado typed back to me on the chat we were currently having.

I jumped slightly. "I'm just fine. Just busy thinking about my schoolwork."

The whole idea of going back to school was a nice one, aside from literally having taken over someone else's life. I felt like a body snatcher or a terrible person.

"You're actually doing your studies for once instead of focusing on women? That's amazing, Masaomi." Mikado typed back, with a surprised emoticon after his message.

I smiled. "Flirting with women is amazing, but studying counts as well."

"Are you sick, Masaomi?" He wrote. "Maybe you've finally decided to start taking studying seriously."

I was suddenly nervous.

'Relax, it's only two years until Mikado comes here. But by then-'

My heart froze.

Somehow, I had come here by someone's hand. What was it they had mentioned?

Something, like eventually, my memories of my other life would vanish, be gone completely.

Was that only natural, evolution as Izaya put it? To keep on moving and then leave my old life behind forever?

I was overthinking things like I usually did. I had two years to keep my life in order here. I just had to relax, focus and everything would be fine.

"Right, be calm, be cool and attract lots of girls, that's my motto, Mikado!" I wrote.

I could almost picture him facepalming on the other end before he said, "I sent you something in the mail for your birthday. But for now, have this emoticon, you dork."

It said, Happy Birthday, Masaomi.

I smiled despite myself.

"Thank you, Mikado! That's most appreciated." I said, before I went to work on my homework, trying my best to fit in.

Then came the hard part.

Being a fucking gang leader.

Yeah, going to school is pretty flipping easy. It's the gang leader part that's the hardest. Disciplining a bunch of immature thugs and teaching them to beat the snot out of people with grace and decor-it's amazing how much patience is required to deal with them. Especially the really immature older ones.

Take that night, the night the Shogun was called to deal with some immature punks who'd been fighting the wrong people. While being internally grateful that I was not in some manga with too many supernatural elements (I wouldn't have been able to handle something like that, to be honest), being a gang leader was tough enough work by itself.

"We figured we'd go out and get some nice chickies, Shogun! What do you think of that?" One particularly dumb mook said.

'Sexist jerk,' The part of my brain that still identified as a girl and wanted to deck these guys in the face hissed, but I ignored it.

"Listen, you guys! We're here to run a gang and while picking up girls is a fun thing, it's not our main objective. Our main objective is running our territory and keeping the Blue Squares out of our asses." I said sharply, surprised at how natural that felt.

"Right, Shogun!" They said, shaking a little.

I inspired terror in these guys? That was interesting.

I just had to pretend it was cancer I was striking in the face, over and over again when I did the turf wars. It made it easier to disassociate from what was actually happening. Of course, getting punched right back was hard to deal with, as the blood flowed from my nose.

"Shogun!" They cried, coming to my side.

There was an odd sense of solidarity I got from these people. It sounds twisted, I know. A bunch of gangsters showing compassion is the last thing you expect to hear about. But perhaps I was starting to understand why I had been given a second chance.

To live again, to reach out to others.

Even if I had a bloody nose from fighting, I didn't care. Fighting felt exhilarating. Is this why guys did it? Either way, though, I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I didn't care.

I liked living a double life like this, it was fun.

School began for me on Monday, so I went. It was quite odd being surrounded by anime characters, but I suppose that was my life now.

The odd thing I noticed was that virtually no one accompanied me to school. Kida Masaomi clearly went to school alone.

It was odd as hell. I'd remembered having lots of friends before cancer took them all away.

There was Courtney, with her talk about boys and boy bands, then Lindsey with her love of horses but her love of yaoi...I missed all of them, somehow.

It was a foreign feeling, that's for sure, upon sitting there, literally surrounded by people, but being completely alone. Aside from a few kids that were in the gang circles, I had no friends except for online ones like Mikado. Well, there was Kadota and his gang, but at this point in the game, they don't even know who the fuck I am.

It seemed that Kida Masaomi did not have many friends outside of his gang, given by the fact that no one spoke a word to me as I sat there in class, doing my work, but also attempting to hit on girls, you know to keep the act up.

"It's Kida. He's such a weird kid." A girl behind me whispered, "Ew, Kida should've just stayed home and never come back."

I coughed to indicate I was not pleased with those words.

My reaction was ignored.

"I heard he hits on girls and that his parents don't want him, so they left him here."

My fists tightened. Must try not to hit anyone. Must try not to...

"He's a creepy pervert. Just ignore him if he talks to you."

Everyone has been bullied before, trust me. Every single person has been.

When I had been a female, I remembered how I'd gone and had an asthma attack and that had amused my attackers even more.

They'd cornered me outside my locker every day, spread rumors about me and would lie and destroy my homework so I'd get terrible grades on purpose. They'd pretended to have sympathy for me when I'd been diagnosed with cancer, before telling me "the world wouldn't miss me if I died." After a teacher overheard this and reported them, they'd apologized but shot me death glares and started calling me baldie when I lost my hair, just before I stopped going to school altogether.

 _"Look at the little gasper today! She can't even breathe right around us! Do you need this?" The girl taunted, waving the Eppie pen above me._

 _"Give it to me..." I gasped, falling on my hands and knees, coughing._

 _"Look at her, she'll be coughing to her coffin eventually. You're so boring. You always react in the same way. You always cough and then gasp. Why do the teachers let you sit out during gym class? You're just doing it for attention."_

 _"Give it back!" I hissed, diving for it._

 _"Ooh, look at how brave she thinks she is. She's utterly pathetic."_

 _It was the same as before._

Kids are bullies. Kids can be cruel, vicious monsters who can tear you apart. But I thought cancer was far worse, it destroyed you inside and out and made your loved ones suffer along with it.

I sighed, folding my arms in boredom and smirking at her in an Izaya-like way, "You know, it'd be much more effective if you guys decided to discuss me when I'm not here."

The two girls flinched.

"Kida's got a point," A guy across from me said. Wait a second, he was in the gang. Some of my classmates were in the Yellow Scarves? Sweet. Backup is kinda nice.

"So what? He's a creepy kid." The girl's classmate said, "Don't you grin like you're someone special."

"We're _all_ gonna die eventually, you know." I said, giving her my best Izaya-ish grin. "Why not smile now and enjoy ourselves before we expire?"

She shuddered. "You're s-s-some kind of killer or something."

I laughed. "Why don't we go back to learning something? Maybe you'll learn some actual respect before you open your mouth."

Kids are immature little shits.

Ah, how I'd hated junior high. High school had been better, particularly because my high school had been one where my bullies hadn't gone. I was surrounded by new people and a new opportunity to make my life a little better.

In junior high, you either put up with the bullying or shut up the bullies for good. I guess I had to do it myself.

* * *

Later that afternoon, when I got home, there was a call from an unregistered number on my voicemail on my phone. I pressed it.

"Son? Can you hear me? This is your father, calling in to ask you where you are. We regret leaving you behind and want to take you back."

Oh really now, neglectful parents were suddenly playing the 'I-actually-give-a-damn-about-you-card.'

"I'm gonna change my number," I muttered, deleting the message and making a mental note to ask Izaya to change my number. If Kida Masaomi's parents hadn't given a damn when they'd dropped him off here in Ikebukuro, they weren't going to care now.

A sudden memory flashed across my mind, a memory of a littler Masaomi, screaming and begging his parents not to leave him as they drove off, laughing happily, ignoring their child.

Holy crap, had that actually happened?

I jolted up, sweating slightly.

Oh, neglectful parents. That's a nice gift to have for sure.

"What did I do to get burdened with asshole parents?" I muttered.

At least my other parents-why did I call them my other-had been kind and gentle.

I guess fate can be a double-edged sword.

Right now, I'm in a glass cage with the sword of Damocles dangling above me, waiting to fall at any second.

That Damocles was the accident against Saki. Could I avoid it?

Probably not.

Some things were pre-determined.

And there wasn't much a fourteen-year old like me could do against a big guy like Izumii Ran.

I was literally backed against a corner.

And for a second, I allowed myself to believe that I had control over my destiny.

How foolish of me.

I laughed a little before flicking on my tv and watching a program for a bit. "That's life, right? I can't control all of it."


	4. Chapter 4 dear agony

**A/N: Time for another update. I'm updating the Truth in the visions tonight and a side helping of a review. ;d I hope you enjoy this story. TSR and Per IRoniam Fatum are being updated If soon, maybe sometime this week.**

 **Also, DarkDust27,** _ **please**_ **stop asking about the pairings. I am not sure yet on who to pair him with, also he is thirteen right now, so no romance yet. He's still a minor. If you keep on asking questions like that, you're not gonna get answers. The story has barely begun, and the main character is barely sane enough to be in a romantic relationship yet, what with all the bullshit he's going to go through.**

 **The first part of this is gonna be extremely cracky. Then the next part of it will show some flashbacks of his past as a girl and then-the thing we've been waiting for will happen. The Blue Squares thing with Saki.**

 **There is one rule, above all others, for being a man. Whatever comes, face it on your feet."**

― **Robert Jordan, The Great Hunt**

" **I believe a man's finest hour often comes when he is at his weakest. When he is broken, affronted and at a place of great emotional transparency. It's there he has the rare insight of an inescapable truth…he's merely a man. As his bravado washes away into a puddle of reflective tears, it reveals that he is merely flesh, blood and bones and amounts to very little without the love and guidance of our creator. It's only then, that I believe, a man begins to truly find his way."**

― **Jason Versey, A Walk with Prudence**

 **Chapter 4 You're losing your memory now**

Life hates me.

I realized this when I was put in the role of Kida Masaomi.

Well, duh. That much is obvious.

But if you were wondering what I was doing right now, it was something very random that you would not be expecting a serious person like me to be doing.

The crunching sound was all that could be heard as I bit down on the popsicle, chewed and then swallowed. It was a cherry-flavored popsicle, straight out of Izaya's fridge. Who knew the sweet hater actually kept sweets?

It turned out Saki bought them.

Saki had quite the sweet tooth.

Saki was chewing on a lime-flavored one and Izaya was staring reluctantly at a grape-flavored one.

"Take a bite, Izaya-san," I taunted.

"Now, now, Masaomi, give him time," Saki urged.

Izaya reluctantly looked at us and then opened his mouth, took a few bites and then shuddered. "T-T-Too cold!" He snapped.

"Brain freeze?" I asked.

"B-b-b-brain freeze!" He repeated back, panting slightly until he'd managed to swallow the other pieces of popsicle.

If you wondered why we're wasting time eating popsicles, well, not every moment of our lives is spent doing exciting shit, right? And besides, it was a hot May day in Ikebukuro.

The air conditioners were refreshing to be in front of as we sat on Izaya's couch, watching television while eating ice pops.

"Careful to not let anything spill," Izaya muttered, "Last summer, Kururi and Mairu brought over ants from their house to here. I had to put bait traps everywhere."

Indeed, there was a bait trap in a corner that looked quite old and unused.

"Are you afraid of bugs?" Saki asked teasingly.

Izaya flinched and then gasped. "Brain freeze...again."

"Ha, Izaya got owned!" I cried, laughing.

Saki laughed as well.

"Shut up, Masaomi-kun," He growled, "Why did I agree to this in the first place?"

"Because we don't have anything better to do," I said, "And we're gonna watch some anime!"

Izaya groaned loudly. "I don't like anime!"

"Deal with it," Both of us said.

Izaya sank into his chair as we sat there and watched our anime.

I sucked on the cherry popsicle, enjoying the flavor. "Look how red my tongue is, Saki!"

I stuck my tongue out, and Saki laughed.

"Look at how green my tongue is." She said. "Izaya, is your tongue purple?"

"I'm not showing you," Izaya said sarcastically.

"What's the temperature outside?" Saki asked.

"Not as hot as it is in one desert in the United States, it gets nearly 130 degrees or more." I said, wiping my sweaty forehead and sucking even more on the red popsicle.

"It's amazing how interesting the Earth is, hm?" Izaya remarked.

"How's school going?" Saki asked, "I know your finals are coming up."

I shrugged. I was doing as well as I could be, having been thrown into his body for a mere week meant that I really had to rely on his memories of everything he'd learned before to do better. It wasn't like Kida was the smartest student in the world, he was merely average. Now, Mikado on the other hand...from Kida's memories he seemed like a very smart kid and a nerd.

Saki nudged me. "Masaomi, I've got some things to do tomorrow. I'll be shopping by myself tomorrow."

Wait a second...was this?

Was tomorrow the day of the Izumii Ran thing?

At this point, Kadota's with the Blue Squares, so it's not like I can go to him for advice.

Crap, I'd gotten too cheery and light-hearted.

I threw my popsicle away and threw myself back down on the couch, glaring at the floor, cursing my powerlessness.

"What's with the serious look on your face, Masaomi-kun? It's not like anything is going to happen." Saki chided me.

Izaya looked pensive, looking from me to Saki.

"Maybe Saki should have an escort just in case." He muttered.

"I do know some karate," Saki said, "I'm sure I can defend myself."

"I'm sure you can defend yourself, Saki-chan. And Masaomi-kun, don't drink that all at once."

I instantly gagged on my tea, spilling it on my shirt. "Crap!" I cried.

"Don't worry, it'll come out in the wash!" Saki said cheerily.

My mood only soured as the hours passed.

The brief tranquil moments I experienced with Saki and Izaya were to be short-lived. I should've known that, being a gang leader and all-these things catch up to you. But I was a fool.

"How do you wear your jacket in this one hundred degree weather?" I asked Izaya.

"I don't," Was his simple reply. "Do you want me to order some food from Simon's for us?"

"That'd be nice," I muttered, as I didn't have much cash on me. "By the way, Izaya, my parents called."

"Oh they did now, did they?" He said, and his eyebrows creased. "Pretending they care about you, aren't they?"

"Yep," I said, "Change my number."

"Sure, but it'll cost you some yen." Izaya remarked sardonically, laughing at the angry scowl on my face.

Cheap bastard.

* * *

"I don't run this business for free, you know." He said, getting up to leave.

This life wasn't that bad, I guess.

After we ate dinner, I just couldn't help but notice how there was a pit forming in my stomach.

Everything seemed far too easy.

Being able to fool Izaya and Saki...eventually, they would know something had changed in my temperament...would I be able to fool Mikado?

I thought over these confusing thoughts as I went home and toppled into my bed, exhausted after having to stay up late studying for a test I had tomorrow.

My thoughts were a haze of memories and my old memories.

The more I tried to think about my old life, the more my head would pound and my vision would feel fuzzy.

It was as though something was preventing me from recalling all of them.

But what?

"Let's see," I said, as I wrote in my diary, "in my past life, I'd been a female...with brown hair."

Still a brunette now.

"And brown eyes."

My eyes were now gold and not brown, but whatever.

"I had cancer. And my name then was Marisa. I had a mother and siblings."

I tried recalling their names.

I _didn't_ remember them.

I dropped the pencil.

I _could not_ remember them.

Why couldn't I remember their names?

'One of them was...Sammy, and my older sister was...I don't remember! Dammit!'

Tears of frustration pricked at the corners of my eyes as I slammed my fists down on my pillow.

Then a sudden voice floated into my mind as I lay there, freaked out by what was happening and my suddenly vanishing memories.

'Remembering things from the plot is cheating, Masaomi, and because of this, we can't have you knowing everything, now, can we? This whole thing is unfair to begin with, your existence here is cheating death, therefore you have certain rules you have to uphold. First, you must not reveal to anyone who you really are. It will be game over for you if you do. Second, trying to change absolutely everything will not result in a good ending and you know that. You are still a child, you cannot change much yet.'

Purple eyes gleamed as a smirk came on her face. 'But you will continue fighting, won't you? Accept your new identity as a boy and live. Dwelling in the past does no good.'

"Shut up!" I hissed.

She was nowhere to be seen.

Dammit, I'd really signed a contract of death with what was her name...Bernkastel?

'You're right! That's me. Show me you can win in this life, Ma-sa-omi~. I picked you by chance.'

So it wasn't out of pity or anything.

Growling in frustration, I buried my face in my pillow and closed my eyes, trying to forget all of this.

'You will eventually forget everything and just be the you you are now." She whispered.

That night, I had an odd dream.

 _I dreamed that Celty followed me around, and took off her mask to reveal Izaya underneath, who took off his head to reveal Shizuo underneath, who took his head off to reveal Mikado underneath, and then Mikado took his head off to show he was a Scooby-Doo villain underneath._

 _By the time I'd gotten through that dream, I was in the middle of dreaming about my past life and having an asthma attack, gasping, unable to breathe, me falling over._

That is, until I shot up in bed and realized that I wasn't really gasping.

"Thank goodness some things didn't carry over into this life," I muttered, examining my hands.

It was nice to not have to worry about carrying an Eppie pen everywhere, but still, being cancer-free was such an odd sensation.

When I went to school that day, the odd feeling in my gut did not go away. It persisted all day long, turning into a dull ache.

* * *

Even while I was sitting there in school, trying to do my work, my gut ached. It was pissing me off so much.

"Something bad is going to happen," I whispered.

"Hey, Kida! What's wrong? You look down in the dumps," One of my friends remarked.

"It's nothing. I just don't feel good today." I mumbled, picking at the food in my lunch tray with my fork and digging holes through the lunch tray.

The cloud of despair seemed to carry over me as I went outside when the bell rang.

I dialed Saki's number.

For some reason, it got a busy signal.

I tried again.

For some reason, Saki was not answering.

As I lay in my room, that day, I was growing more agitated about why she wouldn't answer and my mind was starting to piece together the answers for me.

Then the phone rang.

It was an unfamiliar ringtone.

I answered.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"Ah, so this is Masaomi Kida! You're younger than I thought!" The voice that came purring over the other end made me start to shudder and shake.

"Izumii Ran?" I whispered.

"Ah, you've heard of me? I'm honored, but we've got a very special guest here waiting for you. Who do you think we have with us today?"

"Masaomi!"

Oh god.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.

Why.

Why.

Why.

My thoughts spun around in a frantic frenzy, I could not think straight, before I finally managed to blurt out, "Saki?"

"Well, your little girlfriend's gonna get it if you don't give up, kid."

I was frozen. I couldn't figure out what to say or even do.

He continued on. "Every time you keep dawdling, we're gonna continue breaking a bone in her body. Starting with her little legs. One...two...three!"

I heard a crack and then I heard Saki scream.

It was the most awful thing I'd ever heard, worse than my former mom screaming over me dying.

I dropped the phone.

"I'm waiting, kid," He taunted.

"I'll be there!" I snarled.

"Oh, that's good, maybe we can have fun torturing you as well." Izumii added.

He hung up, laughing in my ears.

How could I have been so careless?

Oh well, some things in fate could not be changed.

I slammed my fist into the wall.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I cried.

I knew I needed to get my ass in gear...but I couldn't move.

I immediately kicked the phone and stared at the wall.

I was still shaking.

I was still afraid of that man.

"Get up," I whispered, but my legs were stapled to the floor.

I couldn't move.

* * *

I dialed Izaya's number but he didn't pick up.

What was I expecting?

Things had to play out like canon.

Maybe Izaya felt guilty about it in some way.

Frowning, I stood up.

I was going to march out there and get Saki.

But what was I to do?

I was a mere fourteen-year-old kid.

Let's be realistic here: I couldn't do much.

The most I could do was bite them.

I went down the street, but I was still reluctant.

On the one hand, I wanted to save Saki, but on the other hand, I didn't want to repeat canon.

What do I do?

It's literally all up to me.

It was so tempting to give up.

It wasn't until later that night that I received a call from Izaya saying that Saki was in the hospital.

I asked him flat-out why he hadn't answered.

"Masaomi-kun, I'm sorry. It was my fault."

My mouth flew open.

Jesus Christ, had I altered Izaya and turned him into Psyche?

What the hell kind of world was this?

"I shouldn't have put you through that."

Or was he manipulating me?

This felt too good to be true, too convenient.

"Izaya," I muttered.

"I'm sorry, Masaomi-kun, I need to go." He said, "I need to see her."

Before I knew it, the phone went off.

"Izaya!" I snapped.

When did Izaya care so much about Saki-then it hit me, Izaya had raised her where her parents would not, so of course he would care about her a little bit in that cold heart of his.

Even though he used her, it didn't mean he didn't care for her.

"Masaomi, is something wrong?" Mikado asked the morning after.

"There was an accident, and I couldn't save someone I cared about. I let them get hurt."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault." Mikado said.

Why oh why are you so nice, Mikado?

"I'm in a gang." I typed back.

"What?"

"Yeah," I said. "I didn't want to tell you before, but I'm like in a gang and I'm like the...l-leader?"

"Why would you do that, Masaomi? That sounds really immature! It's kinda cool, I could see you as one!"

"Well, it's a really stupid mistake..." I trailed off.

I felt like being honest would make or break things.

When I visited Saki at the hospital, I felt both relieved and saddened by the sight.

I wasn't in love with Saki, but I had enjoyed my time with her.

"Izaya," I said.

"Good to see you, Masaomi, I'm surprised you came. I always thought you'd be running away."

"Always have to have the upper hand, don't you?" I snarled.

"This is both of our faults. I was stupid to think she could handle it on her own."

"Izaya," I said.

"Well, Masaomi, hit me. I deserve it."

Whoa, what the fuck was happening here?

"I'm not hitting you."

"Hit me. I deserve it."

So then I hit him.

"That feels better. You know, when Shinra does stupid things, Celty hits him. I figured it was about time I did something like that."

"Izaya, you're acting human and it's scary." I said.

"I am a human." Izaya said.

But then he came closer to me. "I am very curious as to what it is about you that has changed, Masaomi-kun. Your maturity has grown over the past week, at a rate that is unrealistic for a fourteen-year-old? What happened to make you this way? Or is it really Masaomi-kun I see in front of me?"

I paused, looking up at him in confusion. "What are you talking about? I'm still me."

"Ah, ah, ah, Masaomi, no dodging the questions. You used to be a flighty, spacey, naive kid. Now you're suddenly snarkier, smarter and more mature. That doesn't just happen overnight. I want answers, Masaomi-kun." He said.

I saw what he wanted.

"I had a near death experience."

He laughed. "Hm, that's what I thought. Maybe Saki's accident has opened up a more mature side of you."

"What are you talking about? I'm still gonna flirt with chicks."

Izaya facepalmed. "This is why I worry."

"Izaya, you're not my dad." I snapped.

I turned back to where she was.

The fact that she was injured broke my heart.

But I'd already changed history, a little.

Could I do my best to make things better?

* * *

 _Cold steel was pointed straight at my face._

 _"Masaomi, you never told me you were a gang leader! You lied!"_

 _"You didn't tell me you were in the Dollars!"_

 _Pain shot through my leg._

 _He'd shot me._

 _"I wonder what's in the other world," Mikado said as he pointed the gun at his head._

 _"Mikado, no!" I cried._

 _"Goodbye, Masaomi!" He said._

 _A gunshot rang out, and then..._

 _"Your being cheerful does not help this world any." The dark-haired girl from before spoke._

 _I followed her, pushing my blond bangs back. "Who are you?"_

 _"I am the one who allowed you to be in this world."_

 _"Haven't I always been here?" I said in confusion, before frowning. No, that wasn't right._

 _"Oh, so you're losing your memory that fast."_

 _"Yeah." I said._

 _"Things are going way too easy for you so far. Things are gonna change."_

 _"I know that!" I snapped._

 _I still looked like Kida._

 _"What did I tell you? Your soul is changing to match your body."_

 _"All right."_

 _"Remember, you cannot change all of fate. Izaya is still a bad guy, regardless of how good he seems right now."_

 _"I know." I said._

I awoke covered in sweat.

"Dammit, is there nothing I can do?" I remarked.


	5. Chapter 5 No one wants to be beaten

**A/N: KUDOS TO KAGEROU PROJECT FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO TORMENT OCS EVEN FURTHER! Yes, that is my current fixation, along with Earthbound and Undertale. So, DarkDust27, I apologize. Now we move onto the story, with Masaomi losing yet more of his memories. He's not losing them so much as the unnecessary ones are being lost or locked away inside his mind (like in a box with a key) up until he needs to remember them. Right now, little things of his are being locked away. Not his past life in its entirety, just things he doesn't need to remember to help him in his new life. Far too many writers have their OCs just languish in their past lives.**

 **Let me make a clarification. He's not losing his memories completely, look above for the explanation. Right now, he has too much unnecessary stuff to think about. And plus, I always considered their extra memories to be "cheating" or rather, Bernkastel is just a cruel bitch and this is her twisted game she's playing with him.**

 **I've become addicted to Kagerou Project and I like seeing OCs suffer. So shoutouts to the snek ocs on tumblr to inspire me to continue torturing masaomi. Not like the first time I've tortured Kida. Glances over at Alibaba.**

 **Oh, shut up, muse, you're not supposed to speak right now.**

 **Heh heh, Alibaba said some angry language. He's not used to being ignored.**

 **He remembers most of it.**

 **Bernkastel is just trying to help him fit in the world-you're a human being and you're not capable of fixing everything. And also, I don't want this OC to be perfect. Kida's my favorite because he's so human.**

 **We all know how much Izaya likes doing a Face Heel Turn. Whether or not he's entered a kinder world is beyond my knowledge.**

 **Since the OC and the Masaomi that already existed are becoming one, their thoughts, feelings and memories are beginning to mesh. This is a more unique idea than the others I have written.**

 **Enough with the rant and on to the chapter.**

* * *

" _Life has a way of going in circles. Ideally, it would be a straight path forward––we'd always know where we were going, we'd always be able to move on and leave everything else behind. There would be nothing but the present and the future. Instead, we always find ourselves where we started. When we try to move ahead, we end up taking a step back. We carry everything with us, the weight exhausting us until we want to collapse and give up._

 _We forget things we try to remember. We remember things we'd rather forget. The most frightening thing about memory is that it leaves no choice. It has mastered an incomprehensible art of forgetting. It erases, it smudges, it fills in blank spaces with details that don't exist._

 _But however we remember it––or choose to remember it––the past is the foundation that holds our lives in place. Without its support, we'd have nothing for guidance. We spend so much time focused on what lies ahead, when what has fallen behind is just as important. What defines us isn't where we're going, but where we've been. Although there are places and people we will never see again, and although we move on and let them go, they remain a part of who we are._

 _There are things that will never change, things we will carry along with us always. But as we venture into the murky future, we_ must find our strength by learning to leave things behind."

― Brigid Gorry-Hines

Chapter 5 Blank Slate

* * *

The days seemed to pass by in a haze after that.

After what?

You know.

After...Saki's accident, the one that I couldn't prevent, the one that I could not stop, even if I tried...because some things can't be changed. That was one of them. That didn't mean that it didn't suck.

That didn't mean that I didn't stop shooting Izaya death glares.

But it really did puzzle me sometimes...when I was sitting there in class, listening to the Japanese of my classmates and then trying to think on my past life and then being startled by how much of my past life I was not remembering or just couldn't remember.

I remembered the basic details, like what my name had been, and my siblings, and my goals in life. But more personal details, like things in the real world, my friends, my dreams...were what I couldn't remember.

It was...not so much of a big loss at first, because I was so engulfed in the world around me that I didn't really think about it at first. I had no time to think about the past, I was all too ready to move forward, too busy moving around.

Ikebukuro does really offer you the chance to move around and do a lot of stuff.

Of course, after the whole gang fiasco, I kinda severed my ties with them and went my own way. I knew I'd have to return later on for plot reasons, but for now I could just be...an unimportant character? Probably not an option.

Wait a second...I paused in my thoughts as I walked. Why was I referring to myself as a character? I was pretty sure that I wasn't some non-existent person right here, so why was I calling myself fake?

I frowned, I had to stop pretending that my life here was not real, because it is.

If there was one thing that had changed, it was that _I have changed since the incident._

I find myself struggling to fill in gaps in my memory, and my dreams become more and more confusing and vague.

I sighed as I sat at my desk, throwing rubber bands at the girl next to me in an attempt to get her to notice me. "You're so cute, you were struck at first sight!"

She rolled her eyes and looked away.

Ah...score zero.

If only Izaya were here, he'd write "Kida sucks" in big letters.

I found myself looking at my classmates, who all looked equally bored.

School was okay, I guess.

The only thing that really annoyed me was how persistent the Yellow Scarves were.

* * *

"Shogun! Come back!"

"I'm not coming back! You guys are more persistent than Jehovah's Witnesses!" I snapped.

When they cast confused stares at me, I just sighed. "They're a bunch of religious people over in the United States. They come to people's doors."

"You talk like you've been to the US, Shogun." One pointed out.

I looked at them, my eyebrows raised.

"No." I lied.

 _'Not in this life, anyway.'_

"What's it like there?"

"It's the same as any other place." I said snarkily.

"Shogun, please come back!"

"You have my number, you know how to contact me," I said casually, walking away. Yeah, we still hung out and played video games and such, but our gang days, as far as I was concerned, were over.

I was done with it for now.

* * *

I stood outside the hospital.

It would just be so easy to go in and say hi to Saki, but even in my past life I had never been good at beating around the bush and trying to speak to people about things...so I was...nervous, but nonetheless I took a few steps forward toward the hospital, then-

"Go all the way in there, Kida."

Oh, it was...Kadota, right?

 _Holy shit, he's huge_ , was the only thing I thought as I looked up at him before I flushed. _'Dirty mind, Masaomi, dirty mind!'_

"Are you going in to see her?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said.

"You haven't seen her since the incident."

"I _know_. I'm aware of that, thank you very much."

"So what's your excuse as to why you didn't do it?" He pressed.

"I was afraid...and an idiot, but I'm not gonna do that again." I said.

Kadota remained in shocked silence for a few moments.

"That's...kinda what _I_ was going to say. You're more mature than I thought you would be, Kida. I heard you quit."

"Yeah." I said, content on giving him one word answers for now.

"Why?"

"It's not the life for me. I wanna be normal."

What did I want to do, that was the question?

Without the gang life, I was just an ordinary kid, minus the memories of another life thing.

"My name's Kyohei Kadota, if you need anything, here's my number. And your girlfriend is gonna be really happy to see that you're coming to visit her."

He shot me an approving stare and a thumbs up as I walked in.

"Um, I'm here to see Saki Mikajima."

"Oh, good," The nurse said, "She's been wanting to see you. She hasn't had many visitors aside from the man in the fur coat."

That could only be one person...Izaya.

I didn't know quite how to feel about him.

To be honest, he was acting different from how he'd been in the show.

Still, I steeled myself and walked in.

* * *

"Um, hey, Saki." I said.

"You _actually_ came," She whispered, and there were tears in her eyes.

Shit.

Now when I was female, I hadn't realized this...being male now means that females are **one hundred percent** more confusing than they used to be.

"Uh...I was an asshole."

"Yep."

"And you deserve a better boyfriend."

"Yep."

"And like Izaya said, you should hit me."

"But I'm _not_ gonna hit you," She said, "I love you."

"But that's why you should hit me!" I said.

"But I'm not," She said, "You told me a flaw is something you can fix, right? So you can fix that, can't you?"

Uhh...I was kinda speechless.

"You're blushing, Masaomi."

'Play it cool, play it cool, dammit, when did girls get so weird? Was I this weird as a girl?'

Oh no, wait...I had been confined in bed most of my life from asthma, so it was no wonder I sympathized with Saki, knowing what it was like to look out the window, watch life roll by and never get involved in it.

"It just stinks that you can't go out and do what you used to."

"Yes...I'd rather be walking. Being in bed all the time is no fun."

"I uh, have a story to tell." I said as I collapsed in a chair beside her bed, remembering what the creepy girl before had said about not revealing who I used to be.

"There was a story I was reading...about a girl, and when she was very little, she was diagnosed with cancer, her parents were told that she wouldn't survive. She was only six at the time. So the parents kept on hoping and hoping, and doing many things for her. To their amazement, she managed to live far beyond the doctor's statements and she is still living today. She is now a teenager, living, alive and happy. Despite what they said."

Saki was enraptured, so I continued on.

"She persevered, despite all the chemo therapies and surgeries she had to go through, she also got to appreciate life more and become more mature. It was an interesting article. It made me think about what I want to do with my life, and while I wanna flirt with girls, I wanna do something more than just be in gangs. Something...fulfilling-"

"Oh, Masaomi, you're acting like you're an adult. You're only fourteen, you have your whole life ahead of you." She giggled.

"I just thought it sounded cool! Was it cool?" I said.

"It was cool, but also very dorky. But that's what I like about you, Mr. Casanova."

"I struck a rubber band at a girl and hit them with my best shot."

"Did they say fire away?" She said, referencing a popular 80s' American pop song.

"I'm not sure," I said, "I don't listen to 80s music much."

It was three or four in the afternoon, so I hung out with Saki, and then I went home and fell asleep early, around quarter to nine, because I was worn out.

I was just plain freaking tired and my brain longed for rest.

That was when I dreamed about it.

* * *

 _I was looking around, looking out the windows. "Mommy, Daddy, where are we going?" I cried._

 _They didn't answer._

 _They were too busy chattering, talking and laughing._

 _"Ikebukuro's a great place, Kida," Mommy said, "You're gonna have a bunch of new friends and a bunch of new people."_

 _"I miss my old friends!" I sniveled._

 _"Don't worry, you'll be with others."_

 _I knew that sometimes Mommy and Daddy could be away for long hours, but surely they loved me, didn't they?_

 _The car stopped._

 _Was this near our house?_

 _I looked out._

 _It was not our house, it was some odd, tall building I'd never seen before._

 _"Dad, Mom, why are we here?" I asked._

 _They didn't answer._

 _They opened their car doors, and then Mom pulled me out, by my hand, put my bag of my clothings and possessions and some snacks into my hands, and then she put me on the curb._

 _"Mom!" I cried, "Where are you going?"_

 _ **"Farewell,** sweetie," She said, but there was a cruel smirk on her face. "We don't need you."_

 _"Mom!" I cried out._

 _But she was already getting back in the car, and she slammed the door shut._

 _Dad waved goodbye, but he looked like he didn't want to say goodbye, like he was doing this reluctantly, but the wicked smirk she sent me indicated that I wasn't needed anymore. I heaved my book bag onto my back with my possessions, stuffed animals and lunch, and ran after their car, but soon lost them._

 _They were speeding, and then they were gone._

 _Now what do I do?_

 _Mom and Dad had abandoned me, here in Ikebukuro, a big city I knew of nothing...and then..._

 _"What do you want, kid?"_

 _The voice belonged to a man with spiky black hair and red eyes. He wore a funny coat._

 _"Mom and Dad threw me out on the side of the street and then took off." I said, shaking._

 _A look of disgust crossed his face. "Really, some parents you've got, kid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to attend to."_

 _"Please, I need a place to stay. I have no home now!" I begged._

 _"I'm not a charity case, and besides I deal with dangerous stuff! I just need someone to look after me, that's all." I said._

 _He looked at me. "What's your name? I'm Izaya Orihara, an informant."_

 _"I'm Masaomi Kida." I sniveled._

 _"Age ten, right?"_

 _"But now that we're no longer strangers, I'll take you in. But you'll have to do chores for me. First, however, I think we should call your negligent parents and let them know how shitty they are."_

 _Izaya-san did a great job of making my parents send me money, thanks to that nice man with the suit named Shiki, who made them some sort of deal._

 _Not that they really knew who I was with, or where I was._

 _Izaya made sure to change my last name to Kida, because it was not my original name._

 _"Is this necessary?" I asked, as Izaya was putting hair dye in my hair._

 _"It's to protect you," He said simply, "If they see you, they won't recognize you as being their kid. They're looking for a brunette, you have blond hair now."_

 _"Okay, thanks, Izaya onii-san!" I said._

 _"Please don't call me that," He muttered._

 _And it was true-I walked right by them and they didn't recognize me._

 _I of course called Mikado's parents and let them know the situation and started chatting with Mikado regularly, too._

 _"So they're never coming back?" I asked._

 _"Nope, I've officially adopted you, kid. You're safe." Izaya responded._

 _Suddenly, there was a brown-haired man who entered the door._

 _"Who's this? Izaya, have you kidnapped someone?"_

 _"I'm Masaomi, Izaya's younger brother!" I chirped._

 _"Oh..." Shinra said._

 _I dreamed I was in pain._

 _Something burning, growing inside me...and then hospital IVs were stuck in my arm...and I died._

 _The blue-haired girl was near me again. "Do you remember me, Masaomi Kida?"_

 _"Um...you're that crazy lady, Bernkastel!" I said._

 _"You know what happened?"_

 _"I was sent here...and my memories are being sealed away."_

 _"Not destroyed, but sealed away. The memories that you do need to recall continue to be there for you."_

 _"Like Word files?" I joked._

 _"Something like that." She said. "Anyhow, I have been watching you. You are a very interesting individual. Make sure you remember, because forgetting is the worst thing imaginable."_

 _"Like what?" I asked._

 _"Your old life."_

 _"Oh, yeah, that," I said, watching her swirl the contents of a golden shard showing a girl with brown hair laughing happily. "I've found a lot here that I like."_

 _"Oh, there'll be hardship ahead." She said._

* * *

Then before I knew it, I was awake, sitting up on my bed, looking down at my body and flushing.

Oh god.

One of those issues that guys have, erections.

I frowned in annoyance.

I scratched my blond hair for a few moments, yawning and looking out the window at the bright sunrise.

"Let's get this party on the road," I muttered, "But first, a couple more minutes of sleep would be nice."

I flopped down on the bed, only to be awoken again by the alarm clock (which I was sure a certain sneaky informant had set up to wake me up, damn him.)

"I can't get no respect around here," I muttered.*

*Rodney Dangerfield reference*

*I don't own Hit me with your best shot.*


	6. Chapter 6 carry on shogun

**A/N: Yesterday, my profile erased stuff I tried to add to it. XD Nothing more irritating than that. Seriously, I wanted to update my character list and it logged me out! Has anyone else had this glitch happen to them lately?**

 **Detective Conan has taken over my fanfics. This chapter is** _ **dripping**_ **with Conan references.**

 **College has started. I can come back home and work on my fanfics for the rest of the day.**

 **I apologize if I've been slowwww. I was thrown out of a class I liked because I already had the credits for it. Everyone was so nice so I'm mad about that still. My psychologist is also a Trump supporter and a total racist, so there's that, too. Gahhh, help me.**

 **Oh, and also, "Masaomi" and the OC are separate people in their dreams, because the original Kida is still here. They are becoming one, I just thought it might be fun to show life from his point of view for a little bit.**

 **Anyway, let's move on to the next chapter of this story! It should be fun.**

" **Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be."**

― **Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game** **, quotes on identity.**

 **"Here is the life you have tried to throw away. Here is your second chance. Here is the destiny you have tried to shake off by inventing a hundred false roles, a hundred false identities for yourself. It will look at first like disaster, but is really good fortune in disguise, since fate too knows how to follow your evasions through a hundred forms of its own. Now you will become at last the one you intended to be." -David Malouf**

 **Chapter 6 Carry on Our Wayward Shogun, there won't be peace in Ikebukuro (if ever)**

* * *

 _I dreamed that I was somewhere odd._

 _I opened my eyes and slowly, but surely, I sat up._

 _Blinking in confusion, I realized this wasn't my bedroom._

 _Where was this?_

 _"Hey, this isn't a funny joke," I called out._

 _Then I noticed a woman appear in the doorway._

 _"Marisa, have you done your homework?"_

 _I turned to look, then saw a girl with brown hair, sitting on her bed, typing away on a computer. She was ignoring the older woman, who I assumed was her mother._

 _"Marisa, are you paying attention?" She repeated._

 _"Yeah, I am," She said._

 _"Your grade in English is dropping. It used to be a B and now it's a D. Have you been texting too much?"_

 _The girl flinched. "But mom, you know I've been diagnosed with cancer."_

 _"That's not an excuse, you will do what you're supposed to do and bring that grade up!"_

 _"Mom, it's not fair, why are you making me go to school when I have this disease? It's not right!" She snapped._

 _'At least you have a mother,' I thought, tightening this fists. Seriously, who the heck did this girl think she was? She had everything she could ever want._

 _"Oh, is that so, Marisa? Well then, you will not leave this room until your homework is finished."_

 _I watched the girl as she sat on her bed, doing her work now, though reluctantly._

 _"Hey, was that your mom?" I asked casually, but she didn't even notice me. "Hey!" I said, poking her._

 _She looked around and then she saw me and her eyes widened._

 _"No way...Masaomi Kida?" She said._

 _"You know my name?" I said, raising an eyebrow._

 _She looked at me before laughing. "Of course I know your name. You're my favorite character!"_

 _"Character? What do you mean?" I pressed, running a hand through my blond hair._

 _"Marisa, are you talking to someone?" The voice of who I assumed to be her mom said._

 _Marisa, apparently, said, "It's nothing, Mom," before turning back to me. "Are you really forgetting? About our bond...?"_

 _"Bond? What are you talking about?"_

 _"You know, we're one and the same. We're the same person."_

 _"N-No way, I'm not a chick!" I snapped. "That's...weird!"_

 _She laughed. "You used to be, but you don't remember. Your mind is pushing those memories away, but we need to become one."_

 _"So you're saying you'll sleep with me?" I said._

 _"I'm not sleeping with myself."_

 _"You're really starting to creep me out here." I said. This chick had a few screws loose. I wanted to get out of here._

 _She grabbed ahold of my arm. "Please, please don't forget about me or your old life. You're forgetting and that's not good. This isn't good, how much do you remember?"_

 _"Vaguely, that in a past life I was a girl, that my name started with an M...and that's about it. But I don't really care."_

 _"You should care!"_

 _"Yeah, well, forgive me for saying so, but you seem like a spoiled brat." I said in annoyance. "How can someone like you be me?"_

 _"Because I am you," She replied, "The you of the past. It sounds hard to believe, but I am you. I am like your yin."_

 _"Right, so I have a chick living in my mind?" I said sarcastically. Damn, this was one hell of a weird dream._

 _"When I died, my soul was ejected into your body. Then, we started becoming one, so that's why you've been forgetting. But you need to remember more, so you don't make the same mistakes."_

 _I blinked, processing this. "This sounds like the beginning of a bad joke."_

 _"It's not," She said, "See, why is it that only I can touch you? It's because I am a mere memory."_

 _"Why would this happen to me?" I asked._

 _"It's not your fault. How many people even remember what they did a few days ago? Time is a fleeting thing. That's why they forget."_

 _"Please wait. How did you die?" I asked._

 _"Cancer." She replied impatiently._

 _"Where at?"_

 _"In my brain."_

 _My heart dropped in my throat. "I'm sorry, that must suck."_

 _"It did. Masaomi, you're a very good person even if you're me."_

 _"I'm very confused. There's a hot chick standing before me and then she claims that she's me. This would make me Narcissus, right?" I said, scratching my nose._

 _She frowned. "I wouldn't put it like that."_

 _"This is just too weird." I said._

 _"So why don't I show you around?" She said, extending her hand out to me._

 _I saw a girl crying after being rejected by her boyfriend, then a dark-haired girl embracing her._

 _For some reason, my eyes were wet._

 _"I don't understand what it's like to have a sibling, so why am I crying?" I asked._

 _"You remember..." She said, "That's good."_

 _"This is just getting creepy." I said with a shudder._

 _"All of this is real, Masaomi."_

 _"Ugh, make my life less complicated."_

 _Suddenly, the girl who was holding my hand started to fade away._

 _"Hey, where are you going?" I cried._

 _"You haven't accepted me, nor have you denied me-"_

 _"DAMN IT, QUIT SPEAKING IN SUCH A VAGUE WAY!" I growled._

 _"Some of your memories are being sealed away. The person who sent me here is not quite good or bad. She didn't want you getting overwhelmed."_

 _Okay, now I'm royally confused._

 _"Should I let anyone know? About this weird shit?" I asked._

 _"No, she told us that we cannot let anyone know, otherwise..."_

 _"What will happen?" I asked._

 _"Otherwise, we will die. Not that you might die. But things will get very bad for you."_

 _"Uh, you're a weird person." I muttered. Why are girls so damned confusing?_

 _"You are insulting yourself, you know."_

 _"Whatever, can I please just wake up now?" I asked._

 _"Oh, sure," She said._

* * *

Then, the next thing I knew, I was wide awake, sitting up on my futon.

"That was a bizarre dream." I muttered, "I dreamed I was once a chick. I mean, I know it's true, but it's still weird."

I had dreamed about myself being totally separate from myself, which is awkward as hell.

It was then that I noticed that it was merely two o'clock in the morning.

"Eh, I need to get back to sleep anyway." I mumbled. "Hopefully, I'll have less bizarre dreams!"

Then I dreamed I was in that movie about the kid who is the pilot who flies into the Zone of Danger, or something, and the kid cries over his friend dying.

Only it was me and that person was Mikado I was holding.

Suddenly, Mikado turned into a goose, very odd dream indeed.*

Then this was the point where I realized these dreams are utterly pointless.

I awoke again.

It was now seven-thirty in the morning.

Well, it was the weekend, so I supposed I might as well get up and eat some food.

I'd remembered seeing in the dream the girl had shown me that she'd had a growth on her head.

It was starting to become such a vague memory, though, that I really couldn't feel any attachment to the dreams anymore. They were just too strange.

I jumped off my bed in an attempt to look cool, but then I fell over instead. "Ow, Masaomi, you should know better than to do stupid things like that!"

That morning, I received a call from Izaya, telling me to come see him about my nightmares. Apparently, Saki had told him about them.

I sighed and looked at the phone and then back at my hands. What was I to do?

The oddest thing about all this was that I'd screamed about having a dick. But hadn't I always had one? I was a dude, after all. Oh well, does that make me genderfluid or somesuch?

This whole thing about the alter egos reminds me a lot of that show with the detective kid who is actually a teen.

* * *

As I walked down the street, I noticed that there weren't any gangsters around. This was what it was like to be forgettable, to not be noticed.

It was kind of terrifying.

Suddenly, I spotted the Black Rider.

"What do you want?" I asked.

She looked at me before holding out a device that resembled an Iphone. "You're not afraid of me?"

"No." I said.

 _"I've seen you around Izaya. Is it true that you work for him?_ "

"Yeah, what's wrong with Izaya?" I asked.

 _"He's a bad person. Doesn't that bother you?"_

"Not in the slightest. Izaya's not a bad person." I said.

 _"My name is Celty Sturluson. I'm a transporter. So if you have anything you want anyone to carry anywhere, I'm the person to ask._ " Celty typed.

"I'm Kida Masaomi." I said with a smile.

Then I was off to Izaya's, to watch a certain show we all liked.

"I know who the true culprit is!" A little boy said, while speaking into a bowtie, "It was you, Hachiko-san!"

"Eh? You must be joking!" Everyone screamed.

"Ah, no, I'll explain all of this to you."

The little boy proceeded to explain all of the crime until the young woman broke down, crying and was led away.

"How come she doesn't realize that's her boyfriend?" Izaya asked, "The odds of two people looking alike is ridiculous."

"Shhh, Iza-nii, I wanna hear what Shinichi has to say!" Mairu chirped.

"Quiet." Kururi said.

Izaya facepalmed.

"Yeah, let's hear the rest of the episode." I said.

"Don't let Ran worry about me, Hattori. I swear I'll come back."

"This is like episode 700 something, right? They can't go on making too much of this-"

"SHH!" All three of us said.

Izaya sighed. "Why am I being suckered into watching anime?"

"Because you're our older brother and you do as we say." Mairu chirped.

"Else Iza-nii's secrets...revealed." Kururi said.

I grinned. "It's not that bad of a show."

The look he shot us told him he wanted this to be over with as soon as possible.

Too bad Izaya's not in charge of the remote right now.


	7. Chapter 7 Life is beautiful

**A/N: Okay, now we will see what Masaomi was doing before he fell asleep and the Oc woke up in his body! :D I bet you guys were all curious to see, hm? Well, I've had a shit ton of plunnies and inspiration for this story, so here goes nothing.**

 **Also, we will have a little flip to third person all of a sudden for Izaya's thoughts on Kida. He's not stupid, he's noticed how Kida's been changing and it's bothered him. Izaya actually cares about Kida here. And halfway through, back to Kida's POV for Mikado finally arriving in town and the main plot kicking off!**

" **We can be connected and related in many ways. But what makes us more relate than our blood or DNA is our hearts and feelings. The heart and feelings form true and strong bond between people and it makes them related. Thats why sometimes you feel like some people are part of you, or part of the family. Even if they were not born by your parents. Its because of your heart and feelings you have for those people."**

― **De philosopher DJ Kyos**

* * *

 **Chapter 7 The Golden Enigma known as Masaomi Kida**

The teenage boy smiled as he typed on his laptop to his best friend, Mikado Ryuugamine, as a smile creased his face. His yellow scarf hung on the open closet door. It happened to be the weekend, so the boy had finished his homework and was typing away to his best friend.

The boy's dyed blond bangs fell in his face, as his golden eyes sparkled with amusement, as he laughed at a joke that his friend, Mikado, had sent.

" _So, Masaomi, how was your homework?_ " Mikado wrote.

"Easy-peasy!" Kida typed back, stifling a yawn.

He felt very tired. The odd thing was was that the young boy was feeling all the stress of being a gang leader coming down on him lately, but for some reason, he'd had some awfully strange dreams lately. He'd dreamt of Mikado becoming a bad person, an odd house he'd never seen before and other things.

It puzzled and confused the young boy, which is why when his head felt a little dizzy, he knew it was time to get off the computer. Figuring it was nothing but a mere headache, he took a swig of his soda he had lying on the desk he was sitting on, which his bed happened to be right next to.

His apartment was relatively small. It was one that Izaya had given him. There was a tiny bathroom with a working shower right next to his bedroom-he practically had to walk into it from the side of his room and he would be there, in which of course all his basic toiletries were kept, such as his toothbrush.

His bedroom was a plain, non-distinct one, with white ceilings (as much as Kida hated the color, he couldn't get it painted as he didn't own this place, much to his chagrin. He'd much rather paint it a bright shade of yellow, like his hair.) He'd put in a nice blue carpet to tone down the whiteness of the room a bit.

In the center of it was his futon, which was like any other Japanese bed, a small bed with two pillows on it, some blankets and his homework, spread out on the bed messily like usual. Next to his bed was his desk, where he currently was stationed right now, with his laptop on it and his phone tucked away in his pocket.

Right below that was his ipod, and there were some old CDs tucked away on his shelf. On another shelf, he had a bunch of old DVDs and video games tucked away, a typical sight to be found in a young teen's room.

He usually saved playing games for when he went over to Izaya's house, as Izaya was loaded and had many video game consoles that his little sisters played. Masaomi had no room for one.

He did, however, have a Nintendo DS lying around, but it was old and barely worked, so he normally just stuck to online games.

On his dresser, he had a picture of himself and Saki, and a picture of a younger him with Mikado.

His backpack lay on the side of his futon. Most of his assignments were tucked away into the bag for two days from now-Monday, when he would go back to class. Some comic books lay by his bedside, along with some erotica.

Izaya's little sisters had given him the material, giggling about it. The young boy had never really seen much of it before, but hey, he was a dude. He was very curious about how to attract girls. He was nearly fourteen, he wanted to learn how to do it.

By far the most unused part of his room had to be the part that had some dusty old books and some manga. He wasn't really a prolific reader like Izaya or Mikado and preferred to stick to reading magazines.

It wasn't that Masaomi _disliked_ reading, it was that he didn't have the patience for it. He was much more interested in things like you know, video games and comics, because they moved fast and he could track them. A lot of boys his age were typically like that.

He also had a very tiny hallway linking the two, and he had a tiny kitchen, with a tiny TV and some cushions you could lie on. Just the typical tatami mat he could lie on.

All in all, it was a small house, but he didn't mind, because Izaya paid the rent as long as Kida did well in school. He had to suppress a laugh at the memory of his parents, being such selfish assholes, abandoning him.

"I'm tired, Mikado, I might just pass out," He typed.

" _What are you talking about, Masaomi_?" Mikado wrote back.

"I'll be just fine, Mikado." Masaomi chirped, "You really think I'm stupid?"

 _"You're just acting weird."_ Mikado wrote.

Frowning in confusion, Kida scratched his head.

"Okay, Mikado, sorry, gtg and ttyl!"

"Masaomi!"

But Masaomi had already come out of his chair before pushing it in a little, figuring he would just take a short nap, before settling in bed and continuing to text Mikado on his phone until he fell asleep.

It didn't take long for the blond boy to fall asleep.

The next time Kida woke, he found himself in a very odd situation: someone else was in his mind with him, it was very freaky. For some reason, some person had died and now they were sharing his body with him. It was really creepy.

Memories of things that weren't his infiltrated his life, which he didn't like. At first, he was determined to have this person out of his mind as soon as possible. So he'd started arguing with the person, who was a girl, but it turned out she had a fiery will of her own, so eventually he'd just grown to accept her eccentric ways.

For the most part, he noticed that their personalities were starting to merge and that she seemed to be less aware of her past. He wondered why that was, but decided not to ask. They mostly talked in his dreams and stuff, just not in his subconscious, because that would be freaking weird.

"How did you die, anyway?" He asked her one day.

And then he'd had a horrible dream about being hooked up to a bed and dying. He'd awoken to find that he was, oddly enough, crying. "Damn you, you toyed with my feels!"

She'd just folded her arms and then smirked.

Oh, well, weird alter ego or not, Kida Masaomi was used to such things.

* * *

 _(Izaya's POV, then it switches back to Kida's POV, first person, for the rest of the thing)_

Izaya Orihara was a very smart and brilliant person.

If there was one person he knew better than any other, it was Kida Masaomi-kun, leader of the Yellow Scarves and the "boyfriend" of Saki Mikajima.

He could recall a time when Kida had wound up on his doorstep, crying about his parents abandoning him. He'd been a little brunette then, golden eyes filled with unshed tears. The sight broke Izaya's heart. After all, even if he was a heartless informant, who could do that to a kid?

So he'd helped the kid and Kida Masaomi had become part of his life.

Kida had not been his original last name, but he'd managed to change it, for his protection.

All he knew was that the parents were trying to kidnap him for ransom money. However, with Kida's hair dyed and his speech changing, and getting his ears pierced to make him look like an adult, gradually there were no more calls.

Gradually, Kida became his little brother to him and brothers protected each other. That's what brothers did, right? Izaya cared for Kida, just as Kida did for Izaya, and even if he did want to use the kid, he couldn't help but remember the good times.

Even if Kururi and Mairu didn't get along well with Masaomi, they knew about his situation and on days when he was busy, he had Shinra look after Masaomi, who called him a "blond ball of energy" after the boy had hidden in every place imaginable until Celty's shadows had captured him and brought him back.

Shinra had asked him how on earth he could deal with someone like that and Izaya had replied back saying that Shinra's glasses made him look scary. Shinra, of course, had been offended by how much Kida was laughing at that remark.

Nonetheless, Shinra had proven to become an eccentric father figure in his life, though Masaomi liked Celty more than Shinra.

Saki treated him like her little brother and Kida had started flirting with her.

The main problem Izaya had with this was that he was thirteen, nearly fourteen, and she was fifteen. A romantic relationship with a boy who was still a pre-teen would just not work out.

The only problem was was that Kida did not know how to stop flirting.

Izaya's attempts to ward him off usually failed.

As was typical of the young boy, he spent too much time thinking about girls rather than anything else.

He was thirteen, after all.

Puberty had hit him after all.

He'd sworn he'd discovered a porn magazine in Kida's room. He needed to have a talk with him about that.

Izaya sighed, positioning himself more in his chair.

He had to frown, though.

Because, for the past two years, ever since Kida-kun had turned fifteen, he had suddenly experienced a radical shift in personality. It was very, very strange. One day, he'd been trying to call Kida to see if he was awake and he hadn't answered.

The next thing he knew, Kida had turned up at his door, sweaty, tired, worn out and irritated.

When the blond kid glanced up at him, there was none of the familiarity in his eyes. Instead, there was a slight bit of fear.

Kida had done nothing but wince and jump during the course of their conversation, like he suspected that Izaya would use him in something.

Now he knew Kida wasn't that bright of a kid. He was usually daydreaming, thinking about girls to flirt with, or about his gangs, so the moment Kida talked from that day on, Izaya got the feeling that he was looking at a stranger, not the Masaomi that he knew.

He was still the same Kida-same voice, same body posture, but his facial expressions couldn't be more different. He looked like he'd seen death, utterly nervous and afraid of Izaya and Izaya had no idea why, and that bothered him!

He'd thought for sure that he'd built a trusting relationship with the kid and here he was, acting all jumpy around him, like he'd done when he was only eight! Then Kida-kun had started getting philosophical, discussing death! When did Kida-kun worry about that, most of the time he was too busy worrying over what girl he'd get with?

Kida-kun was not really the philosophical type. Then to his horror, he'd found him actually _studying and reading._ Kida-kun was mostly lazy and would play video games.

His personality had done a 180 overnight, whereas the Kida-kun he knew was a bit scatter-brained and very cheerful. This Kida was quiet and shy and still talked, but kept to himself and preferred to read and be quiet.

Was there such a thing as male PMS, he'd thought? He'd waited to see if the symptoms would abate. They did not.

Instead, Izaya had marked it as nothing and thought maybe Kida had discovered he liked reading. Sure enough, he'd seen Kida with his books. He wondered what had gotten him interested.

The thing was, however, was that the look in Kida-kun's eyes was suddenly that of an adult's, not a teenager's, like he wasn't a kid at all, which scared him, as normally, Kida did not have that look on his face.

It was rare that he ever saw that look on his face.

He was thirteen, he was supposed to be innocent-wait, that could only come from associating with people like him, right? Izaya sighed.

Then there was Kida-kun saying that he wouldn't punch him. What had happened to the Kida that jumped at the opportunity to punch him given the chance? Why wasn't he glaring at him? Why was he looking at him like he understood him?

It really frustrated the informant.

Masaomi-kun's radical change in behavior and personality bothered him.

A change in personality after the Saki incident, he could understand. Kida had been quite upset and torn up over it. But he had changed even before that.

Oh, he had no proof.

But he believed that somehow, Masaomi had wised up and decided to take his studies seriously, or that the Masaomi he was with now was someone else.

As time went on, however, he saw those odd traits of Masaomi's disappear.

Sure, Masaomi continued to read, but then he'd started to revert back to talking about girls and act all confused when Izaya asked him about philosophy. It was something that Izaya just didn't understand.

This _wasn't_ normal puberty.

 _Nothing about this was normal._

You don't just change overnight.

Yet that was what had happened, seemingly.

He sighed.

He wanted to get answers out of the boy sooner or later.

He frowned as his phone rang and he picked it up.

The number said, "Kida Masaomi".

On the one hand, he didn't want to pry, but on the other hand, it was his job to pry as he was an informant. This was just another day for him and Masaomi was just a pawn, right?

He answered.

* * *

Masaomi's POV

For a while, I've been thinking that Izaya suspects me.

A sharp mind like his can't miss anything.

But like telling him things like that...he's the least savory guy in this whole series.

He's the last guy you want to trust with such information.

But if he's cornering me, what am I to do?

Engage him head on?

Probably not. Right...

So, that's why I took the initiative.

Whenever the phone rang, I picked it up and I answered.

"Hello? You've reached the great Masaomi Kida, lover of a thousand ladies-"

"Masaomi-kun, I'm not a girl, there's no need for you to flirt with me."

"Oh, hi, Izaya! Is there any reason at all you'd call?"

"Just to check on you." He says, sounding impatient. "I want to know something. Give me some information. I need to know something. You're hiding something, aren't you, Masaomi-kun?"

"Ha, I wouldn't hide anything from you, Izaya-san!" I yelped.

"Masaomi, that's the voice you use when you are hiding things."

Damn, Izaya's sharp.

I cursed under my breath.

"I take it by your foul language that I am right."

"Damn you," I growled.

"So, am I to assume that Mikado-kun is on his way to Ikebukuro and you're going to go pick him up?"

Well, I knew he knew that.

"You probably look through my emails, don't you?" I snarled.

"Come now, who did you think I was, some politician from another country?" He snarked. "Probably not."

"Soooo...what do you really want?"

"The question is, it's all about you, Masaomi-kun."

My eyes widened. Ohhhhh.

He thought something was up.

"Masaomi-kun, you know that conversation we had the day that Saki was hospitalized?"

"What conversation?"

"Oh, don't play dumb, Masaomi-kun. You know, the one where I asked you how it was-well, never mind. Let's do it in person."

"Yes, let's."

So as I headed to Izaya's, I cringed.

As I sat there, he looked over at me, with an encouraging yet (fake, fake, fake smile). Izaya enjoyed doing this more than I did.

"Masaomi-kun, I hate to call you out on such short notice," He said, stirring his tea, "Like I said before, two years ago, when you can remember...if you remember, that is. I mean, if you are really as stupid as you make yourself seem on the chats."

"Hey!"

"See, the thing is, Kida-kun, I remember you as a very, very, cheery, happy-go-lucky, naive and not too bright kid. I mean, you were smart, yes, but not a genius. Not like myself. You weren't really interested in reading, you'd rather be trying to pick up girls, and you'd rather be looking at comic books. So imagine my surprise when I started looking at all of your grades and I noticed that they've gone up over the past two years. Not by very much, but instead of you being an average thirteen year old, suddenly, you seemed like a genius. Suddenly you became an expert on philosophy."

I was sweating.

"Suddenly your language skills became a heck of a lot better. Suddenly, it seemed like I was talking to an adult more than a child. I considered the possibility that you were a genius and hadn't realized it, but that was absurd, because if that were so, I should have noticed it by now. On that day in the hospital, you told me you'd fallen asleep and that you'd had a near death experience and that would make you much smarter. But I find that theory to be horseshit."

 _My mouth was wide open and I could not say anything._

"So, would you mind sharing with me the truth behind your sudden intelligence, Masaomi-kun? How is it you can suddenly go from Ds in English to a sudden A? How can you suddenly became a studious individual when you ordinarily, hm...wing it?" Izaya pressed on. "It's not like you can take a pill and become smarter overnight."

He stopped. "The Masaomi Kida-kun I knew was a bright-witted but very, very dim thinker. So mind telling me how on earth that can change?" He said, looking at me intently.

"Uh...I've been reading a lot of books?"

"Nice answer, but not quite the right answer. I'll wait." He said.

"Uh..."

"You've been caught off guard, haven't you?" He purred.

"Yeah..." I said, sounding very eloquent here.

"All right, so mind telling me the answer? Why are you so smart now?"

"I grew up!" I said.

"In just over _two_ years, Kida-kun?"

"Puberty did its work!"

"Masaomi-kun at this age, teenagers are **really** stupid. There are some smart teenagers, but at this age, the majority of them are very dull. So the odds of you being a genius teen when you never showed any signs of it in your childhood are very slim."

Shit.

ShitShitShitShitShitShit.

"So is it possible that you have a split personality? That's the only thing I can think of that would explain how you can be a kind of bright but mostly normal kid and then suddenly a genius that's also philosophical and also well-worded? Last I checked, you were not autistic. I have secretly put you through a list of psychiatric disorders and you didn't test positive for any of them. But maybe DID is on the list?"

"Uh...um..."

"There's something you want to say, right? Curse words."

"No...?" I said shakily.

That made his eyes widen.

"Once again, you're only proving my point. You are Masaomi Kida, but once again, you're not. _Who_ are you?"

"I'm Masaomi Kida! This sounds ridiculous, Izaya, what are you trying to say?"

"Maybe there's more than one of you inside that mind. You have personality disorder. It's not that uncommon of a disorder, Kida-kun. There are plenty of smart people who have it. But the one thing they know is that their personalities change and they're not aware of it. So one thing they know is one persona takes over and the other persona won't be aware of a thing."

Oh, so from Izaya's perspective, that made a heck of a lot of sense. Certainly made more sense than oh, I'm a person of the opposite sex who got turned into a guy and sent from another world.

"Uh, as it turns out, it's a combo of that and I have...memories of another life and like, uh, they, uh, influence my personality now?"

"Masaomi-kun, most of that is hokum, how do I know you're telling the truth?" He asked.

"Uh, because how else-"

"I'm gonna go with the split persona thing. Sounds much more believable." Izaya concluded.

"Wait, how is it you can believe in Celty-san being a dullahan but not reincarnation?"

"Masaomi-kun, many people have seen her without a head, myself included. Reincarnation mostly consists of secondhand information and wishful thinking. It's not true."

Somewhere, I swore I heard Bernkastel laughing her ass off.

Oh well.

Better for Izaya to think I'm crazy than actually know it.

"Oh and Kida-kun, do make sure to introduce me to Mikado-kun."

"Oh, I know, you've been chatting with him online all the time-" I put a hand over my mouth. Shit, why did I say that?

"Masaomi-kun, can you hack into things? How would you know that?" Izaya asked, looking very suspicious.

"Your sisters told me your username information!" I confessed.

"Oh...they did, did they? I'll have to change my username, then, if they've been sneaking onto the chats." He said with a sigh. "You can leave now, Masaomi-kun."

* * *

Later that day, I tried to go find the train station...and got lost.

I have a horrible sense of direction. It doesn't help that this city is freaking huge.

I finally managed to find the train station and got there just in time to see a certain black-haired kid stumbling out of the train and apologizing endlessly to everyone.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry-"

Poor Mikado, realizing the world is full of assholes.

"E-E-Excuse meeeeee!"

"E-excuse me, I just need to get through!"

 **"Excuse me!"**

The poor kid was jostled around and pushed by the other adults.

"I want to go home," I heard him whine, was he holding back tears?

Yep, that was definitely Mikado.

In another universe, he might be going crazy. Not in this one, I swore I'd put a stop to that.

"Mikadoooo."

"I guess Kida-kun didn't really show up."

"Mikadooooooo."

"I'm hallucinating."

"Mikado!" I yelled, flicking his forehead.

He blinked. "M-Masaomi? Is that you?"

"I'll give you three choices. One, Masaomi Kida. Two, Masaomi Kida, or three, Masaomi flipping Kida."

"It is you...that's the same shitty humor." Mikado sighed.

"You've killed me and I just came to get you!" I cried, falling to my knees. "I'm dying..."

"Kida-kun, get up." Mikado said, "I hope I haven't wounded your pride too much, Mr. Casanova."

"IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU STRIKE ME DOWN, I'LL RISE BACK UP! LIKE A SUPER SAIYAN!"

"Uh...yeah, is it just me or are you weirder than before?" He remarked. "And why'd you dye your hair?"

"Because it looks awesome that way and you know it. Also, are you still a virgin?"

"MASAOMI KIDA!" His scream could be heard all the way down the street of Ikebukuro.

"Just teasing!" I said.

"Y-You're still the same." He muttered, his cheeks flushed.

"Always!"


	8. Chapter 8 golden innocence

A/N: Now we get to see Mikado's thoughts on Kida and how he's changed over the years. It's pretty cool getting to see Mikado finally arrive and how Kida!OC has changed and yet not changed. I loved writing Izaya confronting Kida. Btw, some reviews would be appreciated. I updated and for some reason people kinda sorta forgot about this story's existence and didn't leave any reviews. Please leave reviews, it helps keep the muse going!

 _"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle, source_ .

Chapter 8 Mikado's musings

* * *

Mikado Ryuugamine couldn't help but stare at his best friend and childhood pal as he was walking beside him down the noisy streets of Ikebukuro. Masaomi was chattering away like usual, never shutting up for one single second, informing him about all the women he'd flirted with, what his homework was like, the video games he'd played recently, typical boy stuff.

His best friend hadn't changed too much, aside from the overly cheerful nature that seemed like a disguise. Was he doing okay with his gang, Mikado wondered? Could that be causing him stress? He didn't know how to put it, but ever since...ever since a while back, Kida-kun had been... _different._

He didn't know how to say it in exact words without sounding stupid or crazy, but Kida had just been different in his personality and interests. One day, Kida-kun had been texting him when he'd mysteriously gone offline for a bit and gone to sleep, or so he said.

When he had come back from his nap, Kida-kun's speech and texting had become different for a bit and then he'd admitted he was kidding around with Mikado, but Mikado had to wonder. Was it possible for his friend to be someone else?

No, he was being delusional. This was his best friend, odd behavior or not. That stuff didn't happen like in the movies, there were no aliens coming down to earth to snatch people and replace them with aliens.

"Mikadooooo!"

Mikado jumped. Masaomi was inches away from his face, waving his hand at him.

"Mikado, what are you thinking about that has you making such a dopey expression?" Kida said, imitating Mikado's face.

"Hey, Masaomi! I was just...thinking about how different you've been over the past couple years."

The blond teen jumped slightly. "Aha, I've matured into a fine young man-"

"Masaomi, I'm serious. Are you really all right? You don't seem to remember some of our conversations we've had. Like the one where you claimed you weren't you..." Mikado trailed off.

Kida just blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Are you crazy, Mikado? I'm no one but me."

"But-"

Kida then pulled out his jaw. "Are you the real Mikado Ryuugamine?"

"I-I am, now puhleez put my jaw bahk in place-" Mikado stammered.

"All righty!" Kida said cheerily.

"Ow, Kida, that hurt." Mikado muttered.

"So you are Mikado?"

"Yes," Mikado said in annoyance, "Are you my best friend Masaomi Kida?"

"Of course I am! Who else would I be, Mikado? Is this some sort of dream you had?" He asked, looking at him with genuine confusion written on his face.

What was going on? Mikado remembered it, clear as day, yet Kida seemed to _not_ remember it. Was his friend going senile?

"You know, you claimed you weren't you, but someone else, and then you asked for my photo-"

"Mikado, that's crazy talk. I must've forgotten about it, I was probably pranking you or something." Kida stifled a nervous laugh, but from the way his golden eyes were shining, it was obvious that he was lying about something.

"Masaomi, are you truly all right? You're not troubled, are you?"

"I'm...fine!" He chirped. "Are you fine, though? Hallucinating this stuff-"

"Never mind, it's nothing. You probably were joking, Kida."

"That's the spirit, Mikado! Now let's explore more of the wonders of Ikebukuro!" Kida pumped his fist in the air energetically, causing Mikado to sigh.

His friend was still the same, yet not. The air around him was different, more cautious, more guarded. Maybe Kida had a split personality. That could explain his different and odd behavior.

Then again, how long had he been away from his friend for? Several years.

That was enough to change a person's personality completely. So maybe he was overthinking things. Aliens weren't real and Kida-kun certainly was just Kida-kun, the same weird, daydreaming kid he'd always been.

Right? Right?

"Mikadooooo, quit spacing out on me."

A sharper jab to the forehead found Mikado nearly stumbling backwards, but his friend quickly caught his arm and pulled him to his feet.

"Mikado, where are you? Are you in reality?" Kida asked, looking at him with amused eyes.

"I'm here...weren't you ranting about girls?" He sighed.

"Typical of you, to tear my heart in two and not even bother to listen to my lectures! You'll remain alone for the rest of your life." He said, sighing.

"Not as long as you're there boring me to death." Mikado muttered.

* * *

"Hey, that's not true!" Kida pouted. "You'll be seeing plenty of great things here-"

Suddenly, Kida stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide.

"Kida-kun?" Mikado asked.

The blond was simply staring at...a hospital? He was simply staring, eyes wide.

"...Nothing but a dream. Nothing but a dream, right?" He whispered.

"Masaomi, what's wrong?" He asked, shaking the other.

"Oh, it's nothing. I just don't like hospitals." He said, waving his hand absently.

"Masaomi, that wasn't a normal reaction." Mikado pointed out.

The blond looked at him and bit his lip. "All right, hear me out. I'll confess. I've been having...memories of another life play out in my dreams and it drives me crazy."

"What? You don't seriously believe that-"

"I do," Kida said, looking at him with serious eyes, "Which is why I'm investigating to find out the truth! That's all for my new book I'm writing!"

"Oh...you write, Kida-kun? I didn't know that." Mikado muttered, looking at him in surprise. "I never pictured you as the nerd type."

"It's a secret! If it gets out in school that I'm a nerd, I'll be ruinedddd!" He whined.

Same old Kida-kun.

* * *

Masaomi's POV

"You know you can never tell any of them the truth completely." Bernkastel whispered.

"I know," I whispered. These vanishing memories of mine made it harder for me to discern what was real and what wasn't. I was Masaomi, then I wasn't. I was Marisa, then I wasn't.

"Fate is cruel. But you've been given a second chance, under certain precepts. They are, one, that you never disclose where you are actually from or who you used to be. Your very existence here is a contradiction and must remain mum."

"But I want to be honest-"

"Honesty won't get you far. You nearly pushed it there. Two, you must not change the plot line too much. You cannot change everything. Some things are destined to happen."

"Wait! What would happen if I did tell them the truth?"

She turned to look at me. "That's simple. I'd resort to the only way to keep you here, which is to erase all of your memories of your other life, so this world recognizes you as Kida Masaomi. It's cruel but it would work." She said softly.

"That's-"

"I said before, Masaomi, that you are merely a pawn, and this is merely a game I am playing. I am not a kind being. Shouldn't you know as much how this game works from watching that anime?"

"Yeah...it just sucks. He's my friend and I want to trust in him!" I yelped.

"Is he your friend or Kida's friend? Think about that."

Then she disappeared.

* * *

"Masaomi! You've been standing there for a good five minutes! Are you all right?" Mikado asked.

"I'm fine! Just thinking about something. Shall we get going to my lovely apartment?"

I unlocked the door and then swung it open, "So what do you think of this palace?"

"I think it's okay.. _.ish_?"

"Okay! This is my palace...okay, yeah, it _sucks_." I said, flopping down on my bed. "Mikado can sleep on a sleeping bag for the night."

"I don't wanna sleep on the floor." He whined.

"We can flip a coin." I said.

He grinned. "Tails, you have to sleep on the floor."

"Hey, this is my house!" I snapped.

"You snooze, you lose, Masaomi. By the way, do you have any ramen?"

"Over there, in the cabinet." I said, watching him cook some ramen as I browsed the internet on my phone.

Would everything stay the same or would Mikado go down the same dark path he was "fated" to go down?

That night, as he lay asleep on the sleeping bag he was in, I looked down at his figure. "I swear, I won't let you fall down that path."

The image of a bloodied Mikado entered my mind and I shook it off. "I'm not gonna let that happen to him. Not ever."

Then I flopped over on my bed, closed my eyes, and fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9 Fading memories

A/N: Geez, I've had so many projects, I've been unable to concentrate on my stories! Oh well, here's the next chapter of this story, in which we take a closer look at some more of Masaomi's past as a girl. That sounded weird typing out, I know.

 _"All our lives we are engaged in preserving our experiences and keeping them fresh by artificially sprinkling the water of memory over them. They have ceased to retain their original smell and fragrance. Do you call it life— this effort at the preservation of a phantom freshness in something that is withered and gone?_ _"_ _~Vimala Thakar_

 _"Memory is not an instrument for surveying the past but it is theater. It is the medium of past experience, just as the earth is the medium in which dead cities lie buried. He who seeks to approach his own buried past must conduct himself like a man digging. ~Walter Benjamin, from_

Chapter 9: Fading Memories and chaotic school days!

* * *

 _Where was I?_

 _I was surrounded by darkness._

 _I could not move, even if I wanted to._

 _I was surrounded on all sides, by unending darkness, that bound me down. I couldn't move or speak._

 _It felt like there was something sticking in my arm._

 _My golden eyes flew open, in time for me to see strangers standing by my bedside, peering down at me. I couldn't move._

 _"How is her cancer progressing?" The doctor said._

 _I'm not a female, I screamed, but I couldn't speak._

 _Hold on a second. I suddenly moved._

 _I was in the corner of the room, watching what was going on._

 _It was that girl again. She was lying, unconscious, on a hospital bed while a bunch of people, probably her family, were fussing over her._

 _"Is Marisa all right?" A little girl with dark hair said, peering at her sister, I guessed, with anxious blue eyes._

 _"I think she'll be fine, sweetheart." The mother said, ruffling her hair._

 _I watched them with curious eyes, stepping closer. "What's wrong with her?" I asked._

 _But no one answered me._

 _"Hey!" I snapped, but my hands went right through them._

 _Was I dead or something?_

 _"Can anyone hear me?" I cried, but no one answered._

 _"I think she has a chance to beat this cancer." The doctor said, "However, we will have to do some difficult brain operations, so we hope you'll have some patience with us. Chemotherapy is quite difficult. Are you prepared for your daughter to suffer through this?"_

 _"She won't suffer," The older sister spoke up, "Marisa is really brave, she always fights for herself. She won't let something like cancer get her down."_

 _Then, the girl woke up in time to see her family there. I watched as she talked with them, and her voice was really raspy. Her hair looked like it was falling out._

 _"Am I going to go bald?" She whispered._

 _Her family nodded. "Yes, but it's all right, you'll live."_

 _Then I saw a different memory. The girl was holding her mother and siblings' hands but she was starting to die. My hand oddly enough, burned for some reason and I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes._

 _"Why am I crying? These are a stranger's memories..." I whispered, wiping tears away from my eyes._

 _Then, I saw her die, and I felt a sudden sadness well up in me, and then I saw...her waking up in my body and her panic._

I could recall my own memories of that day if I thought about it.

 _"What the hell?" I muttered. I wasn't in control of my body, someone else was manipulating it._

 _I freaked out. "Hey, get out of my body!"_

 _The girl before me stared at me in confusion before she looked in the mirror and saw my face. "Why am I here?" She muttered, falling to her knees._

 _"Hey, I need answers! What are you doing in my body? This belongs to me!" I snapped._

 _"I don't know..." She muttered, "One second I died, and then I'm here." She said, starting to cry. "I want my family..."_

 _I knelt down beside her. "Hey, it's okay...I don't know what happened to you, but I'm here, I guess. Are you unable to go anywhere else?"_

 _She nodded sadly._

 _"Then...I guess I'll let you live in this body, as long as you don't do anything too weird." I muttered, pouting._

 _She smiled and shook my hand._

 _I hardly saw much of her these days._

 _Marisa, I mean. She seemed to be a shadow of her former self._

 _I was confused, but who wouldn't be?_

 _Oh, well, I just wanted to live my life._

 _However, then I found myself thrown into another memory._

 _I looked up, in time to see a group of girls headed toward Marisa, who was right beside me._

 _"Hey, gasper, do you need this?" They held out her inhaler._

 _"Give me that!" She protested, but they held it above her reach and threw it back and forth._

 _That angered me. I hated bullies._

 _"Oops, you're gonna have to say please." They taunted._

 _I cleared my throat. "I'm afraid you're gonna have to give that back to her."_

 _They turned to face me. "Who the hell are you? Don't you see that she's a freak?" The leader, a snooty blond said._

 _"The only freaks I see here are pathetic bullies who feel the need to bully others to make themselves feel better. In other words, you. Now kindly give her back her inhaler and we won't have a problem." I said cheerfully._

 _"Why, you-" She snapped, but I stepped closer._

 _"I can easily report you to the principal, now please step off and let her go." I said menacingly, shooting them my best death glare._

 _They ran off._

 _"Thank you," She whispered._

 _I turned to face her. "Hey, it's no problem. Bullies are lame."_

 _We shook hands again._

* * *

I awoke the next morning, bright and early, to sunlight peeking in through the windows.

"Gahh, that sun's too bright!" I complained, as I sat up, yawning and stretching.

My gaze went to rest on Mikado, who was fast asleep.

"Mikado, time to wake up!" I cried, shaking him.

"Masaomi...five more minutes." He mumbled.

"Mikado, we're gonna be late." I muttered.

"What?!" He exclaimed, shooting up. "Masaomi, it's only five thirty. School doesn't start until eight. Go to bed."

"Sure," I muttered, rolling back over and letting myself drop back into a dreamless sleep until my alarm went off and both of us awoke at once.

"Must your alarm be so loud?" Mikado muttered, hands over his ears as I turned the annoying thing off.

"Who knows why?" I grumbled, getting up and getting dressed.

* * *

Well, here we were, in our first day of class.

I fidgeted anxiously in my seat, waiting for our names to be called.

I would come first. Kida came before Ryuugamine, after all.

I watched as the rest of my classmates got their speeches, then they were on the Js. Then someone with "Kamichika", and "Kenshiro", and then...was it my turn now?

"Kida Masaomi-kun, tell the class about yourself."

Oh.

I looked up. "Sorry I spaced out!" I laughed and stood up, grinning mischievously.

"Oh no," I heard Mikado mumble behind me.

"I'm Masaomi Kida, age fifteen! I like comic books, video games, and flirting with women! I'm a romantic casanova who loves all women, so all the cute, and sexy girls in this class can come to me and give me their phone numbers! I'm open to as many women as possible! And also, Mikado here is single, so anyone who wants him can have him!" I chirped.

"That's enough, Mr. Kida, now sit down." The teacher sighed.

I snickered and sat back down.

Then Mikado was called.

"Um, I'm M-Mikado Ryuugamine. Don't mind him, he's just a big flirt and he jokes too much. I like ramen, the internet, and being on my phone." He muttered, his face flushing.

Aw, Mikado was so cute when he was embarrassed.

Then Anri did her introduction.

I certainly didn't want to get attacked by her sword, but she was still worth befriending.

At the end of class, Mikado glared at me.

"Masaomi, why'd you do that?"

"Do what? Introduce you to the class so girls know who to go for? Sorry not sorry, Mikado. You need to get laid."

"MASAOMI!" He yelped, his face bright red. "Seriously, what's she gonna think?" He glanced over at Anri, who was looking in our direction.

"She notices you already, man, you're lucky." I said, nudging him.

"Masaomi, it's all your fault, now she'll think I'm a loser." He muttered.

I patted his head.

"Masaomi, not here!" He whined.

"Aw, poor Mikado, he's so unlucky with women. Not to worry, I the great Masaomi will give you all the skills you need to know!" I yelped.

"Masaomi..." He muttered.

He got up and walked over to where Anri was.

"Um, would you like to join us for lunch?" He mumbled.

"Um..." She said, chewing on her lip.

Both of them were muttering "ums" and "uhs." This was painful to watch.

I had to intervene.

"Come on and join us! We could use some more company!" I chirped, coming in front of Mikado, who shot me a death glare. Clearly, he didn't like having been interrupted.

"Um...you probably don't want me-"

"Of course I do! Any girl is lovely in my eyes! Besides, Mikado wants you here, right?"

"U-Uh...okay." She muttered, her face bright red. It was an adorable sight.

Our lunch was an awkward affair and consisted of both Anri and Mikado being eerily silent, staring at each other before turning away.

I did most of the talking, though I doubt they were paying attention to around ninety percent of it, just nodding to be polite.

"Mikado," I said, "What do you think of the pick up lines I've given you?"

"I think they suck," He muttered.

"AHHH, THAT WOUNDS ME!" I cried, crashing to the ground.

"Quit your theatrics, Masaomi."

I twitched. "You've killed me."

"Good." He muttered.

"IGNORING ME MAKES ME STRONGER, YOU KNOW!" I chirped, popping back up and tackling him to the ground.

"Masaomi..." He muttered, his face bright red.

"You two seem like you're pretty close," Anri remarked.

"We're childhood friends," Mikado explained while I nodded eagerly.

"Oh," She muttered, "I thought you two were-"

"Oh no, we're not gay. I'm straight." I said.

"Somehow, I doubt that." Mikado muttered.

"MIKADO, THAT'S LOW!" I yelped, stumbling backwards. "I come here and guide you around and this is how you reward me!?"

"Just ignore him. Pretend he's not here."

"Mikadooooo."

"What?"

"I won!" I chirped.

He sighed. "I can't ignore you, Masaomi, you know that."

* * *

"So what do you want to do next?" I asked him as we were outside getting ready to head into the main city.

"I think we should go to the video game place!" He chirped.

"That sounds nice." I said, but then as we walked, I ran into two familiar people-Erika and Walker. Oh god, no. They were nice, but Erika kept trying to inculcate me into yaoi manga. Thank god Kadota stopped them most of the time.

"Masaomi, are you gonna read yaoi?" She asked.

"Haha, not today." I said, "This is my friend, Mikado Ryuugamine."

He bowed, looking nervous.


	10. Chapter 10 Alter egos

**A/N: Kida's mind is split into two different sections, one part of him is our OC and heroine, who is slowly losing awareness of herself and she has fully accepted being Kida, Kida, however, has not fully accepted her as being him, which leads to some chaotic mental rifts inside his mind, which lead the outside world and Izaya specifically, to interpret it as something akin to Dissociative Personality Disorder. I don't specifically know anyone with this disorder, so I'm basing it off what I know from my rapid cycling of mood changes of being bipolar and my imagination.**

 **Now, he doesn't actually have it, but Izaya thinks he does and it's more logical for him to believe he has a disorder rather than actually believe in "impossible" things like reincarnation. This, and it also puts an interesting twist on the whole "OC replaces main character" schtick-most of the time, OC just replaces the lead character. Not so in this one, in this one, Kida still exists and is not happy with this set of events. Think about it, would you like someone else invading your mind, your memories, and your body?**

 **Probably not.**

 **"In the end, I'm realizing, I was never meant to fight on my own."-Ashes Remain**

 **Chapter 10 I don't want to be alone anymore**

* * *

Izaya frowned as he sat in his office, his thoughts still on the odd and ever-changing behavior of the young boy known as Kida Masaomi. The boy still puzzled him to this day. He found his constant mood swings odd, and at first, he'd regarded it as a possible diagnosis of manic-depressive disorder, or better known as, bipolar disorder.

However, when he'd secretly tested the youth on it, disguising the test, he had come out perfectly normal. He'd tried others, such as borderline personality disorder, autism, etc, and he'd come out normal. However, when he'd tried googling up symptoms of Disassociative Personality Disorder, or DID, he'd been floored by how much the symptoms matched Kida's odd behaviors.

The symptoms were depression (he could recall a time where Kida had suddenly panicked over still being alive and talking about death, his preoccupation with death certainly fit the signs), mood swings, which he definitely fit, lack of sleep (he'd noticed Kida wasn't sleeping and complained of nightmares), anxiety attacks, he could recall a time the fourteen-year-old had come to his door in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and utterly terrified that someone was in his mind and was going to kill him.

He feared for the young boy and pitied him, having a disorder like this was such a troublesome and difficult disorder to understand. People would misjudge him as some sort of violent freak when Kida was the opposite. Kida was a kid who just had a rough life and now he was diagnosed with something like this. He almost didn't want to break the news to the kid.

As he came to notice the signs, he'd noticed that when Kida "switched" personalities, his face would become more emotionless, he'd start reading stuff and start talking in a more deadpan tone and less like a child, more like an adult. On top of that, the "alter" seemed to have a sadistic sense of humor, often toying with Masaomi's sanity.

Izaya didn't like the alter very much. He (why did his mind insist that the alter was female? He had no clue, maybe it was the posture, Masaomi's posture even _resembled_ a female's when this... _alter_ took over.) He was losing it.

Masaomi-kun definitely wasn't transgender, he'd shown no signs of discomfort with his body from a young age and puberty had come and gone, and even though he showed some minor dysphoria and complained a little bit, adolescents tended to complain.

He still couldn't help but shiver as he recalled the way the alter would just stare him down emotionlessly. As if it/he/she, (he was going to settle on he, since unless the alter told him their identity, that's what he was going with), knew everything about him. It didn't seem intimidated by him, either.

Izaya hated the way the alter toyed with Kida's sanity. He wished it would just go away and leave Masaomi-kun alone, he'd come to care about the boy, dammit, and if this alter wasn't helping him, then it had to leave, before it drove Kida over the edge.

Unfortunately, the alter didn't seem _willing_ to leave. That was the problem.

* * *

 _"Masaomi-kun, I was a little worried about you because you wouldn't answer your phone when I called you multiple times. Are you all right?"_

 _"Yeah...I'm fine." His eyes darted back and forth._

 _"Kida, are you all right?" He asked._

 _"I'm just fine." He pressed. As he sat down, he looked up at Izaya._

 _"Izaya..."_

 _Then his expression changed._

 _"_ _ **What is it like to die, I wonder?"**_

 _"Masaomi-kun?" Izaya asked, a little confused at the blond's strange behavior._

 _The blond just looked up at him with empty eyes. "I wonder what it's like to die, to lose everything, to never be able to see anyone again, to smile, to laugh, to think about anything. What's that like, Izaya? What do you do if you die? Do you come back? Do you keep on living? I wonder that sometimes."_

 _His way of speaking, his flat tone, none of this sounded like the Masaomi he knew, it was scaring Izaya. He hated to admit it, but he was scared of a child._

 _"Masaomi, are you sick?" He said, shaking him._

 _"I'm just saying..." He muttered, "Humans have always wondered about death, is it possible there's another life after this one?"_

 _He turned to look up at him. "I've always wanted to see what it's like...to die." He was_ _ **smiling.**_

 _Just like that, Izaya slapped the teen in the face._

 _Then he looked up at him. "Uh, Izaya? What happened?"_

 _"Masaomi, you started talking about death all of a sudden, and your face got weird."_

 _"You're kidding, right?" He said, "No way in heck I'd talk about that!"_

 _By the way he was laughing, he was clearly nervous about something._

 _Because to be quite honest, Kida-kun was not suicidal. He was a cheery, vivacious kid who lived his life to the fullest. It was the last thing he'd ever think of._

 _"Masaomi-kun, do you have depression?" He asked the boy._

 _The boy looked at him like he was nuts. "I-I don't get what you're talking about, Izaya, have you lost your mind or something?"_

 _"A few seconds ago, you started discussing death and how you wanted to die." Izaya said._

 _"I really don't know what you mean."_

 _"Masaomi-kun, have you ever undergone any psychiatric tests?"_

 _The kid just looked at him, totally confused._

 _"Am I losing my mind?" He muttered._

 _"You could just be sick, and it could be a fever." Izaya said, more to himself, "I'll take you to the doctor."_

 _Roughly a week after he'd taken Kida to the hospital, the strange "alter" appeared again._

 _He'd found Kida reading his books. More importantly, his philosophy book, a pretty advanced book._

 _"Kida-kun, do you like reading now?"_

 _"Uh-huh." He said absently._

 _"Is this the part where your other personality pops up again?" Izaya joked._

 _"Sigmund Freud's interesting, isn't he?"_

 _Once again, that same, emotionless tone._

 _He turned to look at Kida._

 _His eyes were wide, he looked scared or unnerved by something._

 _He glanced at his hands, then back at Izaya. "I feel like a corpse...like I should be dead, and yet I'm alive!" He cried, shaking. "Why am I here? I should be dead!"_

 _"Masaomi-kun!" He said, shaking him._

 _Masaomi looked at him, his eyes filled with a wild fear he'd never seen him have before. "Why am I still alive?" He muttered._

 _Izaya could only stare, open-mouthed. "Kida-kun, whatever joke this is, I'm getting tired of it. You're here, you're alive, deal with it."_

 _To his disbelief, the teen buried his head in his lap and started sobbing, leaving a bewildered Izaya simply staring at the teen. Maybe he was losing his mind._

 _Then he'd discovered the thing called DID._

 _There were millions of people with it. Men, women, children, people of all ages. Though it was a relatively uncommon diagnosis, enough people had it that he could find videos on it._

 _There was a woman being interviewed about one of her alters, an old man who was a World War I survivor named Walter, when suddenly, her expression changed and she started talking like an old man, her voice even sounded deeper._

 _"Were you in the war, Walter?"_

 _"Yes," Came a gravelly voice._

 _"Tell me how your friends died."_

 _"They died from the gas. Then the trenches-we hid in the trenches, and those damned idiots...they perished. I woke to their bodies over mine. They died shielding me. I won an award for being in that cursed war. Then there was another war, but at that point, I was done. I didn't want any part of any more godforsaken wars. I went to work in an office and though it was boring work, it was much better than looking down the barrel of a gun."_

 _The voice, the expressions, every part of this woman looked and sounded like a man now._

 _A tear cascaded down the woman's cheek._

 _"I miss them, dammit. I miss all them bastards."_

 _Then, the woman had come back to herself, confused as to what had happened._

 _Izaya's eyes widened. From the change in expression to the endless confusion, it all fit Masaomi-kun's diagnosis. When he put him through an online test, the results he got were sobering. When he compared Masaomi-kun from several years ago, he got a 5% chance of having it._

 _Now, when he was fourteen bloody years old, that chance had skyrocketed up to nearly 50%._

 _Izaya dropped his fatty tuna on the floor, staring at the screen in shock. He'd just assumed Kida was making this all up, but the evidence clearly pointed to Kida-kun having this disorder._

 _It also said that people tended to have this happen when they were approaching adolescence, like with schizophrenia. His fists tightened._

 _This wasn't fair for Kida. He was just a kid, dammit. Now he had to deal with a disorder this isolating and misunderstood. People were going to call him a "freak" or "insane" or "psycho," and worse. He might get beaten up, hurt. What happened if Kida's "alter" took over and made him hurt someone?_

 _Kida was still Kida, disorder or not. He was just saddened that the boy was diagnosed with something like this._

 _Past lives were garbage. He refused to believe that, it must be something having to do with this alter of his._

* * *

 _"Won't you leave Masaomi-kun alone?" He asked the alter, who tilted his head._

 _"I'm afraid I can't do that."_

 _"Why not? You're hurting Masaomi-kun very much and bothering him."_

 _"I can't, I'm part of him now." He shrugged._

 _"I don't like how you break him down. Stop it."_

 _The alter rolled his eyes. "Like I'm saying, I can't leave him. I'm part of him, like I said. If you would just listen to what I'm trying to say. I don't want to hurt him, I'm just here. Deal with it."_

 _"He is a dear person to me, please leave him alone."_

 _"What if I say no?" The alter said, grinning._

 _Then the alter disappeared._

 _"Izaya, what happened?" Kida asked, looking confused, "D-Did it show up again?"_

 _"Yes. They refuse to leave you."_

 _"Am I..am I insane? I have memories of things that aren't mine, of stuff that isn't me. It's terrifying."_

 _The boy shook, holding his hands against his body._

 _"Masaomi-kun, you fit the diagnosis of DID perfectly. It's an identity disorder."_

 _"Izaya, you can't be serious, I can't have something like this." He said, laughing._

 _"It's all right," Izaya said, hugging Masaomi. "There's nothing wrong with being mentally ill. You are who you are, and this alter will just have to learn to treat you nicely."_

 _"Thank you, Izaya," Kida sobbed. "I can't let Mikado know."_

 _Now that the kid was on medication, the alter came around less often. In fact, now that that Ryuugamine kid was around, he hadn't heard anything from the mysterious alter._

 _He wondered if the alter had a name idly, before dismissing it._

 _Izaya sighed. Should he tell Saki about it?_

 _He put the phone down._

 _It was Kida's decision to tell Saki._

 _He wasn't going to interfere._

 _To think he'd wanted to manipulate the kid, and now he'd started to care about him._

 _Fate was a lying son of a bitch, that's for sure._

* * *

Masaomi's POV

It feels like there are two parts of me now. There's me, Marisa. I've already accepted being Masaomi Kida, I can allow myself to believe that I've always been him. But the other half of me, the original Kida, is too scared to accept the truth.

Izaya thinks I'm mentally ill.

But the truth is, I'm starting to lose track of my old memories. I'm just only remembering Kida's.

"Hey," I said, going toward my other self, but he pushed me away.

"Go away! This is my body, not yours!"

"I was thrown here when I died. I can't help it." I explained, "And I didn't mean to scare you."

"Go away." He sniffed, looking defiant.

"I don't want to hurt you. The one who was being sadistic to you was someone else." I said, glaring at empty air.

Darned witch.

I put my arms around him and he just remained silent.

"Look, I didn't wanna be here, but I'm here now. We're one and the same and I'm gonna help you." I said.

"Whatever," He grumbled, but there was a small smile on his face.

Now how could I go about telling Mikado and Saki?


	11. Chapter 11 Fighting Destiny

**A/N: I really hate math. however, I have also come up with an alternate take on this series, so prepare to see a cute omake at the end with what it would be like if Marisa emerged as a ten-year old Kida instead of a thirteen year old, it's more cute and fluffy than the others, though a bit nsfw due to body part mentions. Anyhow, in this chapter, we're gonna see Kida question the laws of his reality and more or less break through some of Bernkastel's rules while doing so.**

 **Still though the cute Omake is so adorbs I might just write that part first and then go to the original.  
**

 **I switched perspectives an awful lot in this chapter, so let me explain: the first part is Masaomi by himself and then later it's Marisa/Masaomi talking. Their personalities are meshing. The omake is something entirely unrelated to the main story. If you want to see more of it, let me know in the reviews! There's a lot of dialogue here, so bear with me.**

 **Chapter 11 Challenging fate**

* * *

I was dreaming, and in the dream, I was dying.

Apparently.

Hurrah.

I didn't really know where I was.

I glanced around for a few moments, but I heard sobbing that caused me to whirl around.

It was Mikado.

"Mikado!" I cried, but for some reason, my hand went right through him.

Mikado was crying, again, and again, exclaiming, "Masaomi deserted me and the Dollars hate me! What should I do?"

"Mikado!" I cried, rushing toward him, trying to hug him, but for some reason, again, my hands went right through him.

"What the hell?" I cried.

How come Mikado couldn't interact with me?

What the heck?

Then, I saw Mikado plunge a pen through someone's hand and smile.

No, no, this isn't my Mikado!

No way would Mikado ever be like this!

Then Mikado pointed a gun at me...and he...he...I suddenly heard the gun go off, and suddenly my leg hurt. I screamed, I was immobile.

"Mikado..." I whimpered.

I couldn't breathe.

Mikado stared at me. "Masaomi, I really do love you. So let's meet in the next life." He said, before cocking the gun and pointing it at his head.

"Mikado, no!" I snapped.

I screamed out loud as my best friend pointed the gun at himself and pressed the trigger.

My best friend lay at my feet, dead.

"I'm so sorry, Masaomi." He said.

I looked over in time to see Izaya holding the gun.

"I'm sorry, Masaomi-kun, but it had to be done."

"Izaya, you bastard!" I growled. "I trusted you!"

"Crazy or not, Masaomi-kun, you did prove to be an interesting pawn. Unfortunately, it's time for you to go as well." He pulled the trigger.

I awoke in time to smack my head into something. It was the book I'd been reading before I'd gone to sleep.

Some sort of comic book, I thought drowsily as I rubbed my head and it fell off my bed onto the floor with a loud crash.

I glared at the sunlight coming into my room as I wiped my forehead and noticed I'd been sweating in my sleep.

"I hate dreams," I muttered, "I swear I won't let that happen to him, ever."

Thank goodness I hadn't actually gotten shot. It had all felt so real, though, that I was still terrified enough that my hands were still shaking as I thought about it.

"Is this supposed to be some vision of the future that you passed onto me?" I asked my other self, who shook her head.

"No, it's a vision of things that could come to be." She muttered.

"Quit giving me nightmares!" I snapped. I mean, I knew my other self was still around, but I didn't want her sending me those nightmares anymore.

"Try and keep him from going down that path, then." She suggested.

"How am I supposed to? Mikado does whatever the hell he wants." I yelled, "He's not someone you can easily convince out of doing something once he does it."

"You're his friend, aren't you?" She said, before morphing into Bernkastel.

"It was just my way of having fun." She said.

"Sadistic witch." I growled.

"You should be careful who you say that to." She advised.

"What?" I said in annoyance. "It's not like anyone but the two of us knows the truth, and even I don't completely remember it."

"All right, you were previously a girl-"

"Right."

"Up until you died from cancer."

"Right." I said sarcastically.

"And you were brought here, where you have lived as Masaomi ever since."

"Sure," I snapped.

"Where do you think your sudden fear of hospitals came from?" She inquired.

I flinched.

"See, I think you do remember, even if you're trying to not make yourself remember." She pointed out.

"Just shut up." I growled.

"You are Masaomi, you are combining with him, even if the other side of you refuses."

"You're talking nonsense." I growled.

"Am I talking nonsense, or are you just being stubborn and refusing to see the truth? Is it so easy for you to be comfortable in this life and then throw away the memories of your past life like they mean nothing?"

"Last I checked, that was your fault. You're the one who took away my memories and left me a desperate mess."

"There were prices that had to be paid, right?" She said, "After all, do you really think this life is like a fantasy, where you can take over someone's life and have no repercussions? Did you seriously think the original Kida would just disappear once you took over his life? He's still here and he's not happy."

"Then quit fucking with him and giving him nightmares, then. It's not fair to either of us." I snarled.

"Do you even _know_ who you are at this moment?" She said, pouring herself a cup of wine.

"Um, Masaomi?" I snarked.

"See, there's the problem. You don't remember who you are, therefore you're mixing up your identities."

"Oh, shut up," I growled, "You're just confusing me. I am Masaomi if I say I am, and that's enough."

"It saddens me that you would choose to live in fiction." She purred.

"You're the one who sent me here, so quit accusing me of running away from the past!" I snapped.

"True, you didn't pick this destiny. Remember, I can just as easily take it away from you. Therefore, you must come to terms with your identity. If you were any younger, I would've instantly suppressed your past life memories-as a younger Kida would not be able to withstand a shock like that. But I figured you'd be mature enough to handle it."

I just listened, staring at her with wide eyes.

"You must deal with it."

"So why didn't you make me forget?" I demanded.

"To allow you to settle in, but now that you are falsely believing yourself to be Masaomi-"

"Just let me live. It doesn't mean much to me anymore. I don't really care anymore. I'm happy, here. I can live without fear of cancer or any of that stuff."

"That much is true, however, have you ever thought about the consequences of you being here?" She aimed a loaded question at me.

"I have, now will you quit giving me nightmares?"

There was an amused smile on her face as she shook her head.

"Can't do everything." She said, flicking her forehead, and before I knew it, I was awake.

* * *

"Dammit...false awakening?" I growled. Clever witch.

It was quite bright outside when I looked outside the window.

I sighed as I rose out of bed and got ready to go meet Mikado somewhere.

The dream had completely faded into the back of my mind by then, that's how good I am at forgetting about things, hahahaha!

"Damn that girl, she gets so irritating with her stupid prophecies," I snarled.

I stuck my hands in my pockets and continued on walking.

"Masaomi, what's wrong?"

Oh, apparently I'd been spacing out. I jolted, looking at Mikado with wide eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked, again.

"I had a nightmare...a disturbing one. You shot me and then killed yourself."

"I swear that won't happen! I would never do anything to hurt you!"

"Even if it came to me getting in the way of your gang?" I said pointedly, "I mean, we are both in opposite gangs. Doesn't that make us enemies, in a sense?"

"Like hell I'll let that get in the way!" He snapped.

The intensity of his eyes caught me off guard.

"Mikado...you're serious?" I stammered.

"Of course! There's no way I'd let a stupid gang get in the way of our friendship, Kida-kun! Don't you think that for a second? You know I'd never do anything to you, and if I did, you have every right to beat me up afterwards!"

"I'm not going to beat you up, Mikado!" I said.

"I'm sure your dream doesn't mean anything, Kida-kun. If I do anything stupid, you have every right to hit me for it, make me pay."

"I refuse to beat up my friend." I said.

"Masaomi, I'm saying you can-"

"I'll chew you out for it, but I'm not going to beat you up!" I snapped.

"What if you can't reason with me? What if I'm inconsolable?" He challenged.

Just for that, I grabbed his jaw.

"Masaomi, stop!"

"All right, enough serious talk, let's go look for women!" I said.

"Masaomi!" He whined.

"You have the hots for that Anri girl, right?" I said.

"Masaomi!" He shrieked.

"I'm always right! Well, not always."

"I could never imagine hurting you..."

I flicked his forehead. "Look, enough about it! Mikado, you're missing the whole world if you get all gloomy!"

"All right, I get it, Kida."

I knew Mikado was still worried about me, but I assured him that I was fine.

"I don't think you believe me, Mikado." I said.

"Well, it's just that when you told me about earlier, I can't help but be worried." He huffed.

"Mikado, you worry too much." I said, "I will be justtt fine."

He flicked my forehead in return. "You say that and then you do stupid stuff. I know you, Kida-kun."

My gaze went back to the ground, and then to him. "Would you believe me if I said...that I have...a disorder?"

"Disorder? Like what?" Mikado asked.

"Like...another personality...sometimes there are gaps in my memory where I can't remember what I did." I said.

"Oh, that kind of disorder! That explains why you acted so differently! That stuff's more common than you think!"

"Thanks, man, you're the best." I said, patting him.

"Masaomi, you're being condescending." He said.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not.

"Are too. Should I tell everyone about the time you wet your pants in school?" Mikado challenged.

"Should I tell everyone about the time you had a wedgie in school."

"Um, that didn't happen."

"Yeah, it did."

"That was from a movie, Masaomi."

"Oh, yeah it was, now that I think about it. The kid in there did look like you." I teased.

Mikado couldn't even imagine his friend having had such a disorder. It didn't make him hate his friend, instead it made him worry all the more about his friend. Another personality would certainly explain how Kida changed in personality and didn't remember things, but...he was still so worried.

"Are you sure that's the truth?"

Kida looked back at him. "Um, maybe it's the truth. It's more like what I said before, memories from a past life."

"I'm not one to believe in reincarnation, but that's kinda...cool, actually." Mikado said, now even more confused.

This sounded more like Kida-kun did have some kind of personality disorder or something. Stuff like reincarnation couldn't just happen-or could it?

If things like the Black Rider were possible, then was this an entirely feasible phenomenon?

Deciding that he would have to do more research on the subject, Mikado filed that away in his head and spoke again, "Is that possible?"

"Is what possible?"

"Reincarnation." He asked excitedly.

Kida shrugged. "I don't know, and the kids at school don't need to know, otherwise I'll be labeled as a crazy person. It's beyond me. I don't think I'll ever quite understand that stuff."

"It's quite interesting, though, supernatural stuff! I'd be happy if that happened to me."

Kida looked at him in disbelief. "It's not really cool to think you're losing your mind, Mikado. It sucks."

He flicked my forehead again.

"Masaomi, you're not taking me seriously!" He whined.

"I am!" He teased.

Past life or not, Kida-kun was still Kida-kun.

He was still the same, even if he was still a bit different.

He still cared for him.

'I just don't want to mess up and ruin our friendship. I don't want to wind up like that person in the dream.' He thought.

"Let's go watch a movie!" Kida suggested, suddenly.

* * *

Kida's POV

When Mikado came out of the theater with tears dripping out of his eyes, I sighed.

"I didn't know...it was so sad! A Dog's Life was so sad!" He whined.

"I'm too old to cry." I lied.

I'd shed a few tears myself.

I was lying if I said I wouldn't have shed a few tears, after all.

"I'm sorry I doubted you," Mikado muttered, still sobbing.

"Here, take this tissue and wipe the crybaby out of you." I taunted.

"KIDA-KUN!" He howled, causing passersby to look at us funny.

"Once a crybaby, always a crybaby." I said placidly.

This is the way life was supposed to be.

But I knew hardships were coming ahead.

* * *

 **Omake: What it would have been like for Kida if the OC had woken up as a ten-year old Kida with no memories of his life before (unwritten thing I'm not going to continue)**

This was the end for me.

I was going to die, of cancer.

Just like this.

I could feel my vision fading as I slowly died, my family by my side, crying out my name as I died.

I knew I was going to die, and I was okay with that.

My eyes were slowly closing, and then I died.

Just like that, I was dead.

I was dead, right? Right?

Then, I dreamed I was being chased by something...something very big and very scary.

I was running, as fast as I could, running from the monster that was taking over my body.

It was a giant monster that was chasing me, threatening to ensnare me with its huge tentacles. I felt like I was being wrapped up, suffocating in its huge tentacles as they wrapped around me.

"Leave me alone!" I hissed, but it did not let go.

I could do nothing but watch as the monster lifted me up into the air, about to eat me, its jaws opening wide in time to show a pair of sharp teeth.

Then, suddenly, a miracle happened: _I awoke._

The fuck?

I was...dead, right?

And yet, I was...awake.

I realized several things then, as my body adjusted to being awake: first, I was very sweaty all over. It felt like I'd been working out for a long time to be this sweaty, second my vision was really blurry for some strange reason, third, I was obviously on a bed, and fourth, I didn't know where I was.

I saw nothing but a plain ceiling.

However, I was also shaking and I couldn't stop myself from doing so. I must have been afraid of the bad dream that I'd had.

A single hand went up to my face, where I felt some wetness under my eyes-an indication that I'd been crying in my sleep. Well, that was nothing new. I'd cried before because of the pain from my cancer-

"Are you all right?"

I nearly jumped, immediately burying myself back inside my covers, pulling them back over me, even though it seemed it take half my normal effort to do so.

"I know you're awake." The same voice said, "Are you all right?"

I wanted to say no, but I didn't know who the person was, so I didn't answer, cowering under the sheets, trembling and shaking, terrified of the dream I'd had where I'd died. It had to have been nothing but a mere dream, right?

I knew that it had been a dream.

If so, then what was this? The opening acts of hell?

Much to my surprise, my covers were gently pulled away from me, and then I was moved by someone, my body easily desisting, coming back to rest on a pillow. Leave me alone!

Then, a hand-a gentle touch, came to rest on my forehead, brushing away locks of hair to do so, caressing my forehead, almost tickling it.

I realized that my forehead felt like it was on fire then. But I liked the stranger's touch, oddly enough. I hoped the person (I was thinking it was a male as the voice sounded masculine, but I wasn't entirely sure) wasn't some sort of creep.

The hand suddenly left my forehead.

I opened my eyes the entire way, blinking back tears. My vision was still fuzzy like it had been earlier.

When I looked at my covers, my eyes widened. When were they so huge?

They seemed bigger than they had been before.

I turned my head, weakly. Even trying to do that seemed to take me a lot of effort.

"Okay, good, you are awake." The voice said.

"Who-" I muttered, but even speaking seemed to take a lot of effort.

"Shh, it's okay." The voice said.

"But-but..." I whimpered, wait, _whimpered_? I'm not some pathetic dog.

"I'm just glad you're all right." The soothing male voice said, "You were having a nightmare. I'm glad that you're awake now, though. You were worrying me."

The tone was almost...paternal? Reassuring? Either way, I liked the tone the person was giving me. But at the same time, I was weirded out.

I extended my hand out, and then I felt myself touching something fluffy, like fabric.

"Yes, I'm right here. Is your vision bad from your fever?"

"F-Fever?" I muttered weakly, trying to sit up, but I felt too dizzy to do so.

"I'm glad you're able to sit up."

I found myself looking at a fur jacket, and there was a teenager sitting in a chair, the one who was wearing said jacket. He was quite handsome, Asian, perhaps? His hair was black and his eyes were a brownish-red. I thought I knew him from somewhere, but I wasn't quite sure.

Still, why was someone my age so huge?

I nearly freaked out upon realizing there was a stranger in my room.

"W-Who are you?" I asked, my voice shaking. Why was my voice so high?

"You know who I am, don't you?" He said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"I-Izaya...?" I muttered. I didn't like my voice sounding so high.

"Yup, that's me. I stopped by to make sure you were doing well. You'll be fine, kiddo. I called your teacher to make sure you would have the day off today, and your homework has been brought to you by a classmate."

That was generous. But still, kiddo?

"I'm not a kid!" I snapped.

For some reason, I found myself tearing up, because my muscles hurt so much.

Fuck, it hurt.

"F-Fuck!" I snapped.

"No cursing, Kida-kun! I know it hurts, but just bear with me!" Izaya said.

Wait, did he just call me.. _.Kida_?

What the heck is he saying?

The second his hand met mine, I shot up in wide-eyed panic.

"Calm down, Kida-kun." He said reassuringly. "I knew you were going to be a little delirious, but you don't need to freak out like this."

That didn't sate me, if anything, it freaked me out more.

"W-What about the...the...c-cancer?" I stammered.

He looked at me. "What are you saying? Is this your fever talking?"

I was utterly confused.

"I should be dead," I moaned.

"Who put such words in your head? It's not true. You're supposed to be here. This is just a little fever that you can overcome."

I was getting more confused by the second. Part of me felt satisfied by his reassuring words, the other was utterly confused as to why there was an anime character standing near me, talking to me.

Izaya isn't exactly the kind of person I want to see when sick.

"Where are we?"

"I moved you to my house, my apartment."

But why had he called me that name?

That name...was not my name.

"How do I know you're not trying to..." At that second, I suddenly fell into a state of uncontrollable coughing, coughing violently.

"Masaomi-kun!" Izaya cried, coming over to me, "Are you all right?" He sounded genuinely concerned, which alarmed me further.

My eyes widened.

"That's...not my name," I gasped out.

"Look, Masaomi-kun, we really don't have time to discuss this right now." He said, "Your fever is still burning up. You should get some more rest." He assured.

"But...but..." I muttered, trying to sit up, only to gasp at how much my limbs were hurting. Even trying to stand up hurt.

I tried to take one ginger step out of bed and almost collapsed. My legs were shorter than I remembered. It felt like the world had become larger overnight.

" _Masaomi-kun!"_

Then the next thing I knew, the teen had effortlessly caught me, ( _a sixteen-year old girl,_ ) in his arms. "It's all right. Do you need water? I'll get it for you, just don't do that again. You scared me."

I stared up at him, utterly baffled, feeling terrified at how on earth someone my own age could catch me like this.

I literally didn't understand anything that was going on at that point. "What happened?"

"You wouldn't remember, but you passed out from a fever you caught at school, Masaomi-kun."

"What...?"

My voice sounded like a prepubescent child's. Impossible.

"How...old am I?" I stammered.

"You're ten, Masaomi."

"Ten?" I muttered.

"I'll bring you some food, so just relax and get some more sleep. You can fight it off. There's a pitcher of water there if you need a drink." Izaya said, handing me a tiny cup of water that I drank out of.

I felt more strength rising into my limbs, but I still felt exhausted.

He put me back into bed, despite my resistance.

I didn't like how my limbs just weren't responding like they should be.

So I was...sick?

Was this a dream?

Holy shit, that was Izaya Orihara!

Like an alarm going off, I sat up again as much as it hurt, and glanced at my hands. My hands were smaller than I remembered, like those of a child's, but with tanner skin and more muscle on them. Not the dainty, slender hands I remembered.

"W-What the hell?" I stammered.

I gasped upon realizing that my voice sounded like a boy's.

As I touched my throat, I realized something was there that hadn't been there before. The name for it escaped me.

I glanced down at my shirt. It was not mine (and it was so bloody small!) I couldn't help but place my tinier hands on my chest, which was devoid of any female organs.

"What the...hell?" I admitted.

I didn't like having such a high voice.

I noticed that my feet were tinier as well, and thinner.

Izaya came back in later with more food, before I sputtered out, "Can I use the bathroom?"

He nearly dropped the food but caught it, before looking at me in concern. "Are you sure?"

He caught me again, "Don't go out of bed on your own right now, kid. You need to be more careful. If you need to puke, use the toilet."

I realized then how awful my stomach felt as I let him guide me out the door, my hand in his, feeling utterly humiliated at such a notion.

The idea of me having to be guided by someone!

"Thank you...Izaya..." I muttered.

"Niisan-"

"Right..." I muttered, "I don't feel so good."

"You're a brave boy, you can handle it." He patted my head.

Boy? Why was he calling me that?

I was a sixteen-year old girl.

Those hopes of mine were completely shattered when I sat as usual and then-

"Masaomi-kun, why the hell are you sitting? You should be standing."

"Oh..." I muttered.

"You're not a girl, after all."

My mouth dropped open.

"What's with that face, Kida-kun? You really _are_ sick, aren't you? Poor kid." He muttered, "I'll wait outside the door for you."

He was already outside.

As I turned back to continue my business, my eyes widened.

I stared in disbelief, my eyes wide.

I had a...a...peni-

But how?

I was definitely shorter, too, probably by a good six inches.

I glanced at the mirror and my eyes widened, because instead of the sixteen-year old I should be seeing staring back at me, a tiny blond-haired boy stared back. The face was that of Kida Masaomi, same golden eyes, same blond hair.

My hair was blond now.

As I took that in, I had a most interesting reaction. I started to retch, instantly aiming for the porcelain throne. Nice first day.

"Masaomi-kun, are you-" He said.

"Uh-huh, I'm sorry." I muttered, not exactly in a talking mood.

For some reason, I was giving in to childish instincts, even though I didn't want to.

I know I'd died of cancer, but I couldn't seem to think of how I'd gotten here. Every time I thought about it, my head started hurting even more.

"Are you done now?"

"I'm fine..." I whined, wiping my face off with a tissue.

"You're not fine, you're a child, you need your rest." He said.

I held back the tears, but they poured down my face anyway.

Fuck these child-like emotions.

"Why are you crying?" He said in confusion.

"I'm...I'm sorry...I'm being so useless, I should be of more use to you. I'm sorry I'm so weak right now! I just want to help you..."

Emotions that were not mine swept through me.

"It's all right, Masaomi-kun. I know how you feel because of your parents abandoning you. But now that I'm looking after you, I swear nothing like that will ever happen to you again."

What?

Masaomi was literally being looked after by Izaya?

I couldn't help but sink into this as I was put back into bed.

"I'll let you have some food." He said, handing me a piece of toast and some soup. "Be careful with how much you eat."

I nodded and took small bites and sips.

My metabolism probably wasn't as demanding as it used to be.

I let out a loud cough, though.

"I'm bringing Shinra over here so he can examine you."

Oh, goody.

I just nodded weakly before falling into a dreamless sleep.

Only to be woken by the loudmouth, Shinra.

"Masaomi, show me your vital signs."

"Not fun," I whined as I had my tonsils looked at.

"He has a sore throat, a sinus infection, and definitely some kind of stomach bug. It should pass in a couple of days."

"So that's what caused his hallucinations about being dead?" Izaya asked.

I bristled. "It wasn't-" I began, but shook my head.

Nobody would believe me if I were to talk about it.

So now I was a ten-year old again, now I was a male, now I was in anime land and now I was Kida Masaomi. Shit.


	12. Chapter 12 Mikado

**A/N: Yeah, I know this story has been idle for a month, but it's being continued, slowly but surely. The younger fic just has more ideas going for it, lol. Expect an update to Code Geese as well as one to Compromised Reality and The Improbable Truth. Definitely continuing, okay? Just because I take a month doesn't mean I'm discontinuing it. If I definitely go a whole year or no without any updates, you can bet it's abandoned. But a couple months means ideas are just compromised, that's all.**

 **Chapter 12 Saki's perspective and Dollars rise**

* * *

Saki was not stupid.

She was a very, very smart girl.

Izaya-sama told her as much, when he had saved her from being abused by her parents after years of them hurting her in many ways.

Then she'd met him.

Masaomi Kida, a young waif, taken in after his parents abandoned him on the street.

She'd met him when he was only around eleven and she was around twelve herself. She'd instantly taken a liking to him and thought of him as her younger brother of sorts. But as he got older, she found herself falling for him. Now that he was fifteen and she sixteen, she wondered if perhaps they could pursue a relationship now.

She saw him as her younger brother, true, but she lately thought of him in more intimate ways...being around him made her heart pound very fast, listening to his voice made her long to just be with him forever and hear nothing in the world other than his voice, to feel her hand touching his, to feel his breathing on hers, to listen to his heartbeat, just knowing that there was such a warm, kind caring person around who honestly cared for her so much made her feel so good.

Masaomi didn't realize it himself, but he was a sun for her. His rays never failed to brighten up her day, no matter how depressed she was feeling about being stuck in the hospital, being looked at by sympathetic doctors and nurses, who continually lied to her, telling her she'd get out of the hospital soon enough and helped her with physical therapy.

She hated the looks of pity they gave her. How they whispered behind her back that her life was ruined.

No, her life wasn't ruined just because she was hospitalized and couldn't walk. Life went on, whether you were able to walk or not. If she learned to walk again, that was good. If she learned to walk with a cane or a wheelchair, that was all right, too. She knew Masaomi would always be there for her, and he wouldn't let something like a disability get in the way of him loving her.

She'd brought it up to him before and he'd just paused, staring at her before cheerfully declaring that he would still support her no matter what. She'd smiled a lot that day and her nurse had teased her about her "crush" causing Saki to go quite red and protest.

But she didn't mind. Her days without him around were dark and gloomy and gray. It sucked to be away from the world while she could see the people outside laughing, talking and above all, walking, being mobile, not having to be transported from place to place, being able to walk and run and do things she once could do. She was envious in a way, that was why she would spend a lot of her time either watching television, reading or else looking out the window and "counting humans", like Izaya-sama did.

He came by and cheered her up, too, but Masaomi was special. He alone could cheer her up in that way that no one else ever could. Those eyes were even the color of the sun itself, so it was hard for her to not see him as the sun personified? A son of the sun god, Apollo, dropped down to Earth to meet her and take her away to the fields of Asphodel, where she would be happy.

Together, they could do everything.

Nothing could hold them back.

But then, two things happened to change their relationship forever.

The first was...Masaomi's sudden change in behavior. It happened all of a sudden.

Without warning, Masaomi was suddenly distant and more emotional around her, breaking down into tears around her, complaining of nightmares, and being scared of or wary around Izaya, whom he'd previously been close with, and then complaining of headaches.

It worried her when he'd started distancing himself from her, and seemed to grow more quiet during her time with him.

Why couldn't he tell her?

On top of that, why had he been so...scared of the hospital? Before, he'd been able to visit her without being scared, yet now he couldn't be happier to leave the hospital. She wondered what had happened to him. Did he see some scary movie about hospitals?

All the people here were very nice and kind, so she failed to see how that could come about, and Masaomi was a logical person. He was not one to believe in absurd things or illogical ideas, yet here he was, telling her stuff like "I believe in reincarnation" or telling her things about children who'd died of cancer (and her wondering where or when he'd met such a child).

Whatever. As long as he was hers, nothing mattered.

But then the accident happened and Masaomi was gone. He refused to visit her and when he did, he was depressed and spent a lot of the time crying, telling her how sorry he was. He cried silently, and seemed to be fully blaming himself for what happened. Even though she tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault, he blamed himself and seeing that tore her apart inside.

She couldn't bear to see him sacrifice himself for a worthless girl like her.

That was why she'd distanced herself from him, in the hopes that some time apart would help them adjust. But he'd refused, and sought more physical contact from her. And oddly enough, he would ask her about female problems, which totally puzzled her.

He hardly, if ever asked about those things.

Imagine her surprise when she had one day run out of feminine materials.

She had mentioned it to Kida off-handedly, and noticed his eyes widen before he'd offered to go get her some. She'd declined, stating that she would ask the nurse for some.

The next morning, she'd awakened to find several containers of them sitting on the table, having been bought by a certain someone.

How had he known about that or about the specifics of it? He was a guy.

She'd asked him off-handedly about it and he'd just shrugged as his answer.

Perhaps one of his classmates had asked him.

* * *

"Masaomi," She said to the fifteen-year old who looked away from the window.

"Huh?"

"Quit spacing out on me," She said with a chuckle, "I wanted to let you know that Izaya-sama has been worried about you and your...personality changes. I don't mind. I'm weird like you, no matter what." She said.

Kida blinked and nodded, before hugging her tightly.

"Thank you..." He whispered.

She'd wondered what had made him so much more emotional than usual.

Did guys get a man period? Aside from transgender men, she doubted it.

She couldn't ask Izaya-sama, she'd get a scolding and then his face would be beet red.

She debated teasing him anyway, but he was a total prude and it wasn't worth it.

"Are you truly all right?" She asked.

"I'm fine," He said softly. "Just..concerned about some things going on."

"Like what?" She asked.

"Like...my memories. My memories are getting weird." He said, sitting down beside her and running a hand through his blond hair.

"How so?"

"Well, they become more vivid and weird. I dreamed about me dying. I don't want to die."

Instantly, she hugged him.

"No matter what happens, I'm here for you, Masaomi."

"Thank you." He whispered and he was sounding like his old self again.

She was glad, she'd been so worried.

* * *

Saki was a confusing person, but her love was reassuring.

Still, I doubted even she could understand what I'd gone through.

Dying and being reborn was not something a sane person remembers.

All that mattered was that I lived.

I didn't want to die here.

I'd been given a fighting chance.

I'm a fighter first and foremost.

No matter what happens, I will keep on fighting.


	13. Chapter 13 Dysphoria

A/N: WHOA, it's been a while since I last updated this one. Now here we go with the adventures of older Kida. It feels refreshing to go back to this one. I was getting kinda tired of fluff. I wanna try for more angst. Kida is just so perfect for angst, same with Izaya.

Chapter 13 Broken Inside (memories of a past life just don't go away, do they?)

* * *

No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to do everything right like I want to.

I know my destiny here is different and is changing, but I genuinely wonder if I'm meant to be here, how much I'm supposed to take of this...losing my memories of my past life, thing. Will I genuinely believe I've always been Kida? I didn't want to lose my memories.

Yet, as the days passed, my memories have become more and more vague as time goes on, to the point where they feel like vivid dreams more than actual memories. Is this what she was talking about? The more I become acclimated to this world, the more I lose myself?

It was a frightening thing to accept. Yet, yet, I'd already come to accept my existence here as Kida. The original Kida was still here, still a part of me, yet I could feel us becoming one more and more. I knew he was concerned about me, but what could he do? He didn't quite understand my plight.

I did my best to hide these feelings from Mikado, but he noticed my changing behavior over the weeks we spent at Raira together. I kept worrying about whether or not I could change history, prevent Mikado from meeting Aoba, prevent him from going down the wrong path, prevent myself from being shot in the leg.

Was that even possible?

All I knew was that I had lots of time now to think about these things and make a decision, but I didn't have forever. I didn't. As much of a gift as this new life was, it came with its own problems. The gender dysphoria was occasional, and when it was there, it hit me hard and it hurt.

One such occasion was when Saki was talking to me about how she wanted to wear a beautiful blouse when she got out of the hospital.

"Masaomi, you should get me a nice blouse and skirt. Wouldn't I look good in this one?" She pointed to an outfit she found on a website.

It was a nice, pink blouse with a blue skirt to match. I found it rather pretty and thought it would suit her well, and nodded.

"Yeah, it would definitely suit you." I said.

But then, I suddenly felt a longing inside me. A longing to wear that outfit.

I suddenly felt a tinge of envy go through me, a sudden sense of loss, upon seeing that cute outfit. That kind of outfit would've been something I would've loved to wear with a boyfriend. But I hadn't been able to get a boyfriend, or ever wear an outfit like that. I'd died without being able to do that.

My mouth moved, but no words came out, as I was still reliving my old memories, stuck in a fantasy, before I quickly took hold of myself. "I-I think you'd look great in that, Saki! It's just really striking! Pink really isn't my color, you know."

"Of course not. You're not really a feminine kind of guy. And if you were, I wouldn't mind. I love you no matter what." She said with a giggle.

Those words warmed my heart and suddenly made the dysphoria lighten a little bit.

"So you won't mind if I wear a pink shirt to match?" I said jokingly.

She laughed. "Oh, Masaomi, quit playing with me!" She said.

I was serious. I wanted to wear that outfit so much.

Yet I knew this country was so strict about gender roles...that I couldn't possibly return to being so innocent. The things I yearned for as a girl, I now saw as long forbidden relics. It made my heart hurt, knowing this.

I glanced out the window, trying hard to hide my inner pain, but I think she noticed I was acting off.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nothing, just remembering the past. How my parents left me here." I said, softly.

The memories Kida had of that were horrible.

' _Your parents were nice...I wish I had those.._.' Kida whispered in my head.

I shook my head, biting my lip. "So, you uh, wanna play a game or something?"

"Sure!" She said, "Izaya-san and I always play go together!" She said cheerfully.

So we played a game of go and she beat me.

I'd had no former experience with this game, so I lost.

"I cannot believe I lost!" I moaned.

She laughed. "You're kidding. I think you let me win."

"Yes, I did." I said, hanging my head low.

* * *

As I prepared to leave the hospital for the day, I couldn't help but notice a group of girls all talking excitedly as I walked out into the lobby.

"You see, I'm so excited for the upcoming date with him! I made sure to get a proper-fitting bra and all! Some lipstick, too! In this magazine, it's the perfect shade for my lips!"

The other girls talked excitedly.

"You know, I think boys just sometimes don't notice when we're having problems with them. My boyfriend said my cramps were just me being a pain! Can't men just try and understand what we go through for once?"

"That'll never happen, sweetheart. You know and I know that men can be totally clueless about girls. Especially when they get mad about...female issues."

The girls all laughed and talked, unaware of my presence as I stood there, until one noticed me staring and I looked away, awkwardly.

"Say, I've seen that kid come in a lot. Does he have someone he sees here?" One of them asked.

I started moving for the door, not willing to listen any further. It was just more of a reminder of a world I'd been forced away from, a society I was no longer a part of. I could not relate anymore to their world.

"Maybe he visits some girl here. That's dedication right there. I just wish my boyfriend were that nice." The other girl sighed.

"Honey, we've told you before to dump him and you don't listen. He sometimes smacks you, doesn't he?" The third said, looking concerned.

My hand was now on the door handle as I looked away, feeling the agony throb more in my chest.

"Well, I'm sure that guy will grow up to be a jerk to women. They all act that way. Men do, I mean. They can talk all they like about understanding us, but at the end of the day, they don't know what it's like to deal with cramps or periods, you know? There's only so much they can comprehend of that stuff." The first girl said, and the other two nodded.

I felt upset at hearing those comments, but overall, I just wanted to leave. I pushed open the door and walked out, pretending I hadn't heard those remarks, before turning my gaze up to the horizon, noticing how the sun was slowly setting.

It was a nice sight, however it didn't completely assuage the bittersweet feeling I felt inside. Once upon a time, I had been a girl like them, carelessly laughing and assuming things about boys. I had belonged to a group like them, talking, applying makeup, laughing about boys and exchanging jokes about them.

I'd listened excitedly to the others talk about having a boyfriend and had dreamed of having one, but those dreams never came to be. I'd been excited to get my first bra and to have my first period.

I remembered those feelings, even if I didn't recall the specific details of those dates or what age I was. I just walked away from the hospital, feeling like a part of me had died inside. Like it or not, I had changed. I wasn't a girl anymore in this society. Even if in mind, I would never be seen as a girl or even be expected to understand.

I did understand, I did! I screamed that in my mind, but they would never know. They would never know I had once understood what it was like to be in their shoes. The bittersweet feeling inside me just lingered as I walked home to my apartment, fighting back the urge to cry. I couldn't look vulnerable. While girls can cry, boys can't.

Right? Right?

I was just in an emotional mess, so I hurried inside and flopped onto my bed, too upset to look at my homework or even surf the Internet. I just buried my head in my pillow and let it all out.

All my frustrations about my dysphoria were let out in that single crying session. The agony I felt upon seeing I had no breasts every day, the sense of longing I felt upon seeing bras in the store, the sense of something missing when I didn't experience pain once a month or having to go get supplies. The alien feeling I got upon seeing lipstick in the store or makeup.

The pure envy I felt for Saki-who was lucky enough to have these things, they hadn't been taken from her. While I didn't entirely resent being the opposite sex, it didn't mean I had to like it one hundred percent. I just missed the feeling of being a girl. I missed it so much.

Sometimes, the feelings just came back in full force, like they did today.

'Hey, it's all right. I understand you're upset, but relax.' Kida said in my head.

That did nothing to alleviate my feelings, however.

* * *

I wiped my tears away from my face and sat up, a little embarrassed at having done that. However, I didn't want to just bury my feelings. That was never good for anyone. So, instead, I hesitated...before grabbing my phone and texting Mikado. I needed a friend over. And he was a good listener.

He texted me back, asking what was up.

'Hey, I need a friend right now. I'm feeling a little bit down.'

'What's wrong?' Mikado texted back.

I could just picture the look of concern on his face. He probably wasn't used to smiling, grinning Kida having any problems whatsoever.

'I just got a little lonely, that's all. I wish I knew what it was like to have good parents..' I confessed. That was part of the reason I was upset. But Mikado would never hope to understand the other part.

That's when it hit me. I knew one person I could talk to about this. Someone who wouldn't laugh.

 _Izaya_. Izaya believed in the absurd.

This Izaya was different. But could I trust him with such information?

Only time would tell. Either way, I made a mental note to call him tomorrow and ask to meet him in his office. I only hoped he wouldn't laugh at me or call me crazy. He is a bit of a skeptic on these matters.

'Masaomi?' Mikado texted.

I jumped. 'Oh, sorry, just thinking about something.'

'Say, do you want to hang out tomorrow?' Mikado texted.

I texted back in agreement, before wishing him a good night and proceeding to surf the internet on my phone for the next half-hour, before I settled into bed rather early. I was too tired from my crying spree that I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Before I knew it, I was asleep.

* * *

When I awakened the next morning, I immediately knew something was wrong. I glanced down...and flushed beet red. Oh no, _not again._ I hated when this happened.

"Oh, come on! Can't I have any relief from this?" I yelped. Goddammit, I hated these...these stupid teenage boy reactions! Go away, go away!

I crossed my legs in frustration, as my face just reddened even more.

I got up and went to the bathroom. Only later did it go away, much to my relief. How annoying.

It was a weekend, so I had time to work on homework and on talking to Izaya.

Awkwardly, I showered, still quite angry about that event before getting changed and eating some ramen for breakfast. I don't have the best diet possible, but I am a teenager.

"It's part of being a guy, Kida." I told myself, though I was still not used to these things.

So much for angsting about being a guy when stuff like this happened.

And also, the constant thinking about girls and all the dirty thoughts..oh god, was it annoying.

The hormones...the hormones are just uncontrollable.

Frowning, I sat on my bed, listening to some music from my ipod when the phone rang. It was Izaya.

Just the person I wanted to talk to.

"Masaomi-kun, I'd like to check in with you. Are you awake?"

"Yes, I'm awake. I'd like to meet with you, as well. There's something I have to tell you."

"Oh?" He sounded curious.

"Something really important. You'll see when I get there." I said, hanging up soon and then getting ready to head out, again.

Now or never.


	14. Chapter 14 Comfort

_**A/N: Last we checked, our main character experienced crippling dysphoria and is going to reveal everything to Izaya, or so we think. I needed to have something traumatizing happen, right? This chapter will be short as I'm going to bed soon as I'm tired.**_

 _ **RIP CHESTER BENNINGTON, ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS, DIED NINE DAYS AGO FROM SUICIDE.**_

 _ **RIP ALSO TO THE GIRL WHO INSPIRED THIS FANFICTION. SHE DIED TWO MONTHS AGO FROM HER CANCER SHE WAS FIGHTING OFF. I DEDICATE THIS CHAPTER TO HER MEMORY.**_

 _ **""They're expected to forget everything they knew about being anything other than what they're supposed to be."**_

― _**Anna-Marie McLemore, When the Moon Was Ours**_

 _ **Chapter 14 comfort and reassurance**_

* * *

Izaya Orihara sighed as he reclined back in his chair, waiting for Masaomi-kun to come to him. Honestly, the boy had been acting better lately, his so-called "split personality" hadn't been acting up as much. Izaya was relieved to see Kida-kun was freed from that nonsense he'd constantly been talking about.

It'd hurt him a lot to see the boy in such pain. Masaomi was someone very dear to Izaya, so to see him suffering like that made Izaya want to help the boy in any way he could. He didn't like seeing the teen cry like he had on that day so many years ago when he'd been a young child, sobbing and whining for his parents to come back while he clung to Izaya for reassurance and guidance.

At that time, he'd been an ignorant child who had possessed no knowledge of how to raise a child and care for one. Thus, he'd been startled when Masaomi-kun had initially been hostile towards him and scared of him. His mother managed to soothe Masaomi with her presence and eventually, he'd warmed up to them and even to Celty and Shinra, who were like his second guardians.

Izaya was very fond of the kid, he was a useful pawn, true, but he was glad Masaomi was all right.

There was suddenly a knock at the door and Izaya stood up and walked over to it, calling out casually, "Yes?"

The door opened and there was Masaomi-kun, looking oddly shaken, scared and nervous. That did not suit the calm teenager he knew. "Hello, Izaya-san." He said, his breath coming in gasps.

He looked like he did the day that Saki had been injured, blaming himself over her injuries.

What had happened to make him so scared?

"Masaomi, what's the occasion? Come back for a little teasing?" Izaya taunted the blond, but the blond didn't really react, before collapsing into a chair, looking angry like he usually did. Pouting was one of the blond's trademarks, and it was hard to believe he still acted like this and he was a teenager.

"No..." He mumbled, putting his hands on over his face. "I just had one of those...breakdowns. It was annoying."

"What do you mean?" Izaya asked in confusion.

"I'm not sure how to describe it. I just sometimes dislike being myself." He said softly, looking up at the ceiling, looking very frustrated. Izaya couldn't blame him, honestly.

"Are you sure you're not trans?" He asked flatly.

The boy winced. "No..." He mumbled, "Just...that other personality's bothering me again. I wish it would stop and leave me alone. I'm me, right?"

"Yes, you are." Izaya said with a sigh. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Oh." The boy blinked before he suddenly thrust something into Izaya's hands, "You left one of your jackets at my apartment. I found it and wanted to return it to you."

Izaya stared in bewilderment. "I'd forgotten I had this one. Thank you, Masaomi." He said, "But that's not the only reason you came here, is it?"

"No, to be honest, I'm a little afraid of myself. But I'm trying to cope. I just don't feel so good today." He moaned, sinking a little more into the chair.

Izaya ruffled his hair, causing the blond to groan.

"Quit babying me, Izaya!" He growled.

He was so cute when he tried to hide his embarrassment.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist teasing my surrogate little brother."

"We're not blood related." He said, turning away, a bit irritated by the sudden attention, it seemed, but not entirely displeased.

"Nonetheless, you're like my little brother, so of course I get worried." He said.

"I see. I just had bad dreams, and I was wondering how I cope with these mood swings." He said with a sigh.

"That's part of being a teenager. Girls go through more than boys do."

Kida-kun winced a little. "I don't know. I'm just so confused right now. I feel like I know who I am, then I don't."

"That's normal for people your own age." He said.

The boy's fists tightened. "Normal people don't think of themselves as being dead or have bizarre nightmares that haunt them!" He cried. "I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask for?"

"Masaomi...these dreams will go away, with time. Haven't you been feeling better?"

The boy slouched in his seat, looking away, his eyes on the ceiling. "Yes. But it flared back up last night. I felt a sense of not belonging here, like dysphoria. Like I should be somewhere else."

"Somewhere else? Where?" Izaya asked curiously.

"I don't know. I'm just sick of this." He folded his arms and sat there.

"Why don't you focus more on your homework and forget about this stuff?" Izaya asked.

The boy flinched. "I would if I could! But I keep forgetting to not let it bother me! How do you explain me suddenly writing in full English on my homework when I don't know the damned language?" He yelped, holding out his paper.

Izaya blinked in bewilderment. "...How did you do that?"

"I don't know. It was sort of like I just...knew English, somehow. I can't explain it." He said, shaking his head. "And now I'm getting feelings that aren't mine. It's irritating. Mikado likes the extraordinary, why doesn't this stuff happen to him?"

Izaya did something he usually never did-he pulled Masaomi's hoodie up over his face.

"What the hell are you doing? Stop!" He cried.

"Just relax." Izaya said cheerfully, as the kid managed to pull his hoodie back down, golden eyes blazing with anger.

"What the hell, Izaya? Quit doing that to me." He grumbled.

"You worry too much. Quit worrying about this and go to your friends for support. Perhaps Saki-chan can help you. I know, why not go to Dotachin?"

"I don't know him that well." Kida muttered, looking away and swinging his legs back and forth. "It'd be weird to divulge my emotions to him."

"How about Mikado-kun or Anri-chan?"

He flushed. "...Mikado thinks I'm weird enough already. Why should I bother him?"

"Because, if you don't, Masaomi, you'll never be able to move on past this. So what if you're a little different? You're you, after all." Izaya said, watching the boy's eyes light up.

"Thanks, that helps a little bit." Masaomi muttered, before he lay on the couch and his eyes suddenly closed. "I'm gonna nap, I'm tired."

"Okay." Izaya said, watching the boy sleep for around half an hour before he awoke, bleary-eyed, and glanced at Izaya before yawning.

"Oh, I fell asleep, huh?" He muttered. "Did I have any nightmares?"

"You were talking in your sleep." Izaya said,"But nothing unusual."

His eyes rested on the blond's face. There was still something off about him. But even so, he was the way he was.

* * *

Now it's reached the point where I identify more as Masaomi than Marisa. I guess we really are starting to become one. I just wish I didn't struggle with these annoying feelings. It really pisses me off.

Damn it. Now I feel like Shizuo, capable of throwing something if mad.

I've spent a lot of time staring at my reflection, marveling on how incredible this all is. I died and came back to life. So what? I must have been given this role for a reason.

I need to stop dwelling on what couldn't be changed.

I was Masaomi now. I needed to accept that, and I was. Just not fully.

I blinked and turned away from Izaya, stretching. "Do you have anything to eat?"

He looked at me in disbelief. "Surely you can buy your own food instead of being a freeloader, Kida."

"Just for tonight!" I whined. "I'm tired!"

"Fine. How does ramen sound?" He asked.

I didn't care, anything would do.

"Let me know the next time you're upset like this, okay, Kida?" He said.

I nodded.


	15. Chapter 15 Destined

**A/N: In which canon plot forces itself onto Kida and circumstances become incredibly awkward. Horada will be here causing chaos in future chapters, but for now, expect divergence from canon with Kida and Saki staying in Ikebukuro, a different Izaya, and some kick-ass Kida moments, however, moments from his past life are manifesting themselves in rather unpleasant ways.**

 **Sorry it's been so inactive, I've had more ideas for little Kida than this one, but reading some other fics made me inspired to continue this one! Per Ironiam Fatum is continuing as well!**

 **Chapter 15 Changing Destiny**

* * *

The buzzing of the alarm clock was the first thing that woke me up as I lay there. Groaning, I rubbed my eyes before nearly aiming a punch at the damned thing, I'd been having a great dream about some cute girl and it was ruined by this stupid alarm clock! Urghhh, how frustrating!

Frowning, I gasped as I realized it was a school day. Crap, I was going to be late! Masaomi Kida cannot be late! I grabbed a couple things to eat after showering and getting dressed and then, bam, I was off on my way to school, greeting Mikado.

"You're up early." He muttered in confusion. "You're normally late."

There was, however, someone new who joined us. Anri Sonohara, the girl from our class, had taken to walking closer to Mikado, while Mikado flushed and said nothing.

This lack of chemistry between these two was frustrating. I had to speak up, had to say something, to get the sparks to fly between these two.

"Mikado, from now on you will tell this cute girl what you like about her!" I chirped.

"W-What, Masaomi? What are you saying?" He exclaimed, his face bright red. God, do I love teasing him.

"...Is that true, Ryuugamine-kun?" Anri spoke up, staring at us, her face bright red.

"Yep!" I chirped, wrapping an arm around him and pushing him toward her. "Come on, you two lovebirds, go ahead and confess! I'll be right here waiting!"

"W-What? What are you saying, Masaomi? You're not still...out of it, are you?" Mikado asked, touching my forehead.

I flushed a little before laughing it off. "I'm just fine, I guarantee it."

Mikado was still worried about me, I could tell that much.

I just grinned at him as I went ahead of them, whistling happily to myself.

Class was so boring, I still tried my best to pay attention, even though I was bored stiff.

I amused myself by sending notes to girls, who giggled before sending notes to their friends, before being accosted by the teacher, who made me apologize to them.

I sighed in disbelief, wondering _why_ I'd been forced to clean up the classroom.

* * *

"It's a punishment for you doing that stupid stuff, Kida." Mikado said cheerfully, showing off his sadistic side.

I shivered a little. "Mikado, that's a bit much. Can't you help me?"

Mikado sighed before joining me. "All right, mister lazybones, I'll help you."

I didn't care, I liked having him help me.

However, it was then and there that I found out that Anri was being harassed by a teacher.

What a creep.

"You know, Sonohara...I can help you!" He said, placing his hands on her shoulders.

What a fucking creep.

"Hey, Anri, want me to walk you home?" I said cheerfully, causing him to gasp and move away from her.

"K-Kida! Don't get the wrong idea!" He yelped.

"Oh, I have the right idea all right, you're a creep who's attempting to hit on an underage girl. Unless you want me to tell the principal about it, why don't you leave her alone?" I said cheerfully.

In my past life, I'd been abused by a guy, so I didn't exactly take well to people being creeps, especially to girls. But that's a story Anri wouldn't believe.

"Are you all right?" I asked her.

She nodded, watching intently as the teacher stalked away, muttering under his breath.

"What happened, Masaomi?" Mikado asked.

"Nothing except the teacher attempting to hit on Anri." I said darkly.

Mikado cursed. "What the hell, that's really gross. Should I expose him on the dollars?"

I smirked. "Go ahead and do that, get him fired."

This should be fun. Let the pedo teacher try and see how long he can hold a job.

"Um...I'm fine." Anri said, looking at both of us, "Really. I can handle myself."

"Okay, then, take care and be careful about him." I said sharply.

She nodded before walking away.

I turned to Mikado. "We need to keep an eye on him. He could become angry really fast."

Mikado nodded. "Are you sure you're doing fine, Masaomi? No more weird dreams or anything?"

"No more weird dreams." I said, cheerfully.

He smiled, but still I get the feeling he was suspicious of me and didn't think I was telling the truth, as he still kept on taking odd glances at me and found an excuse to walk me home.

"Mikado...so, uh...what would you say if I told you that..." I muttered, still unable to talk about the strange circumstances of the reincarnation thing.

"What would I say if you told me what?" He said, hesitantly.

"I was...I was a weird kid in a past life!" I said cheerfully.

"Hm...you sure you're not hiding something?" He said, coming closer to me.

I shuddered a little at Mikado's perceptiveness and shook my head, "I'm fine. I swear. I was just a regular kid and I died of cancer, haha. That's what I dreamed of, anyway."

"What?" Mikado's mouth fell open. "Seriously?"

"Yep." I said, "Strange dreams, huh?"

"That's an awful way to go. I believe you, Kida." Mikado said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I stared at him, before smiling. "I'm glad you believe me."

I was very relieved to hear that he believed me.

"Well, Masaomi, let's go out to eat somewhere and figure some things out later. I want to work on that homework assignment." He says.

I groaned, "I know that you want me to not put it off anymore."

"I know you too well, Masaomi, and you're lazy. So we've gotta work on homework." He said intently.

I swallowed. No backing out of it now, I guess.


End file.
